Editors Note: The following letter was hard to decipher since it was drenched when it arrived on my front porch, which leads me to believe Belacqua is still hiding out in the wetlands. Belacqua is able to escape capture because during his days in the ashram he mastered the advanced yogic position, “Toxic Sludge”. With this talent he could stay hidden in the New Jersey wetlands indefinitely.
Dear George,
It’s time to adjust our tactics here. I’m afraid your color-coded warnings are starting to lose their effectiveness. The public is beginning to harbor the unpatriotic thought that you are manipulating them. Part of the problem is Tom Ridge. The guy comes across like an oversized Teddy Bear. How can anybody be frightened by someone who looks like he wants to give them a huggy-poo.
The truth to be told, I don’t think anyone could deliver an effective warning given the current level of public skepticism. But, as the sage once said, government is theater. So what we’ve got to do is orchestrate an incident that will scare the hell out of America.
For the staging of this incident we are going to avoid the obvious sites. Forget Citicorp, the Stock Exchange, Prudential, the IMF and all the other obvious and locked-down sites. No, we want to strike at the very heart of America.
Several miles outside of Anamosa, Iowa, there sits a Wal-Mart.
Here’s what you’re going to do. On a sunny October Saturday, when the sky is a deep blue and the first chill of winter is in the air, you are going to descend on this Wal-Mart. And I mean descend! The entourage will include police cars, fire trucks, ambulances, National Guard units, the Airborne, the Marines, the FBI, Armored Personnel Carriers, Abrahams Tanks, and, the most important unit, an embedded camera crew from Fox News.
Clear the store. Then commence the search.
Now, here’s where you really have to choreograph the event. Have one of your explosive ordinance people place a smallish stick of dynamite in the ladies room with a timing devise to detonate it. The key, here, is to minimize damage to corporate property.
A DOD public affairs officer will be accompanying the Fox camera crew. The trick is to have the camera crew next to the restroom when the charge goes off so the camera can catch the full effect of the blast. (Make sure the charge is small enough that it doesn’t blow out the wall of the restroom. We don’t want to lose the camera crew they’re expensive to replace—the cameras, not the crew.)
There’s symbolism at work, here. You’ve trashed the restroom to drive home the point that the shit’s been scared out of America and she has no place to go.
Now is when you scream “Terrorism!”
Somewhere in the Anamosa area there must be one person whose skin is “off-hue” as they say. Bust him! If his name is Juan, book him as Imam. Declare him an enemy combatant and lose him!
George, this strikes at America where it hurts the most—the shopping cart.
Now, this might put a damper on consumer spending. Here’s where your marketing skills come into play. Turn every Wal-Mart into an armed camp. Barbed wire, check points, bag searches, police in their Robo-Cop gear, the works. Security measures are the most efficient way to prepare the public for a police state.
Next, address a joint session of Congress. These always play well in Peoria, which is really going to be shaking in its boots. Remind America that the terrorists hate us because of our consumption. Therefore, it is the duty of every red-blooded American to shop, shop, shop. We will combat terrorism only if we become a nation of Plastic patriots. Consumer debt is the road to salvation.
George, if you can pull this off in late October your thousand-year reign is guaranteed.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
8:30:16 AM 
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