Editor’s Note: There was a message from Belacqua on my machine last night. In a raspy whisper he gave me instructions for collecting his letter. His directions took me to a run-down diner sitting on spit of sand jutting out into the Jersey wetlands. It was easy to find, the only building at the end of a deserted road, its lights a dim glow through grease smeared windows. There were a few customers in the place, most of whom looking like they’d taken a wrong turn somewhere along life’s road. In a restroom reeking of stale urine I found his letter, sealed in a plastic baggie, floating in the tank of the diner's only commode.
Dear George,
I’ve been out of the loop since they pulled my security clearance some years ago in that nasty dispute with the FBI over a 5 ½ inch floppy disc. I swear to God I thought the thing was blank when I took it home, and I have no idea how all that classified material ended up on it. But that’s all water under the bridge.
The point is that being out of the loop I’m not sure what your administration’s thinking is about Bin Laden. I don’t hear his name mentioned much, which could be a good sign. My big fear is that you guys are serious about catching him. That would be a grave tactical error.
You see, George, if you capture Osama your terrorist card is dog shit. And you need that card if you want to continue our historic transformation from a republic to an empire.
Bin Laden is an asset as long as he’s running free among the caves of Afghanistan. Now I see why you outed the al Qaeda operative the Pakistanis managed to turn. Had this mole resulted in the capture of Bin Laden, it would have been disastrous for your reelection bid. That’s because with Osama still free there’s no fear of an election being held. All you need is a little cooked intelligence and you’re good for another four.
So tonight, before you go to bed, drop to your knees and pray to the Almighty for Osama’s continued health and success. He’s the best friend you’ve ever had.
In closing, I have one small request. Could you talk to Ashcroft about getting me out of this fucking swamp? Have him cite national security or put me in a witness protection program. This muck is playing havoc with my corns.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
10:34:09 AM 
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