Editor’s Note: It appears Belacqua’s made it as far as Pennsylvania. He wrote this letter on foolscap, neatly folded and secured with a thorn from the Horned Hunterdon Thorn tree (Juniatatus phalicacus), a rare species found only in a valley in the foothills of the Pocono’s.
Dear George,
It’s time to wrap up Iraq. That sand box has been too much of a drag on your numbers for too long. We’ve got to stop futzing and get serious. The solution is the good old fashion carrot and stick.
The carrot is simplicity itself. Think about it, George. What is the most expeditious way to bring democracy to Iraq? It’s a no-brainer. Make Iraq the 51st state. It’s already a defacto territory with its own territorial government. So, what’s the requirement for statehood? A constitution modeled on our own. There you have it, instant democracy, our permanent presence in the Middle-East and a big jump in your numbers, especially if you make the announcement during your acceptance speech.
For the stick we would resurrect that ancient but highly efficient tool of empire building, crucifixion. Hell, look how many centuries it kept the Romans in power. Had the British gone with this, they’d still be players. There’s a precedent for it. The technique was seriously considered during the Philippine insurrection following the Spanish-American war. Have Rummy check the Pentagon archives for TM447-083-94cx. It contains all the specs: the optimum species of wood, length of the nails, maximum height, etc.
There’s a psych-op benefit here. The Middle East will only be stabilized if we can effect a major cultural transformation. The symbolism inherent in the cross would be an effective harbinger of this change. Plus lining the road to Baghdad with insurrectionists hanging from crosses would have a definite dampening effect on any future uprisings.
Some of your wimpier advisors in State might object saying this would fuel even more anti-American sentiment. Tell them not to worry. A simple redirection in the reconstruction effort will take care of that. Forget fixing the sewer system or the water system. Bechtel’s sole objective, for now, is to bring satellite TV to every hovel in Sadir City. Give every Shiia a TV and a play station and your problems are solved, provided the only programing is reruns of old American sitcoms.
This shows that there is not a problem, no matter how complicated, that can’t be solved by a simplistic approach.
Remember, Jesus loves empires.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
7:17:31 AM 
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