Editors Note: Nothing new about Belacqua’s travels. Today’s letter was sealed with a thorn similar to yesterdays, so he must still be holed up in the Pocono’s. Please report any sightings of a long, lean ugly figure shuffling along the highway with bent shoulders and a halting, erratic gait. He favors large boulders against which he loves to huddle for hours on end, curled in a fetal position.
Dear George,
If you want to look for a cause of the moral rot and decay that is spreading through our society you need look no further than the gradual undermining of patriarchal authority. History tells us that as patriarchy wanes wanton sexuality spreads its slime across our fair land. Sex sucks the life out of patriarchal authority.
Patriarchy is driven by a love of excellence and record-setting performances. Hell, patriarchy gave us the Industrial Revolution, a man on the Moon and a record-setting body count in the 20th Century. (Between Iraq and Sudan we are off to a bully start on the 21st.)
Today, the greatest threat to patriarchy is feminism. The women would make wimps of us all. To combat this creeping softness, we need to strike on two fronts.
First off, we gotta lose sex. A spent nation is a soft nation. Sex leads to all sorts of touchy-feely bullshit. There was a reason Indian warriors were celibate before battle. The inquisition had the edge it did because of its nominal chastity. A bloated prostate give a guy the meanness he needs to compete in today’s jungle.
The trick here is to sully sex’s “good-time” image. We do this with a simple, but effective, syllogism: All terrorists are passionate. Sex is passionate. Therefore, all sex is a form or terrorism.
There you have it, George, all the justification you need to bring sex under the authority of the Patriot Act. (Ashcroft was a true pioneer when he covered those bare boobs in the Justice Department.) Think of the possibilities! You can shut down every adult sex store in the country and kiss off the porn industry. You can clear the bookshelves of feminist literature with its subversive “our bodies, ourselves” bullshit. Bring back Eve’s curse and tout the vagina as the source of all evil. How many virgins were the 9/11 saboteurs promises when they reached heaven? I rest my case.
We’ve also got to revaluate our thinking about fundamentalist Islam. It’s possible the Taliban had some constructive ideas. Not that we’d put our women in burkahs. We don’t need them, not when we have Barbie dolls and Oil of Olay. An obsession with beauty aces the burkah any day.
Another component of your campaign to firm up the morals of America would be to shine a negative light on masturbation. Now, we don’t want to repeat the Victorian mistake of saying it causes warts. But maybe some of your captive scientists could publish some studies proving that excessive masturbation causes swelling and inflammation if the joints of the offending hand. Alternating hands wouldn’t help because by the end of the day you end up with two disfigured hands. This would play to two of the public’s greatest phobias: pain and ugliness. The frosting on the anti-masturbatory cake would be a statement by Greenspan pointing to the billions in productivity that is lost because of the time spent masturbating. (Let every business in America tear the doors from its bathroom stalls.)
However, we must be careful that we don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. There are a few areas where sexuality is a plus. For example, nothing inflames the fading testosterone of an aging legislator more than a new weapons system. We must continue to encourage this.
The next component of your campaign to return patriarchy to its God-ordained supremacy would be to quash the child-centered orientation that has been the bane of a civilized America. Too much loving mothering has given us a nation of latte-sucking wimps. The one characteristic of aggressive males is an uncaring or negligent mother. The Spartans and the British had the right idea, get the kid away from the mother around the age of six or seven and ship it off to a boarding school or a training camp.
And while we’re at it, let’s get over this education bullshit. The only children who need a good education are the children of the one-percent, our future leaders. For the others, they need just enough to make them productive drones. An educated proletariat undermines authority.
George, you’ve made a healthy start down to road to the restoration of the glory that was once patriarchy’s. Intensify this drive and you will restore the dynamic that is the driving force behind our greatness as a country, rape and pillage
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
8:48:15 AM 
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