Editor’s Note: Belacqua is back in town! Another rock came crashing through my window last night with Belacqua’s letter tied to it.
Dear George,
I’m getting Goddamn sick and tired of people saying you’re dumb as dishwater and just as dull. Now that the faithful have gathered in New York for your ascension, it’s time to review your accomplishments.
First, thanks to you, we’re the numero uno badass in the world. You’ve tossed our wimpy humanitarianism overboard and let the world know we’re ready to ride roughshod over anyone stupid enough to threaten our overseas interests. You’ve brought our nastiness out of the closet for the world to see. In your boldness, you have not hesitated to impoverish our country to pursue your dream of a world order. You have the vision thing down pat.
Secondly, you have replaced the real freedom of the Constitution with the synthetic freedom of the consumer. Freedom of choice has transplanted freedom of expression as the bedrock of our God-given rights. Who needs freedom of religion when we are presented with an infinite selection of toys (Same dynamic, different object)? Anyone desiring freedom of assembly can head for the nearest coliseum or stadium. You have democratized freedom by making it readily available to anyone with a credit card in their wallet.
Finally, you are an economic genius leading us all back to Christ. After all, did not Jesus lead a life of simplicity and poverty? And are you not allowing us to follow in his footsteps by facilitating a life of simplicity and poverty for the masses? It is time we returned to the traditional value upon which this nation rests: life is a veil of tears; endure your suffering on Earth, for verily, I say unto you that your reward shall come in heaven above.
One last word of advice: Stay the course. Your namesake George Armstrong Custer did so, and he is remembered as one of history’s immortals.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
9:03:22 AM 
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