Editor’s Note: I don’t know how, but Belacqua managed to get himself a pardon for his unfortunate misunderstanding with the New Jersey State Police. God knows who he sucked up to during the RNC.
Dear George:
I’m pumped! Ready! Lord what a rush! Your convention rocked! Nothing gets the adrenalin surging like an outpouring of white-hot anger. The future of your reign is rock-solid in place, grounded as it is on the tripod of fear, rage and violence. You will surely ride to victory on a throbbing torrent of venom. Keep ‘em scared shitless and pissed, George! That’s the key!
But, we’ve got another big “but” here: even as the passions throb it’s important to keep a clear head so we can maximize the momentum you’ve set in motion. You and the Devine Will are as one. This being so, then all who oppose you are, by definition, part of the forces of evil. And the bible tells us that the forces of evil can only be defeated by a liberal application of Christian hate and rage. “Hate and rage”, that is the clarion call that will purge our nation of Satin’s minions.
But hate and rage, by themselves, are not enough. To be effective, they must be institutionalized. Troopers, George, that’s what you need. Soldiers of Virtue who will be the first wave in your epic battle against evil. Such a force is grounded on three cardinal principles: organize, organize, organize.
Have Rove and his minions put together a group known as Shock Troops for Jesus. Shoot for the 16 to 26 demographic—those rebels for conformity. Encourage body piercings and tattoos. This is going to be a hip movement. The uniform would be Doc Martens, torn jeans and beige shirts. Top it off with a red armband sporting a black cross in the middle of a white circle. For short you could call them the Beigeshirts.
Their theology would be a model of simplicity: Anyone who has not accepted Jesus as their personal savior is less than human. Then send them out to do battle, led by Jesus wielding his keenly honed sword of Christian love, slashing and disemboweling the malignant tumor of evil. (Just thinking about it sets my heart to racing!)
One small point. Have Rove do his organizing through a front group. You need some indulgent deniability when the kids get out of hand. But hell, you’re an old hand at condemning violence even as you support it. Build support for the Beigeshirts with some massive rallies televised during prime time—you know, flags waving, bands blaring “Onward Christian Soldiers”, rank upon rank of blond, blue-eyed youth singing lustily as they march into the stadium. (It’s a pity Leni Riefenstahl passed away.) Falwell would be a good candidate for the group’s leadership. You need a knock-‘em-dead orator at the pulpit...I can't go on...
Sweet Jesus, stop holding your breath, we coming to bring you back!
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
7:25:12 AM 
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