Dear George,
I see that fifty-three percent of our workforce is whining that they’re “stressed out” by their work loads. Bleeding hearts claim that work-place stress costs the economy $300 billion a year in health care, missed work, and the stress reduction industry that destresses our workers so they can boost their productivity. (God bless transcendental meditation.)
Let’s set the record straight right here and now. These are not “stressed-out” workers. These are the left-over spoiled brats who came of age in the counter-productive era of the 35-hour work week and the month-long vacation. In short, these are people unfit for the New Economy.
But because they are a drain on the economy, it is incumbent upon us to take steps to insure that we do not have a repeat of their malingering. The trick, George, is to start conditioning them young. We do this through a new federal program called “The Productivity Enhancement Initiative.”
Here’s how it works: Any school district receiving federal aid is mandated to introduce the twelve-hour school day. You heard right! Let the little tykes be in the classroom from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday through Friday, and from 7 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Saturdays. Start them at the pre-K level. Give them cell phones and Blackberries. Let them get use to electronic shackles at an early age. Forget recess, gym, music, art and all other nonproductive activities that add nothing to the GDP.
It’s a winnowing process. It’s far better to have the kiddies burn out in the classroom than the workplace. It lessens the economic impact. If they crash, give ‘em a day off, shoot them full of Ritalin and send them back to the pressure cooker.
The stern school marm made this country strong; the permissive educator made it weak. Caning doesn’t hurt the child, it builds the character.
Do this and the next generation of workers will send the productivity numbers right off the charts. As for those who can’t cut it, amend the Patriot Act to make malingering a terrorist act. Book them, then jail them. We must never forget that an engorged prison population keeps the unemployment rate down.
Freedom is just another word for control. The masses trust you, George.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
5:36:03 AM 
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