Dear George,
Fear is a thing of beauty. It is the golden thread that firms up the social fabric. Nations bow before it in unified praise. But the price of fear is eternal vigilance. We must always be on the look out for patches of the fabric that have become threadbare or frayed.
The truth be told, George, our executions have become down right wimpy. Let’s face it! Lethal injections are nothing more than a penal ER. I mean how “humane” can you get? This negates the whole purpose of the execution which is to instill fear in would-be perpetrators. And you instill fear by prolonging the agony of death and in doing so as publicly as possible. A slow death on prime time—that will make the scum snap to and pay attention!
Now, both Ashcroft and DeLay want to convert our country to a bible-based society. A noble goal indeed! So let us turn our attention to the Book of Leviticus. The beauty of Leviticus is that everybody’s stoned. No, no, not high on drugs, but literally between a rock and a hard place. And there’s your solution, George, bring back stoning.
The advantages of this regression are immediately apparent. Death by stoning is long and drawn out. (You can prolong the agony by making the condemned wear a bicycle helmet, thus placating the consumer safety lobby.) The deterrent effect is obvious.
There is a secondary gain to be had with stoning. It has a hell of a potential as a revenue stream. Think about it: stoning on primetime, an easy thirty share. Imagine what you could charge for a thirty-second spot. But it doesn’t stop there. Promote the corporate sponsorship of the stones. Would not TVs “NYPD Blue” jump at the chance to sponsor the stones used to off a cop killer? Procter and Gamble's Tide would be a likely sponsor if the murderer’s victim had been buried in a shallow grave. General Motors would be thrilled to have its logo on stones hurled at someone convicted of vehicular homicide. The possibilities are endless. But there’s more. Big bucks could be made by selling the right to cast the first stone. Hell, every politician in the country would jump at the chance to prove that he is without sin.
The public is ready. Duly desensitized by professional wrestling and slasher movies they are primed for the gore of a bloody execution. Your approval rating would jump off the charts. With this additional bit of desensitization you would be free to bomb any place in the world and damn the collateral damage.
Let brutality ring!
The ball’s in your court, baby. Run with it!
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
4:57:03 PM 
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