Dear George,
It’s time to cut to the chase. With the election just weeks away you need a bold policy initiative to consolidate its theft.
Think strategically. There are two components to your base: the religious right and an army of CEOs and their minions of wannabes. You need an initiative that will electrify both.
The best policies are grounded in tradition, whether real or imagined. So reach into the magic hat of history and pull out the bunny. George, its time to bring back Manifest Destiny! It brought us to one level of greatness; it will carry us to the next. Take a globe of the world and spin it. What do you see? You see the United States as the fulcrum point of the world with Europe to the right and Asia to the left. Do you see God’s hand here? Why should our Manifest Destiny stop at the Atlantic or the Pacific? God didn’t just give us a continent, he gave us the world. Why settle for a section of an orange when you can scarf the whole thing.
It’s Pax Columbia, George. We spread democracy to the world that we may control it. And to those who cry “Hypocrisy,” we say hypocrisy is the cement that holds society together, while honesty and freedom are destructive forces that inhibit the spread of democracy.
How, you may ask, will this electrify your base? Simple. The religious right will see it as an expression of God’s will. After all we are a city of light upon the hill. Light spreads. The CEOs will love you. The average CEO when confronted by the instability and unpredictability of a market that is truly free pees his pants and goes whining to the nearest government for redress. They are addicted to a safe and controlled market. They will demand Pax Columbia.
But unlike our heavy-handed approach to Manifest Destiny in the 19th Century, the contemporary version must be characterized by stealth and finesse. Move slowly and in small increments.
As for your first strike, I would suggest a country that pisses all over our traditional values, a country that is ripe for regime change. George, we must take out the Principality of Monaco! For seven-hundred years the oppressed people of Monaco have be living under the iron heel of the Grimaldi monarchy. How “old Europe” is that? And if that wasn’t bad enough, their main industry is the sin of gambling. If that isn’t spitting in our savior’s face, I don’t know what is. Have the media start spreading tales of the atrocities that have been committed against innocent Americans once they have been fleeced at the roulette table. Credit denied, scorned, they are asked to check out of their hotels. Truly, these are tales that will make the blood of true patriots boil.
Strike first and strike hard. A regiment should be enough. Hit them in the wee hours of the morning when their still passed out in a drunken stupor. When they wake up they’ll be too hung over to notice the stars and stripes flying over the castle. Once they sober up the people of Monaco will great us as liberators. They will celebrate the overthrow of their oppressive monarchy. And they will understand and accept the economic ruin that will follow the closing down of their gambling dens, seeing in it the action of the free market. Soon their cries of thanksgiving will greet the structural adjustments imposed on them by the WBO.
After Monaco, the world!
God! What a rush liberation is!
One small move and the election is yours, George. Your popularity will soar and it’s possible you might not need the Deibold voting machines to win.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
12:47:01 PM 
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