Dear George,
As a graduate of the Yale School of Business I am surprised you haven’t jumped on a simple but effective policy that would tighten your grip on power.
The business world is abuzz with talk about “Branding.” The brand is everything. Without a viable brand a business is doomed to failure. Billions are spent hyping and positioning brands, building customer loyalty and scamming the public into believing that the brand has soul.
Seize the brand by the stacking swivel, George, and carry it up to the next level. Introduce the world to the next Big Brand: The Patriotic American. Make patriotism a brand complete with its own logo and America will snap to with the speed of a rattlesnake’s jaws chomping down on its victim.
Now the key to successful branding is not just PR and advertising. It’s also quality control. After all, a Coke that tastes like panther piss is sure to lose its cache as a brand.
Just as McDonalds wants its freedom fries a certain length, so we want to standardize the criteria for The Patriotic American brand. Uniformity of quality is all.
Your first step would be the establishment of regional and local Quality Control Boards (with the power to subpoena).
I would suggest the following criteria to determine who would qualify for The Patriotic American brand.
1. He or she believes in my country, right or wrong.
2. He or she accepts Jesus Christ as their personal savior.
3. He or she believes in the inerrancy of Scripture.
4. He or she has maxed out at least two credit cards.
5. He or she drives an American-made vehicle that gets less than 15 mph/city.
6. He or she owns an assault rifle.
Following a through examination, complete with documentation, an applicant would receive one of three possible classifications:
1. 1A—all criteria met, eligible for branding.
2. 1S—not all criteria met but applicant has signed a commitment sheet agreeing to meet all standards within six months.
3. 4F—rejected. Applicant thinks criteria are a crock of shit.
Now for the logo. The public loves logos. Most people don’t feel comfortable unless they are wearing several of them. The logo helps the wearer achieve identity and authenticity. The logo for someone branded A Patriotic American would have to stand above this competition.
This may sound a little odd on the surface, but think about it. With the proper marketing effort, it could be a sell-sell. Those classified 1A would have a multicolored, but tasteful, American flag tattooed on their foreheads. Those classified 1S would have the outline of the flag, with the red, white and blue added when they met the criteria. Those classified 4F would have a black circle tattooed on their foreheads. Forgery would be discouraged by the use of an irradiated ink.
Now your critics might object that fashion-conscious women are not going to want their foreheads disfigured by tattoos. Silence them with two arguments. First, point out that these are the same women who are lopping off their toes so their feet will fit into fashionable, pointy-toed spikes. The chicks are pre-sold on mutilation. Second, your critics all have black circles tattooed on their foreheads, so their opinions aren’t worth shit.
The beautiful thing is that as our domination spreads over the earth, our branding effort will follow in its wake until that glorious moment when a military commander, facing a charging horde of insurgents, will tell his men, “Don’t shoot ‘til you see the black of their circles.”
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
5:50:34 PM 
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