Dear George
Sometimes I wonder! I mean, I find it difficult to fathom that there are people out there who are so completely out of touch with reality, people who are so blinded by morality that it distorts their vision and fries their brains. For example, I was just reading a piece by a bleeding heart objecting to the use of depleted uranium in our shells for fear it would turn Iraq into a radioactive landfill. How goddamn ignorant can a person be? But, rather than invective, let us rebut this individual with the opaque clarity of fact.
There are innumerable advantages to using depleted uranium in our armaments. First, a shell made of depleted uranium can level an elementary school with one shot, while a conventional shell will only damage it. Then there’s the question of efficiency. Depleted uranium provides a greater body-part-to-blast ratio then conventional shells. And they are infinitely more humane because they kill instead of maiming.
These are the primary benefits. There are also secondary benefits. The do-gooders whine that exposure to depleted uranium causes birth defects. Get a life, folks! Don’t you know that mutation is nature’s way of improving the species? If a prehistoric ape hadn’t been born with a mutant thumb that was opposable to the other four fingers we’d still be scavenging fruit in the African rain forests. A child born without arms only proves that in the age of intravenous feeding arms are vestigial remnants of a pre-IV era. There is another benefit in the scientific fact that exposure to small doses of radiation over an extended period of time immunizes a child against radiation sickness. This increases their chances of survival when we nuke them. And lastly, it’s a hell of a lot easier to find your kid at night if he glows in the dark.
George, you’ve got to silence the whiners. They demoralize the public and get them all upset. How in the hell is a person suppose to enjoy CSI when you’ve got nutcakes out there talking about real bodies?
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
4:52:35 PM 
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