In the case of every other predominate animal the world has ever seen…the hour of its complete ascendancy is the eve of its complete overthrow.
H.G. Wells
Dear George,
Memorize the above. That’s why we gotta git while the gittin’s good. Look at what happened to the British. Their empire peaked in 1898 with the slaughter of the Dervish army at the Battle of Omdurman. The peak lasted eight years before their empire began to unravel at the Battle of the Somme, and the world lost a civilizing force. Now we are the civilizing force as we stagger beneath the Whiteman’s burden in our mission to bring free trade to the world.
The British taught us a valuable lesson: it is only through suffering and hardship that the savage is civilized. Our noble mission in Iraq is to civilize the Muslim barbarian. This is why I was thrilled to hear we are cutting off any further funding of the Iraq reconstruction. Only a people without electricity, with fouled water, starvation, inadequate medical care and rampant unemployment stand a chance of becoming a capitalist society. The whip is the great civilizer, not the classroom.
To give an order to the savage who doesn’t understand English, to stare into his uncomprehending eyes, to beat his blank face to a bloody pulp, that is the thrill of bringing civilization to the backward peoples of the world.
But, I speak metaphorically.
Now, instead of the lash and the fist, we rely on the cluster bomb and the IMF. Why foul our boots with their blood? As for those who refuse to accept our civilizing gifts, we would do well to follow the advice of that great nineteenth century sage who taught us to, “Exterminate all the brutes.” If we’ve become too soft as a nation to do it physically, we can always do it culturally.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
9:02:26 PM 
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