Dear George,
It’s time for the blame game now that the economy has done a belly flop in the fourth quarter. A piss-assed growth rate of 1.1 percent is the worst we've seen in three years. Here are some suggestions should be part of your agenda for the coming year:
- Health costs are ruining our corporations. People are living too damn long and are surviving illnesses that years ago would have killed them at a decent age. Your plan for health savings accounts coupled with high-deductible medical insurance guarantees that fewer people will have coverage and will die sooner taking the pressure off of—
- Pensions that are another source of corporate red ink. If working stiffs are living into their nineties, it makes sense that they'll drain the corporate treasury What we need to aim for is more people dying on the job, which points a finger at another drag on corporate profits—
- Regulation, especially OSHA regulations. How in the hell are people going to die on the job if we’ve got federal safety regulators running all over the plant fixing this hazard and that hazard. Add to this the cost to business for contesting fines and you have another drain on the economy. Let’s get those guards off the conveyor belts, expose more wires, and make punch presses a form of extreme sports by only requiring one button to activate them. And no more of these little wrist gizmos that jerk a workers arms back if they are in danger of being crushed as the press slams down, which reminds me of the drag created by--
- Child labor laws. The bottom line is that kids work cheap. By bringing back child labor you would be helping the under classes. As their standard of living plummets, it will become necessary for the whole family to work in order to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. Besides, the sooner you can get the tykes into the factory, the better the chances that they’ll get themselves killed on the job, especially if the take those guards off the conveyor belts. They’re a real kiddy reaper.
Look, since you’re moving us forward into the nineteenth century, you might as well go whole hog and bring back the good old days when industrial work was little more than wage slavery. See to the above, and I’ll guarantee that not only will the economy take off, but that we’ll be more competitive globally. Hell, if some dink ass third-world country can employ child labor, why can’t we.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
10:48:04 PM 
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