Dear George,
What does a wise man do when a policy goes south? It’s simple; he repositions the policy. I bring this up because the public is fed up with Iraq as the centerpieceof your Global War on Terror.
What you need is a brand name that will rally America just as the Cold War did. The irony is that this new brand is one your opponents have thrown at you. Seize it and make it the banner that will carry the military-industrial complex well into the twenty-first century.
George, you are going to stand tall and tell the world, “Fucking-a it was about the oil!”
Explain that it is the mission of the American military to keep America rolling down its super highway of freedom. Oil will achieve a deeper market penetration than terror. The threat to a person’s life from a terrorist is distant and abstract. A threat to his F-150 pickup is immediate and visceral. Iran’s possession of nuclear weapons produces a yawn; Iran’s possession of oil that is by rights ours grabs the public’s attention. This threat to our national security and our prosperity demands that the Global War on Terror be rebranded as The Petrowar! (God, petro is a sexy little prefix. Look at all the neologisms it yields: petrosecurity, petrofreedom, petrohealth, petrovironment, petropolicy, and petrocorpses.)
The Petrowar would allow you to reposition energy conservation as a threat to our national security since it is our manifest destiny to control the world’s oil supply. God has gifted us with the technical know-how needed to exploit our fossil fuels to the fullest. No brown skin heathen is going to come between us and that which is ours by divine right.
Let us join hands as a nation as we strive for that glorious day when our military will burn two barrels just to bring one barrel of oil under our control.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
9:01:31 PM 
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