Dear George,
Let’s face it, science sucks! If it’s not scaring the public with its jeremiads about global warming, it’s compromising their faith with its theory of evolution. The healthy society is one that can mythicize both reality and science.
Fear not, faith is fighting back! You are doing your utmost to give science an ideological spin that makes it safe for public consumption. By wielding the cudgel of Intelligent Design, you’ve put science on the defensive, even as Big Oil is actively funding scientific hacks to preach the truth that global warming is a scam.
Now a new front has opened up in the struggle to relegate science to the world of make believe. We are beginning to discover that Copernicus was wrong. The earth, not the sun, is at the center of the universe. I am sure that you, with your sensitive and perceptive gut, know this to be true. We say that the sun rises in the east, not that the earth turns into the sun. Nor does the earth turn away from the sun at dusk; it sets!
Simple observation proves that the earth does not spin on its axis. Sitting before me is a half-empty cup of coffee. That the liquid is motionless proves that the earth is static. Were the earth to be in motion, the liquid would slosh against the side of the cup, and dishes would come falling out of the cupboards. Newtonian physics establishes that the earth is motionless.
The Mid-Atlantic Creation Research Association, headed by Tom Willis, is spearheading the rehabilitation of the geocentric worldview. This group convinced the Kansas State Board of Education to remove references to evolution, earth history and scientific methodology from the elementary school curriculum. Tragically, a group of Marxist deconstructionists put them back in, but the struggle continues.
It is fitting that we revise our cosmology to reflect our perception that the earth is static while the heavenly sphere revolve around it. And I say, fuck retrograde movement! It is merely the deluded fantasies of some stoned astronomers.
Besides, your policies have given a new meaning to the geocentric worldview. In geocentric cosmology, the very center of the universe—the center of the earth—is the ninth circle of Hell. (Thanks to you, the surface of the earth is now the first circle.) This explains why the core of the earth is molten rock. It follows that a volcano is simply Hell regurgitating the souls of the damned. The day will come, sometime in the future, when you and the Big Dick will be lighting up the night sky in a spew of red-hot lava.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
4:57:08 AM 
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