Note: Because of a wild and busy weekend, I didn’t have a change to do a new letter. So I am reposting Belacqua’s first letter that appeared in July 2004. The dust is settling and tomorrow promises an original letter.
Dear George,
We’re two regime changes away from being a world-class empire. Now is the time to dot some i’s and cross some t’s. There is still one dynamic missing if we are to achieve immortality as an empire, and one word describes that dynamic:
Constipation!
Your hear me right, George. Show me a man who’s gone three weeks without a movement and I’ll show you a mean mother who can snuff a third world dictator or oppress an indigenous people without breaking a sweat.
It’s all documented in Sir Arthur Sitsbalther’s seminal work, The Iron Colon: Colonialism and Constipation in Fifteenth Century Europe.
Here’s the gist of it: When Europe embarked upon its colonial expansion in the fifteenth century, its diet was grain-based. Meat was a rarity and fruits didn’t exist. Those people were bound up and loaded for bear. The rest is history.
Now, here’s the rub. A gastrointestinal dialectic was at work here. As Europeans expanded into the tropical climes, more fruit was introduced into their diet. More fruit, more regularity, and the more regular a man is the softer he becomes, both figuratively and literally. Thus, we saw Europe’s decline in the twentieth century.
We get the same pattern with the Romans. Now, those guys were empire builders. Everywhere they went they took a stack of two-by-fours and a box of nails. Step out of line and they hung you out to dry. In the beginning, they traveled on bead and grain. The world never stood a chance.
But, what happened? The empire spread into the Middle East. Dates and figs entered their diet, and before you knew it, bound-up barbarians were pounding at the gates of Rome.
History is teaching us a lesson, George. Put our troops on a grain-based diet and shut down the latrines. Empire demands firmness of purpose and bowel.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
5:10:31 AM 
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