Dear George,
I fully understand that you’re spending all of your time trying to weasel out of one scandal after another, so I don’t expect you to act on my recommendations right away. But, there is one I made sometime ago that could bail you out big time.
First, some background: Retired General Tommy Franks is our Isaiah, showing us the way out of the wilderness of freedom. Shortly after 9/11, Franks said that in case of another major terror attack on America, the military would have to assume command of the country (emphasis mine)
George, I hate to get testy, but if you remember, I suggested a long time ago that all sort of benefits would accrue to you if your Special Ops blew up a Wal-Mart in Peoria. Do it late at night so nobody gets hurt, but level the goddamn place. Trigger a blast that would break every pane of glass in Peoria. Then have the FBI arrest the first brown skin they lay their hands on. If his name is Juan, book him as Mohammed, declare him an unlawful enemy combatant and ship his ass of to Gitmo for some creative swimming lessons.
With that, martial law is yours for the taking, and you become the first military man in history to be promoted from deserter to five-star general. Screw the flight suits, you’d look better with tin stars to match your tin balls and row after row of ribbons signifying nothing.
Think of it! No more messy elections, no more pain-in-the-ass Congress, and you replace the Supreme Court with a one-man military commission made up of you.
Act now, George, before your dream bubble pops and the public sees you as the clown you are, which they already do, but under martial law, you can shoot them for laughing at you.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
6:56:51 AM 
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