Dear George,
Pay attention! Inspiration has me by the gonads, and I’m on a roll! Everybody’s having a hissy-fit over illegal immigration (a nice job of framing there—“illegal” instead of “undocumented”--everyone uses it). We’ve got 11 million lawbreakers in our country, and it’s time to send them home.
But, there’s a problem. These felons make up 78% of our agricultural work force. Sometime ago, I suggested replacing them with impoverished white families and a way of strengthening family values. The only problem is you’d have to pay them the minimum wage. Hell, if you’re going to stir the pot, you might as well cut down on expenses.
Well, George, our progressive western states have come up with a solution that not only solves the immigration problem, but also promises to make us a powerhouse competitor in the global marketplace. The state of Colorado is considering a plan to replace its paper felons from across the border with criminal felons from these here United States of America. You’ve got it! We’re talking convict labor. We owe much of our progress to convict labor. The use of convict labor in Germany gave us Werner von Braun, who gave us our space program, which gave us our Starwars defense system.
It gets even better: Colorado is planning to pay their convicts the standard prison pay of 60 cents per day! And, there are no benefits to worry about, no troublesome workmen’s compensation insurance to slow things down, and no immigration fuzz snooping around.
Colorado is not the first state to try this. Arizona sent 60 prisoners to in their watermelon fields last year, and Iowa’s legislature is considering a similar program. As one official put it, “They (the prisoners) will be learning some [sub minimum wage] work skills.”
Think of the potential, here! We’ve got 2.2 million convicts locked up. When you factor in those on parole or probation, your labor pool increases to a cool seven million. (Staying out of jail is a powerful incentive to work for coolie wages.)
If McDonalds could pay their fry-flingers 60 cents a day, they’d bring their overhead way down. All you need do is redefine community service as voluntary labor. It would be a chance to reinvigorate our industrial base, break the few remaining unions and get Wal-Mart off the hook for their shoddy labor practices.
We’re looking at a new post-industrial revolution that will usher in an era of unbridled prosperity for Corporate America, which is the only America worth worrying about.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
5:39:37 AM 
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