Dear George,
I couldn’t believe it, but there it was on the front page of The New York Times: the truth coming out of your mouth when you told the world, “This government does not torture people.”
Once again, Congress had its knickers in a knot over a secret memo in which the Justice Department gave its blessing to the application of enhanced interrogation techniques on the bodies and souls of suspected terrorists. This is supposed to yield “actionable intelligence” that will enable you, O leader-decider, to “protect America.”
Enhancement is a win-win closed circle. Enhanced suspects will tell you what you want to hear just to stop the enhancement thus confirming your conviction that said suspects were worthy subjects for enhancement in the first place.
Now, the reason you didn’t lie when you said we don’t torture is because your Department of Justice came up with a neat little definition that defines torture as any technique that causes:
- Death
- Pain equal to the loss of an organ
- The loss of a bodily function
A while ago, I suggested a cute little exercise that demonstrates that the line between torture and enhancement doesn't exist. I called it the Gonzales Test. To begin, place the first joint of your forefinger on your desk. Then take a ball-peen hammer and smash the finger as hard as you can. It hurts like hell, but it ain’t torture. It doesn’t kill you, losing a fingernail is not like losing an organ, and no bodily function is impaired other than picking your nose.
Keep the hammer in your desk, and the next time a congressman comes into the Oval Office bitching about secret torture memos, tell him to put the first joint of his forefinger on your desk…
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
6:56:15 AM 
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