Dear George,
Slowly, ever so slowly, America is regressing forward to her halcyon days of rabid patriotism that levelled cities and slaughtered natives. For a while, it looked as if we had lost it and were in danger of transitioning into a nation of rational lefties more concerned with the welfare of others than with promoting our narrow national interests.
Lest we become complacent let us not forget that we have miles to go before we sleep. There are still pockets of resistance, polluted pools of critical thought roiled by those who would question America’s inherent goodness and idealism.
For example, one of your loyal storm troopers, Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA) recently introduced a bill to cut off all federal funding to Columbia University because it had the temerity to allow Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak on its campus. Tragically, the bill died in committee, but the congressman struck the first blow against the last remaining pocket of resistance in America, the university.
Too many academics refuse to recognize that America is no longer a free and open society. Rather, we are a militaristic superpower. The two are incompatible. A country cannot sit around discussing options while combat operations are raging.
This is why we are slowly transitioning our university into bloated trade schools where students acquire the skills that will be outsourced to India.
Rep. Hunter wants to return patriotism to the university. We’re not talking the wimp-patriotism that sings of “amber waves of grain.” No, George, we’re talking the full-throated militant patriotism that celebrates an America that is God’s righteous sword, gutting evil wherever it may exist and bringing to the world the salific balm of capitalism and monitored democracy.
The patriotism Hunter wants returned to the campus is the patriotism that affirms that you are America and all that she stands for, and that loyalty to you is loyalty to America, while disloyalty to you is treason.
We are in a fight for our very survival against sneaker-wearing hajjis who refuse to accept the gifts we are offering. It is a fight that demands total unity so America may think and act as one. We can no longer afford to have demented academics publishing papers and articles undermining America’s will.
The message to academia must be clear and unequivocal: If you publish, you perish.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
6:42:16 AM 
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