Dear George,
There is a warm comfort in the stench of bullshit. The more its odor permeates every nook and cranny of the media, the more it becomes a security blanket for the public as it eases anxieties and resolves doubt. We can never overestimate its contribution to order and stability. The soothing voice of the pundit repeating the official line sends its perfume wafting over the land like an opiate. Delusion comforts; reality unnerves.
I mention this because it is time to add some fresh dung to the pile. That fluttering sound you hear in the background is the sound of our economic house of cards beginning to collapse. I know you had wanted to keep the rickety structure in place until you left office, if you ever do. However, there are times events take on a life of their own and you discover that your control is far from comprehensive.
So, instead of crying over spilt milk, it is time to decide on a course of action.
The first step when faced with a crisis is to blame someone else. The fact that you have spent the country into financial ruin has nothing to do with the current crisis. One word sums up the reason for our crumbling economy: Iran.
The cost of oil is spiking and China, along with some other countries, is getting ready to dump its dollars because Iran is building a nuclear weapon. The Islamofascist defiance of the United States is driving up the price of oil and causing the world to lose confidence in our way of life.
When faced with an economic meltdown, the wise leader knows that there is only one course of action open to him: start a war.
Nuking Iran because is it undermining our prosperity has stronger legs as a rationale than blaming Iran for killing Americans in Iraq. Never forget that the public perceives your Iraq enterprise as a hi-def video game in which nobody really dies. So it’s hard to stir up patriotic passion with dead GIs.
However, should the American people believe that Iran is responsible for cutting in to their shopping, the world will see an outpouring of patriotic fervor unlike any that has gone before. Shopping is one of America’s fundamental freedoms and God help the nation that tries to mess with it.
Do you think for a moment America will stand by and allow a bunch of religious fanatics in funny robes to spoil her children’s Christmas? Will any teenage girl tolerate wearing last year’s fashion? Will a red-blooded American male let anything stand between him and the new car the Madison Avenue tells him is a chick magnet?
The answer, George, is a resounding no! Convince Americans their credit cards are under siege and you can bomb anyone anywhere for any reason whatsoever.
Fire up the propaganda machine and start spitting out the sound bites. Tell Iran there will be some “serious consequences” if it threatens the national credit line. Visa and Mastercard are national treasures, and we will defend them to the last drop of our blood and the last penny plucked from the floor of our national treasury.
Sound the bugle and call the public to the ramparts. Let us unite as one country to preserve the sanctity of the purchase so our children and grandchildren may pay the price for our consumptive follies.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
6:29:59 AM 
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