The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly On The Plain...
It is, apparently, impossible to be attractive on the West Coast of Canada.
Intellectually, I know this cannot be true. I see attractive people everywhere I look! They brush by me, lovely below layers of Goretex and microfleece, their doe eyes batting beneath hoods and umbrella edges and awnings...
The thing is, you can't have any FUN with it here.
If you wear makeup, you will notice it departing from your face in colourful, sparkly rivulets when you step out into our daily monsoon. Even if you manage to shield yourself from the falling drops, the humidity will melt it from your eyes and lips before long.
If you are one to wear pretty shoes, with straps and bows and heels (or really, something other than a rubber boot tread), you will find your feet sodden to the core. And even as your feet dry indoors, the glue that holds your shoes together will disintegrate, and cause your beloved footwear to fall away in a mess of dye-bled fabric and/or shrunken leather. Most of us just end up in lug soles and wool socks, because those are the ONLY things that show any staying power in the midst of our torrential sunshine.
If you buy a new shirt or new sweater, forget showing it off. Rather, you will, by necessity, cover it in multiple layers of the aforementioned Goretex, and end up making that age-old argument that single-women-not-getting-any-action make for buying themselves lovely lingerie: "At least I know it's pretty...no one else needs to see it!".
For women, a skirt is always a fun fashion choice, unless you live, as I do, in a climate that leaves your legs drenched by a simple walk from the house to the car. As a child, did you ever wet yourself by accident? Do you remember the unsettling sensation of that awful stream heading down your leg into your shoe? Well, imagine that (without the accompanying sweet bladder release) on a daily basis. We are the pantsuited, chino-ed, trousered legion here, because one should only have to towel one's legs off once a day...when you emerge from the shower.
I've saved the most aggravating West Coast beauty issue for last, since this is the one that gets the most conversational play from my friends:
You CANNOT have a hairdo here. You simply may not. They should really have signs to indicate this when you enter the province: 'Welcome to Beautiful British Columbia. Here's Your Hat.' And sure, sure, there are other parts of BC up north and in the interior that have bone-dry weather, but since I don't live there, I shall simply pretend the world revolves around my region (you'd think I was from Toronto!).
The curly girls go mondo-frizzo. The wavy girls either find their lively hair flopping, going uber-curly, or poufing into a Brillo-esque unit. The straight-haired might as well give up on anything other than straight hair, because whatever you blowdry or curl will soon be reduced to prairie-flatitude. You can try an umbrella or a hood, but guaranteed, the wind and the mist will find you out! I have seen people with uncommonly lovely locks wrestle with snarls the size of yarn balls just trying to 'comb out' first thing in the morning. The humidity is everyone's natural coif enemy. You cannot fight it. You simply must accept it, and purchase a toque.
Alas, there is not much that can be done to aid us here on the Coast in our pursuit of good looks. I suppose this is where we got the reputation for being 'natural beauties'. Everyone thinks we roll out of bed, do nothing with our hair, skip the makeup, and head outside. But the reality is, we did A LOT...it just evaporated the second we walked out the door.
And that 'athletic style' people appreciate so much? Underneath, we're as fruity and tarty as anyone else. But without the requisite North Face/Mountain Equipment CoOp/Taiga/Columbia/Helly-Hansen gear, we end up with see-through shirts. And unless you're in Fort Lauderdale, nine Coronas to the wind, that's generally not considered cool.
I would keep going, but there's a chance the sun might be out on Saturday. I want to start choosing my outfit now!
2:22:58 PM 
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