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The Flatland Chronicles for Friday, July 14
JOURNAL. In addition to the writings I've published in The Heretic's Handbook on religious matters, I very nonreligiously sent Mr. Rumcove this (slightly expurgated) letter this morning. He has been a bit too unavailable of late.
Rumcove:
[screeching begins]
Why won't you answer my last email, you horrid PRAT**? Do I HAVE to insult you to get a response?
I am treating you with rigorous respect & dignity and ensuring that I do not overstep which is why I never use your fucking* mobile** for calling you, but if you don't watch yourself I WILL, and when you LEAST EXPECT IT
I wrote a piece on your estuary accent
I repeat: tosser**
[/screeching ends]
*Apologies to any offended by profanity. There is something about the rhythm that pleases the ear---at least MY ear. I don't often drop an f-bomb, but I do if it will improve the quality of my insults. One reason I love Deadwood is that the characters (and writers) appreciate how funny the word "fucking" is in some context. Just insert it randomly while reading aloud from the Bible or a recipe, as any self-respecting Deadwood character would do. Comedy gold.
**English words & phrases. I ONLY use them in talking to English people. I like to address them in terms they will understand.
I received this reply:
Poop poop poop! I did reply to your last e mail. You must not be cross with me. It is horrid. It is we geniis' perogative to be shallow and feckless, you know this. I am STILL trying to see if I can get over but money is tighter than usual. You are quite welcome to call my mobile although if you could get texts life would be even simpler.
I am currently on the sauce with Phy but will call you this weekend. To thee this I vow.
"Phy" is the nickname of R's boon companion (who is MUCH NICER THAN HE IS), not an esoteric religious practice or type of ethnic cuisine. I imagine that 'genii' is the plural of 'genius' in Rumcove-speak (which has its own quirks not found elsewhere in Essex). The 'sauce' in question is beer, of which Rumcove considers himself a connoisseur.
I am simultaneously relieved that Mr Rumcove has been insulted into a reply and annoyed that he did not respond to my much politer letter last week (or read my posting on estuary accents).
RELATED POSTINGS:
Today's Digest:
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WAS JESUS MARRIED TO MARY MAGDALENE (OR ANYONE)? WHY THIS HERETIC THINKS NOT. Not that I'd object at all if someone could prove that he was. Though I prefer to think of her as an apostle. In The Heretic's Handbook.
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UMBERTO ECO, FOUCAULT'S PENDULUM: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE TEMPLARS. An international bestseller in the 1990's; it deserves to be read and reread in the wake of The Da Vinci Code. Serious summer reading, to sharpen your blunted palate. Guarenteed to make you think And then think some more. WARNING: You may end up thinking about the Templars. And as this book makes clear, no good can come of that. In Just Eat the Damn Peach.
Images © 2006 Jupiterimages Corporation. Used pursuant to license from Animation Factory.com.
9:52:06 PM 
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