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The "Princess Bride" Fallacy & an Eminently Practical Approach to Etiquette for Brides
I just had a conversation with a 23 year old bride-to-be who actually uttered the dreaded phrase: "It's my day, after all" with a perfectly straight face. I am not her mother, thank God, or even a relative or a family friend, so I didn't even hesitate about keeping my mouth shut and letting her carry on with her self-centered plans to put on a festival that is ALL ABOUT HER. I don't think I'll be attending that particular wedding.
How, please, did the phrase "It's your day" get introduced into the culture's views on marriage ceremonies? Who TELLS these young idiots that their wedding day is "their day." When did girls start thinking that a wedding day is only about her? Who is responsible? Whatever the cause, the actual experience is seldom enjoyed by the actual participants; instead, it's a painful rite of passage which can cost as much as a college education or the down payment on a house. Quite ridiculous and very much the reverse of romantic. Why do young girls put themselves and their loved ones through these silly charades?
Actually, it's probably not the belief of the bride that it's her day that causes the problem so much as a serious failure of some parents to teach their children the obligations that you incur when you throw an event in your own honor.
When I was very young, my parents used to give enormous birthday parties for me. We lived in a small town and in a neighborhood where there were a lot of young children. People put on lavish birthday parties and the birthday kid got to be the center of attention for a day. Everyone had to bring you presents and be nice to you. But---and this was important----the opportunity to be the center of attention came along with a host of obligations.
Along with the fun of being princess for a day comes the obligation of nobless oblige. Before 'celebrities' started setting standards for behavior, people understood a lot more than they do today about what it means to be real royalty as opposed to Hollywood royalty. Yes, people have to bow and scrape and be nice to you, and you get to dress up and be the center of attention, but all the homage comes with obligations. In fact, the more homage there is, the greater your obligations.
Yes, so when I had my 'princess for a day' moments as a child, I had NO CONTROL over: [1] the guest list; [2] the refreshments; and [3] the ceremonies. Making people envious was never the stated objective of a birthday party (or any similar rite, such as wedding), nor was making them give you presents. Those were at best considered side benefits. The people I lived among would not have been impressed at all over a mere spectacle of greed satisfied; to impress them, you had to be what we called 'gracious' (a word that I'm not hearing much lately) and we had to make sure everyone had a good time or at least be seen trying. If we at least tried, we got the credit for our intentions.
A party was a failure if the guests ended up feeling that they had been summoned to pay tribute without getting in exchange the expected 'good time.' To be successful, a party had to be FUN.
So my mother planned my birthday parties so that they would be fun for my guests. Getting to be the center of attention and getting presents was considered sufficient fun for the birthday child. "But it's my birthday!" I certainly whined on a couple of occasions. "That's why you need to be a good girl and be nice to everyone," was the reply. I can still remember my mother taking me aside at one birthday where I was being particularly cranky to my guests. "You need to straighten up right now and behave yourself," she said, "or we'll end the party and send everyone home. If you're too tired to behave, you're too tired to have a party." I was taken aback, but I did what she said. I knew she meant it.
When I got married, the same principles applied. By that time, I knew better than to say to my parents, "But it's my day," though I did say once or twice, "But it's my wedding!" After a certain amount of argument, they conceded that I should be able to pick out my dress and my music, though they reserved veto power over both. Other than that, everything was framed in terms of my duties as a bride. One of them was to like everything anyone chose to gave me (and subtly exchange it only if I needed to); another was to write thank you notes. The attitude was: "We're going to all this trouble and expense for you; the least you can do is behave as if you appreciate it!"
As for brides who pay for their weddings themselves, exactly the same thing applies, only more so. If you are going to be the guest of honor at your OWN party, you better make damn sure that you behave in a way that makes the people you've summoned to be your guests share your high opinion of yourself.
In other words, if you're bent on being princess for day, you had better make sure that you learn the rudiments of noblesse oblige. That requires making the peasantry think that you are amazed and delighted by the homage, that you love them in return, and that you are prepared to show that love by providing them with the best time you can. Otherwise they WILL turn on you.
Real royalty know that the joy, to the extent there is any, in a public celebration of 'your day', whatever it is, lies in the disposition of people to concede that you're entitled to special treatment and attention. Whether or not you actually end up enjoying it is pretty much beside the point. So are your feelings about what other people 'owe' you.
For valuable information about wedding conduct your guests will hate---and mock---I (once more) recommend that any bride-to-be spend some serious time perusing Etiquette Hell ("the internet's largest repository of bad behavior.") And even without reading (but I have ordered it and WILL read it), I would recommend the wedding etiquette book just published by one of the founders of the site, Jeanne Hamilton): Wedding Etiquette Hell : The Bride's Bible to Avoiding Everlasting Damnation. According to the blurb from the site's homepage,
[quote begins]
Eschewing the stuffy rules and traditions that typically gets labeled as "etiquette", this book focuses on the etiquette that really matters to those nearest and dearest to you. Jeanne Hamilton has compiled and condensed the most commonly committed faux pas thousands of her fans of www.EtiquetteHell.com have sent her over the years into a hilarious book which drives the points home with real-life stories.
[quote ends]
I can't think of a better way to learn the consequences of bad bridal behavior than to spend time finding out what people are really going to say about you and your 'dream' wedding if you don't practice the requisite noblesse oblige.
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