24 Hour News Stations
Ray and Sharon,
I finally got a SERIOU$ idea for employment. I mean BIG MONEY!!!!!! You ever watch any of those 24 Hour news
stations on the TV? I have watched them
a lot since all the trouble last September 11th, and I have a question. Where in the heck do they dig up all these
ex-people to do ‘expert’ commentary on the news at hand? Ex-Generals, ex-Counter Terrorism experts,
ex-Federal Prosecutors, ex-Judges, ex-Cons, ex-FBI Profilers, ex-Green Beret
guys, ex-Navy Seals, ex-Hookers, ex-CEOs, ex-Politicians, ex-Hostage
Negotiators, etc., etc., etc., and ad infinitum, and ad nauseum!
(EXAMPLE: I sent the following poem to one of those stations
and they dug up an ex-Ivy League Poetry Professor to analyze the dang
thing! Check this out!
Lightning
Bug Poem
When I was young, I knew a girl
Who was good at heightening Pugs!
They ran real fast, but they never had
A chance to catch Lightning Bugs!
My dear old Mom, spent her days
At a plant just whitening rugs,
But she still had time on a summer’s eve,
To teach me ‘bout Lightning Bugs!
Now I finish my work, down at the shop,
Each June, I’m tightening lugs!
Then I head on home, grab me a beer,
And wait on the Lightning Bugs!
I’ve heard folks say year after year,
That they have such frightening mugs!
But all I know is that kids chase em,
And they love those Lightning Bugs!
You can make a ring, you can make anything
When you got a Lightning Bug.
But ya can’t make squat ‘cause you ain’t got naught
If ya never seen a Lightning Bug!
Ex-Poetry Guy’s comments:
“The ephemeral quality of this precious insect is lost in
this forced poetic attempt! Obviously
the ‘so-called’ poet is an amateur and is not aware that Firefly is the proper
term for this most delightful and enchanting of wing-ed (pronounced like 2
words….I swear to God that is the way he said it, Sharon!) creatures. Moreover, Firefly offers more opportunities
for rhymes as well! Dismal, yes most
dismal, at best!”
That guy was a dang fool, Sharon! First of all, he is not even aware that this
poem holds the record for rhymes with Lightning Bugs. Plus, I have written other poems, too! As a matter of fact, I am gonna send my ‘Two
Legged Dog Poem’ to those guys and see what they say about that one! (I might even make this one into a country
song and that guy is goin’ to have to live with the fact that my new mansion,
replete with Black Velvet Elvis paintings, was paid for by a DISMAL dang
Lightning Bug poem that he was too dang stupid to recognize as a pretty good
rhyme!)
Sharon,
about this time, you are probably askin’ yourself, “Where is Flat goin’ with
this?”
Well, I’m thinkin’, if all these guys are ex-experts, then
why are they ex? If they’re so smart,
why aren’t they working’ in their ‘field’ rather than chewin’ the fat with a
bunch of rude danged news readers?
But get this, Sharon! I really am an ex-, so I’m gonna apply to be
an ex-healthcare expert! And, I am gonna
work very hard to fit in tight with all these other brain-dead guys! Yahoo!
Easy money….. All show and no go!
I can see my very first no-go show:
Rude Buffy lady: “We
have Flatline Hutchison here with us in the studio to comment on this recent
terrible incident in Florida. Flat worked for 20 years in a major hospital
company in the Midwest and is now our
ex-expert and ‘go-to’ guy for all health breaking news…. Err, breaking news on
healthcare issues…. So, Flat, you’ve
seen this type of thing before. How in
the world does a surgeon cut off the wrong leg on a patient?”
Flat: Well, Buffy,
remember…this is Florida. It happens all the time here…….
Buffy: Right, Flat, I
seem to remember a couple of cases there a few years ago. Is it something about Florida?
Flat: The answer to
that is ‘Maybe YES and Maybe NO’! Now,
don’t quote me on this, Buff, but there are a lot of old people down there and
frankly, they might not even notice what leg got cut off! Plus, the sun has fried the brains of most
people down there and that includes the surgeons, so now you’ve compounded the
dang problem!
Buffy: So you’re
saying that there is something going on!
So what advice do you have for folks facing major surgery then, Flat?
Flat: My advice is,
‘Don’t have surgery in Florida’! But, if you do…., then I recommend, MARK YOUR
PARTS! Get a magic marker and flag the
part that needs to be cut on! I also
prefer writing specific instructions on your forehead so the surgeon has no
doubt as to what his ‘mission’ is……..
Finally, I recommend you check your surgeon for any previous
connections to Al-Qaeda! But I guess I
don’t have to elaborate on that, Buff!
Buffy: Mark Your
Parts! Great advice, Flat! Always a pleasure…. Take care and we’ll see you soon.
Sizemores, I bet they even give me my own show in a week or
two …. DEADLINE WITH
FLATLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Flat the ex-expert!
PS Sharon,
do you think they might hook me up with that Guardian Angel guy on a
show?? He is too cool…and I can get a
beret, too! As a matter of fact, I am
goin’ out to get one right now and sew a Flat Flag patch on it! Ask Ray if he wants one, too!
Near Death Experience
‘The True Riddle of the Tunnels’
Sharon,
The only reason I am going
to tell you this is that you are a nurse and you might have some insight on
it. You might want to talk to Freda
about it, too, for reasons you do not yet know.
My dog, Willa, did not have
much to offer on this one because she is too young, I think. (By the way, remind me to tell you about her
Animal Rights work after the death of Minniewaka. That was the name of that two legged dog I
wrote to you about! But get this, Sharon. That name is Indian for ‘Born With Five
Legs’! That means that dog lost three
legs in her life! (YEAH, that dog lost
as many legs as I was originally looking for in a franchise dog!) Now, I am
going out on a limb here, but that is damn near and I mean within a short hair,
of MYSTICAL! I am beating the streets
for the lowdown on that story! With her
piss-ant movie royalties, we may make some money on this deal yet!)
(See updates on the tragic
event at this website: 2LeggedDogsWhoDiedinMotorcycleDeathsonZornAvenueinLouisvilleKYonJuly182002@
924AM.com. Please be patient, as there
are 369 entries. If you have information
on any entry in this database, please contact your nearest PETA
representative! We CAN make a difference in a two legged dog’s
death!)
This
is just about the deepest, darkest, most personal thing in my whole life, so
don’t tell too many people about it!
(Take a deep breath,
Flatman!)
OK, here goes: You know how all those near death folks
they drag out on Network TV and say they traveled up a tunnel and moved toward
a light where they saw an old friend, or a relative, or and old friend and a
relative, or angels, or their dead pet ferret, Happy Pants? But then, old Happy said, “Squeak! Go Back,
Sammy, it is not your time!” ????
Now Sharon, I am not saying that those people are
lying, but I am not sure they had their ‘eyes open’, so to speak. Of course, they probably did not have their
eyes open because they ‘thought’ they were dead, or at least that’s what they
said (and if they did have them open, they might have really been dead)……… But, let’s not quibble, here is the real
deal:
You know I had major surgery
that ‘killed’ me in a way. (Did I tell
you that I heard they take your heart out and lay it on a table while they work
on you? I would really like to know how
far away my heart was from where it was supposed to be….. I want to write an article or a screenplay
about my heart’s “out-of-body-experience”!
Would my medical record tell me about where my heart was, or do I need
an eye witness?) (In the movie, I will
make sure they are playing Janis Joplin in the background…. “Take Another Little Piece of My Heart Now,
Doctor!” – but actually it will be the whole heart…we can work around
that! Or maybe we can use that song,
“Nothing but a Heartache!”? Or, even
better, maybe Tony Bennett would be in the movie walking around the OR and
singing a modified “I Left My Heart in San
Francisco”.
See, because I was in Louisville,
KY at the time. But in the movie, we could have them fly ‘my’
heart to San Francisco! Then, when they are ready, they could fly
‘my’ heart back. Then, Tony, could come
in and sing, “I thought I left my heart in San Francisco, But I was wrong, we brought it
back on the plane! When I wake up
tomorrow morning, I bet I’m gonna feel a lot of pain!”).
But, back to the story! Sharon,
I swear…… I got into that tunnel complex
those people all talk about! But there
was no bright light in my tunnel. There
was a dim blinking light at one end, but I was headed for the other end that
was like a dark black hole! I never saw
a soul. (I looked down and I couldn’t even see MY soul!) But, I did think I heard a cell phone in the
distance….. Anyway, nobody had to tell
me to go back. I knew it was “NOT MY
TIME!” I opened my eyes and saw
Freda. Maybe she saw where I was. Will you ask her! I don’t want her to think I am crazy! Thanks!
Now, I am thinkin’ that
there is more than one tunnel, depending on how ‘Near Death’ you really
get! But here is the question… How do you get into the ‘good’ tunnel, the
one where your people are, or Happy Pants is? And, do you really want to get
into that one, anyway? They might say, “Come
on in and have a seat!” And then you
wouldn’t be ‘near death’, anymore, you’d be AT DEATH!
This is what I call, “The
True Riddle of the Tunnels”.
Sincerely,
Flat Like a Two Legged Dog
on Zorn Avenue! (I can’t seem to get that dog off my mind!)
PS Sizemore, will the ‘crazy check’ folks
consider expenses for making a movie? We
got to look out for the best financial prospects!
(NOTE: ERASE THE PS!)
Replacement PS Dang!
I know where I saw that tunnel before!
Mammoth Cave!
(NOTE: Erase the word
Replacement in the previous line!)
PSS Sizemore, this is too good! I just got a call from a guy who says he took
my heart outside the hospital on the night I had surgery! Stay tuned!
I am going for the Guinness Book record for ‘Heart Out of Body Distance
Record’! Dang, Sharon, I got a real shot here! I am thinkin’ 8 figures for this story! Oh man, oh man! Tell Ray to start lookin’ for a bigger
RV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Real Poetry Critic
Dear Sharon,
I told you I was gonna’ send
this poem off to be checked by those ex-poetry expert guys! So here is the news!
_______________________
Dear Flat,
A pleasure as always,
friend! We sent your stuff to the best
and here is the official response. I’ll
let you know when it airs!
As always,
Buffy the Face!
CNNBC NEWS Ex-Poetry Analysis Spot:
Hush Puppy Redbone, Ex-Poet Laureate, State of Mississippi
University of Mississippi,
ex-Professor of Poetry
Doctoral Thesis:
Dog Poetry of the 2-Legged Sort:
How Can They Hunt?
A Tale of Two Two-Legged Dogs
1
Two-legged dog
Hopped like a frog
Jumped over a log
And got lost in the fog!
2
Two-legged dog
Hopped like a frog
Jumped over my sign
And got hit by a HOG!
-Tortilla Flat Hutchison (after Steinbeck by a few years) 7/2002
“This is probably the very
best of any and all the ‘two-legged dog’ poems ever written. It purports to be a tale (tail?) of two,
two-legged dogs, but in reality, I think there is only one two-legged dog. In fact, the two dogs, each of whom
purportedly had two legs, are actually one and the same one dog – one
two-legged dog - not two two-legged dogs at all! Ergo, the singular TALE (tail) and not
TALES.
It also brings to mind that
haunting famous film dog that was born with five legs and through a series of
horrendous accidents was left with only two legs. More’s the pity! I cannot recall its name and that poor dog
has probably gone to his DOG god (or dog GOD backwards) by now…… Palindromic perfection, I might add!
That being said, we may ask,
"Was the dog lost or not?" and, “How high might a two-legged dog
jump?” Yet, we have no clues as to the
‘foggy’ locale, or to the height of the log, or, in fact, the stature of the
dog. I do think the ‘frog’ allusion is a
bit weak for a poem of this scope… Yes,
a kangaroo would have been a better comparison for a two-legged animal of any
type, but why split fur hairs on such a magnificent dog poem?
And what could have been
written on that sign? IF DOGS COULD ONLY
READ! Alas, it remains a mystery that will haunt me for many a long night………
Despite all the vagueness
and murky illusion/allusion in this poem, the meaning of the last line is
perfectly clear and smashes into one’s awareness with all the force of the
machine that is truly a HOG, the Honda Goldwing!!! And, it is a clear demonstration of why
poetry goes straight to all people of good heart!” --------------- HPR
Well, That is what he said, Sharon. I knew, in my poetic soul, that I would be
vindicated one day! Thank all the Flat
fans out there who stuck with me……..
Sincerely,
Flat like an ex-two-legged
creature on a Zorn Avenue Lane!
PS I been re-readin’ that
commentary again, Sharon. Do you think that guy was sayin’ somethin’
bad about MY heart in that last line? If
he was then I will kick his ass! MY
heart is better than a lot of those guys they’re gonna’ send to Western Nebraska with me, I bet! I got four new Holland Tunnels on MY dang
heart (that’s an actual Flatline doctor quote!)! I got a dang GOOD heart!
By the way, that poetry
guy’s name is Hush Puppy. He likes dead
dog poems and dead dogs, and I bet he has hushed a few puppies in his
time! And, I bet HIS heart vessels are
narrow piss-ant deals like the places you have to crawl through in Mammoth Cave!
That danged hush puppy eatin’ fool!
How do you get to Mississippi
from here? I bet HE has never even seen
a good two-legged huntin’ dog!
PSS (NOTE: the sign I was
holding on my spot read “DOG GONE, I will work for small gOlD coins and Old diamond rings, if you might havE some, please!” But I think that dog read, ‘Go on to God’!
Dang! Dogs just read what they want to read, I
think! Plus, a high percentage of ‘em
are dyslexic, and, they don’t pay close attention anyway most of the time, so
we got the A.D.D. thing goin’ on, too!) Sharon, I swear, that
two-legged bitch (official AKA term, by the way) vectored into that HOG like
she was a stunt double in a 200 million dollar movie! So, really, what can you do with a dyslexic,
attention deficit dog who don’t care?
Plus, remember, I told you the franchise guy came up and scared her,
too? She was just, “DOG SOON GONE!” (We all see what we want to see!)
Near Death 2
Dear Sharon and Ray,
Well, my friends, I am
finally gonna' get the recognition that I deserve! I bet you never thought you would meet a
Guinness Book of Records’ holder in you lifetime did you? But, you’d be really wrong on that one!
Remember I told you about
that guy who wrote me about taking my heart out of the O.R.???? Well, that guy was the real deal and here is
proof!
____________________________
Testimony in the Case of Richard
Hutchison’s (aka Flatline’s) Heart
Record Sought: Heart Out of Body Distance Record (Quadruple
By-pass or Better-Urban Area-One Restaurant Plus)
Heard by the Guinness Book
Of Records Board & Staff 8/01/2002
Resolution and Distance
Verified Statement: Est. Due Date:
December 2002
Events of 5/29/2001 attested
to and transcribed herein and forthwith.
Statement of Perry ‘Skinny
Neck’ Jones
P’SN’J: I was goin’ to lunch in the middle of the
quad by-pass procedure and I saw Rick’s heart layin’ on the table where the Doc
put it while he was eatin’ lunch and doin’ the tie-in’s for the new heart
configuration. I wasn’t thinkin’ of a
world record or nothin’, but then I thought, what the hell, Rick would probably
say, ‘Go For It!” We used to talk in
the smoking area outside all the time and I knew him pretty good! Hell, he was flat-lined anyway! And besides, I planned to be back before they
knew that thing was missin’.
There was this cooler on the
floor that they had just brought a donated heart in….. I grabbed it and threw Rick’s heart in the
cooler and headed down to the McDonald’s on the corner……… When I placed my
order, they gave me a little ice to top off the cooler. They are really nice down there and that
chick behind the counter even knew Rick so I let her kind of look at the heart
you know and she asked if she could like touch it so I said ‘yes’……
Anyway, I estimate that
Rick’s heart was about 120 yards from the Operating Room. (You know, Rick was
gettin’ senior priced coffee at that joint before he left the Hospital and he
was only 53!)) …..
Then, as I was walkin’ out
of McDonalds, a guy I knew who worked for EMS,
named Pyro, honked at me as he was waitin’ on a light…. I asked him if I could hitch a ride down to
the liquor store to pick up some smokes.
He said ‘ok’ ‘cause he needed to
get some matches anyway and we took off…….
Then it hit me! I left the dang
cooler at Mickey D’s!!!!!!!!!! Man, I
freaked, but I got back there and the chick behind the counter told me they had
the cooler in Lost & Found! And she
also told me that it was OK. If I had
not come back she was gonna' take the cooler home and keep it in her
refrigerator overnight. That made me
feel a lot better, but I knew I had screwed up so I took real good care of that
thing for the rest of the trip, man. As
a matter of fact, Pyro wanted to keep his six pack of beer in the cooler and I
only let him put three beers in it cause I didn’t want to damage Rick’s heart,
man.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot
somethin’. When me and Pyro was in the
liquor store, Pyro told the guy we had a human heart in a cooler out in the
truck. The guy said, ‘No way,
dude!’ I offered to go get the cooler
and let the guy take a look so I went out to the truck to get it. When I got back inside, the clerk had a
camera, man, and he asked if he could take a picture of Rick’s heart. I had to say OK, ‘cause of the record thing,
you know. Anyway, I opened the cooler
and pushed the ice off the top of Rick’s heart.
Me and Pyro sort of posed on each side of the cooler with our arms
crossed behind it. I think that picture
might be on the bulletin board down at the liquor store. And, I’ll tell ya somthin’ else. I think that was the first heart outside of a
body that they ever had in that store!
And the fact that Rick was an ex-smoker made it really like special,
man!
Now the liquor store was
about 500 yards north of the hospital.
Then, I swear, we went right
back to the hospital and when I got back in the OR, the Doc was still diggin’
and fishin’ around in Rick’s leg, so I sat the cooler down and opened the
cooler to get Rick’s heart out. Then I
discovered that Pyro had forgotten his beer!
Well, I put Rick’s heart back on the table, and woke the Anesthesia Doc
up. He and I had a couple of Pyro’s beers before we had to start on the
operation again.
So, anyhow, dependin’ on how
you want to figure the distance, either furthest point from the OR, or, total
distance heart moved from OR and back, I think you got a record here either
way. And, I tell you, it couldn’t have
happened to a nicer guy than Rick!
That McDonalds chick and
Pyro will back me up on this stuff, too, so let me know when you want to see
‘em!
_____________________________
Sizemores, you know I am not
the suspicious type, but there might be a little problem with the record,
guys……. I’m thinkin’ that Skinny Neck
and Pyro might try to grab the record for themselves. You see, they might try to claim that they
get the record ‘cause I was not even aware of what was going on! They might even try to cut that McDonalds
waitress in on the deal!
But ole’ Flat wasn’t born
yesterday…. If they try anything funny
then I am gonna' claim that while my heart was moving’ around town, I was
havin’ a regular ‘OOBE’ (out of body experience) and was lookin’ at everything
they were doing from ‘up above’. Even
though I was actually in that dark tunnel at the time, I am gonna' just say
that I saw everything they did! And,
guess what? I think they are dumb enough
to believe it! HAH!
Sincerely,
Rick
Flatlined by Major Surgery
5/29/2001 but fortunate enough to have had OOBE most of the night!
PS Sharon, you have worked in healthcare for a
long time. If my OOBE tactic fails, do
you think we could sue McDonalds for a couple of hundred bucks? I never gave that waitress permission in
writing to touch my heart (I don’t think!).
Or maybe we could get like 50 Egg McMuffin coupons?
PSS I just wish that
Anesthesia Doc was awake when Skinny Neck got back, ‘cause he would have seen
him carryin’ the cooler back into the OR.
Dang, that guy could’ve helped verify the record!
PSSS Is Ripley’s Believe It
Or Not!, the same company as Guinness?
PSSSS I went down and looked
at the route again this mornin’, Sharon and Ray, and I think that liquor store
(by the way, that is where I got the two-legged dog!) is closer to 600 yards
north of the hospital. I am gonna’ ask
Guinness to get a satellite GPS measurement on that thing!
P5xS What do you think? Do we have a movie here? I’m thinkin’ I could be a retired baseball
player in the movie……. I volunteered at
the hospital, so everybody knew the guy….
We could have scenes of ole’ Flat mouthing the words to the Pledge of
Allegiance and the Star spangled banner…. in the future, so we can use all the
new stuff I sent ya! We could open the
movie with a shot of my grand-daughter (on the day of my heart attack) at the
school bus stop, poppin’ off a few sparrows for America! Too powerful….. and it hearkens to the opening scene of my
all time favorite movie, Forrest Gump (except, there won’t be just one feather,
there will be thousands!)
3:25:37 PM 
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