Monday, November 07, 2005

Pink Eye and Now Goodbye in a Blink! Adios mi amigos!   Goodbye my dear friends! 9:28:32 PM    Just say it!  []

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Pink Eye I got a case of Pink Eye at the age of 58!  I had never had it.  The doctor put some dye in my eyes today and I got to see the world through my amber-colored lenses.  It wasn't rose colored, but I liked it a lot......... 6:35:01 PM    Just say it!  []

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Birds, Plots and A Strange Dog Story More Bird Shit Dear Sharon, You see that article about the Zoo folks vaccinatin’ birds for that West Nile virus? Fools ………..   Them birds ain’t gonna fly into the Department of Health Clinic to get a dang shot! Just build a dang glass bubble over all the zoos if you want to have some birds for people to see!   Sincerely, Flatline  If you never heard of the FBI Carnivore program, go read about it now on the internet. ________________________________________________________________  I Hope We Don’t Get Caught! (A plot to discredit our Egyptian Allies and Muslim friends.) TOP SECRET (This is dang serious business!) Sharon and Ray, We might be in some serious trouble now!  I wish I had never heard of the West Nile virus thing, I can tell you that!  I should never have written those dang letters to you either……..  I know you’re thinkin’ that Flat sounds like he is havin’ a panic attack!  And you would be, DANG RIGHT!  Let me tell you what happened………. Sizemores, you all know that I have always been a patriot to the bone!  Dang!  I am a decorated Vietnam veteran!  I even got a letter from President Nixon thanking me for my faithful service or somethin’.    But anyway, after I wrote you guys that first letter on the West Nile thing, I got a dictionary and tried to find out how to spell that bug’s name!  I checked moskeeter and maskeeters and mostskeeters and moss-skeeters and skinny legged bugs….  Finally I gave up and called a guy in the science department at the U of L.  He said, “Flat, that’s a dang French word, you dumb-ass!”  I hung up and checked mosquitoes!  There you go!  But this is the weird part, guys….  I’m not sure if it is Brain Dead Related (BDR) or Post Vietnam Stress Related Flashback Disorder Trauma (PVSRFDT), but I keep seeing Mosque Toes when I read that word!  Brain dead people process stuff at the slower (they slow down subliminal messages to meet their BPR (Brain Processing Rate) i.e., subliminal rate ( most people say higher speed but not true)  so I see Moquitoes = Mosque Toes= makes me think mosque=muslim thinks muslim is equal to bugs who are trying to kill us!  Just like that anthrax deal……  I see Thanx Ra …. Which reminds me of the Egyptian god Ra and Egyptian people thankin’ him for a cow disease! Now I got to really thinkin’ for a change……    I said, “Flat, what do you KNOW, and Flat, what do you SUSPECT?”  Well, I know the government don’t think too well of Arabs and muslims right now and they got us all spooked about it in a big way!  Is that why McDonalds put that pork sandwich on their menu (just before the 9/11 anniversary)?  Yes!  They hope no muslims will come in their restaurants!  So if a big company like Mickey Ds is jumpin’ through hoops, then what about us little guys?  I’m thinkin’ that we may have all fallen for some tall tales!  We might just be thinkin’ that all our muslim brothers and sisters are a part of this deal when they’re not (especially Egyptians)!  The word MOSQUITOES is all over the news these days and so is ANTHRAX…….  So, I said, “Flat, could the government be puttin’ subliminal messages on the TV every time we see one of these news stories??????   Could all Americans be seein’ what I see?  Well, Sizemores, don’t go on the internet and type in Mosque Toes or Thanx Ra!   If you do, I think the FBI Carnivore guys are goin’ to eat us all for lunch!  I’m getting’ a plane ticket to (I wish I could tell you but you guys might already be CARNIVORED!), and I am gone tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Because…….. I BELIEVE THERE IS A GOVERNMENT PLOT TO SCARE US INTO BELIEVIN’ THAT EVERYTHING BAD IN THIS COUNTRY IS DUE TO RADICAL ISLAMICS! EVEN LITTLE BUGS! By the way, I heard that Enron guy is gonna’ tell the press next week that his defense is he went to meet Osama Bin Laden back in 1994, and Osama held a gun to his head and told him to concoct them bad oil deals or he was gonna blow his brains out!  And the WorldCom guys are gonna’ say that the US war in Afghanistan caused Osama and his gang to stop using their cell phones, so they had to ‘cook their books’!  Sizemores, this country has gone to hell in a hand basket!  Nobody is responsible for nothin’!  We got so many fingers pointin’ at everybody else, we can’t figure out what the heck is goin’ on! But anyway, I only got one choice since the government is goin’ to come lookin’ for me, Sharon…..  I am gonna’ march in the streets!  I am goin’ to picket every McDonalds in the USA with my sign….    MOSQUE TOES IS NOT THE ENEMY!!!!!! GIVE THANX TO RA! SHALOM! Will Work For Small Gold Coins or Old Diamonds! Pork is unfriendly to Muslims! Let’s all move to Western Nebraska! (Buying Two-Legged Dogs!) Sizemores, I am goin’ for world peace, I think……  then we won’t have to worry about the Statue of Liberty, anymore….  Or the FBI Carnivore guys and gals…… I just hope it ain’t too dang late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Good luck…….. Sincerely, Flatline on the Flight line TOP SECRET (This is dang serious business!) PS  Will write when I can……..   (NOTE:  Erase this PS, but if the Carnivores got us then it don’t matter anyway!)   Is My Dog Crazy? Sharon and Ray, My dog told me a story today, and I am not sure I believe it…. Don’t tell me…  You’re thinkin’, “Why wouldn’t Flat believe his own dang dog?”  Because this is not your usual run-of-the-mill dog story, that’s why! Anyway, do you know anything about that guy in NY who killed a bunch of people a ways back?  Son of Sam guy or somethin’?  Said he had a dog or lived near a dog who told him to shoot people?  Well, that guy was convicted of killin’ those guys because he was crazy!  And he is in jail right now! But get this….  My dog Willa (I call her Louie) told me that her GGGGG grand-dad or somethin’ knew that Sam dog back in NY!  She says her PawpawPawpaw (I guess that is a fairly common name for GrandPaw dogs, unless your PawpawPawpaw only has 2 legs.  Then you would just be Pawpaw, I guess….) said that that Sam dog was a real nut……. He was always seein’ cats and rats and shit when there were no cats or nothin’ and stuff like that!  One time old Sam told her GrandPaw to go down to the corner and kill the ducks that hung around there every day.  Her Pawpaw went there, but there were no ducks. (Well, that’s because there ain’t no ducks in Brooklyn.  I think the Chinese people in Brooklyn ate all them Peking Ducks years ago!) But, here is where the story gets weird, Sharon.  Pawpaw says Sam talked a human neighbor, named Dave, into buyin’ a gun!  Old Pawpaw actually heard Sam talkin’ to him day after day.  Sam was sayin’ stuff like, “David, you need to get you a snub nosed .38!  David, you need a bulldog .38!  When ya gonna get that .38, Dave?  You got to protect yourself from all those long dark haired girls and the guys who kiss em, Dave!  Pawpaw always thought that Sam talked this guy into some crazy stuff!  And, then the news about the killings started…… So here is the question, Sharon!  I think they got the wrong dang guy in jail!  They should have ‘collared’ the dog!  (Get it?)  That Dave guy was tellin’ the truth!  And that Sam dog reminds me of Charlie Manson! Sincerely, Flatlined but not flattened! PS But I am glad they got that Dave guy too!  What a dumbass! PSS You can learn some stuff from dogs if you learn to listen!  But you got to make sure you check their stories……. 6:30:14 PM    Just say it!  []

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Sunday, November 06, 2005

Near Death But Not Down 24 Hour News Stations Ray and Sharon, I finally got a SERIOU$ idea for employment.  I mean BIG MONEY!!!!!!  You ever watch any of those 24 Hour news stations on the TV?  I have watched them a lot since all the trouble last September 11th, and I have a question.  Where in the heck do they dig up all these ex-people to do ‘expert’ commentary on the news at hand?  Ex-Generals, ex-Counter Terrorism experts, ex-Federal Prosecutors, ex-Judges, ex-Cons, ex-FBI Profilers, ex-Green Beret guys, ex-Navy Seals, ex-Hookers, ex-CEOs, ex-Politicians, ex-Hostage Negotiators, etc., etc., etc., and ad infinitum, and ad nauseum!  (EXAMPLE: I sent the following poem to one of those stations and they dug up an ex-Ivy League Poetry Professor to analyze the dang thing!  Check this out! Lightning Bug Poem When I was young, I knew a girl Who was good at heightening Pugs! They ran real fast, but they never had A chance to catch Lightning Bugs! My dear old Mom, spent her days At a plant just whitening rugs, But she still had time on a summer’s eve, To teach me ‘bout Lightning Bugs! Now I finish my work, down at the shop, Each June, I’m tightening lugs! Then I head on home, grab me a beer, And wait on the Lightning Bugs! I’ve heard folks say year after year, That they have such frightening mugs! But all I know is that kids chase em, And they love those Lightning Bugs! You can make a ring, you can make anything When you got a Lightning Bug. But ya can’t make squat ‘cause you ain’t got naught If ya never seen a Lightning Bug! Ex-Poetry Guy’s comments: “The ephemeral quality of this precious insect is lost in this forced poetic attempt!  Obviously the ‘so-called’ poet is an amateur and is not aware that Firefly is the proper term for this most delightful and enchanting of wing-ed (pronounced like 2 words….I swear to God that is the way he said it, Sharon!) creatures.  Moreover, Firefly offers more opportunities for rhymes as well!  Dismal, yes most dismal, at best!” That guy was a dang fool, Sharon!  First of all, he is not even aware that this poem holds the record for rhymes with Lightning Bugs.  Plus, I have written other poems, too!  As a matter of fact, I am gonna send my ‘Two Legged Dog Poem’ to those guys and see what they say about that one!   (I might even make this one into a country song and that guy is goin’ to have to live with the fact that my new mansion, replete with Black Velvet Elvis paintings, was paid for by a DISMAL dang Lightning Bug poem that he was too dang stupid to recognize as a pretty good rhyme!) Sharon, about this time, you are probably askin’ yourself, “Where is Flat goin’ with this?” Well, I’m thinkin’, if all these guys are ex-experts, then why are they ex?  If they’re so smart, why aren’t they working’ in their ‘field’ rather than chewin’ the fat with a bunch of rude danged news readers? But get this, Sharon!  I really am an ex-, so I’m gonna apply to be an ex-healthcare expert!  And, I am gonna work very hard to fit in tight with all these other brain-dead guys!  Yahoo!  Easy money…..  All show and no go! I can see my very first no-go show: Rude Buffy lady:  “We have Flatline Hutchison here with us in the studio to comment on this recent terrible incident in Florida.  Flat worked for 20 years in a major hospital company in the Midwest and is now our ex-expert and ‘go-to’ guy for all health breaking news…. Err, breaking news on healthcare issues….  So, Flat, you’ve seen this type of thing before.  How in the world does a surgeon cut off the wrong leg on a patient?”  Flat:  Well, Buffy, remember…this is Florida.  It happens all the time here……. Buffy:  Right, Flat, I seem to remember a couple of cases there a few years ago.  Is it something about Florida? Flat:  The answer to that is ‘Maybe YES and Maybe NO’!  Now, don’t quote me on this, Buff, but there are a lot of old people down there and frankly, they might not even notice what leg got cut off!  Plus, the sun has fried the brains of most people down there and that includes the surgeons, so now you’ve compounded the dang problem! Buffy:  So you’re saying that there is something going on!  So what advice do you have for folks facing major surgery then, Flat? Flat:  My advice is, ‘Don’t have surgery in Florida’!  But, if you do…., then I recommend, MARK YOUR PARTS!  Get a magic marker and flag the part that needs to be cut on!   I also prefer writing specific instructions on your forehead so the surgeon has no doubt as to what his ‘mission’ is…….. Finally, I recommend you check your surgeon for any previous connections to Al-Qaeda!  But I guess I don’t have to elaborate on that, Buff! Buffy:  Mark Your Parts!  Great advice, Flat!  Always a pleasure….  Take care and we’ll see you soon.  Sizemores, I bet they even give me my own show in a week or two ….  DEADLINE WITH FLATLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sincerely, Flat the ex-expert! PS Sharon, do you think they might hook me up with that Guardian Angel guy on a show??  He is too cool…and I can get a beret, too!  As a matter of fact, I am goin’ out to get one right now and sew a Flat Flag patch on it!  Ask Ray if he wants one, too!  Near Death Experience ‘The True Riddle of the Tunnels’ Sharon, The only reason I am going to tell you this is that you are a nurse and you might have some insight on it.  You might want to talk to Freda about it, too, for reasons you do not yet know. My dog, Willa, did not have much to offer on this one because she is too young, I think.  (By the way, remind me to tell you about her Animal Rights work after the death of Minniewaka.  That was the name of that two legged dog I wrote to you about!  But get this, Sharon.  That name is Indian for ‘Born With Five Legs’!  That means that dog lost three legs in her life!  (YEAH, that dog lost as many legs as I was originally looking for in a franchise dog!) Now, I am going out on a limb here, but that is damn near and I mean within a short hair, of MYSTICAL!   I am beating the streets for the lowdown on that story!  With her piss-ant movie royalties, we may make some money on this deal yet!) (See updates on the tragic event at this website: 2LeggedDogsWhoDiedinMotorcycleDeathsonZornAvenueinLouisvilleKYonJuly182002@ 924AM.com.   Please be patient, as there are 369 entries.  If you have information on any entry in this database, please contact your nearest PETA representative!  We CAN  make a difference in a two legged dog’s death!) This is just about the deepest, darkest, most personal thing in my whole life, so don’t tell too many people about it! (Take a deep breath, Flatman!) OK, here goes:    You know how all those near death folks they drag out on Network TV and say they traveled up a tunnel and moved toward a light where they saw an old friend, or a relative, or and old friend and a relative, or angels, or their dead pet ferret, Happy Pants?  But then, old Happy said, “Squeak! Go Back, Sammy, it is not your time!” ???? Now Sharon, I am not saying that those people are lying, but I am not sure they had their ‘eyes open’, so to speak.  Of course, they probably did not have their eyes open because they ‘thought’ they were dead, or at least that’s what they said (and if they did have them open, they might have really been dead)………  But, let’s not quibble, here is the real deal: You know I had major surgery that ‘killed’ me in a way.  (Did I tell you that I heard they take your heart out and lay it on a table while they work on you?  I would really like to know how far away my heart was from where it was supposed to be…..  I want to write an article or a screenplay about my heart’s “out-of-body-experience”!  Would my medical record tell me about where my heart was, or do I need an eye witness?)  (In the movie, I will make sure they are playing Janis Joplin in the background….  “Take Another Little Piece of My Heart Now, Doctor!” – but actually it will be the whole heart…we can work around that!  Or maybe we can use that song, “Nothing but a Heartache!”?  Or, even better, maybe Tony Bennett would be in the movie walking around the OR and singing a modified “I Left My Heart in San Francisco”.  See, because I was in Louisville, KY at the time.  But in the movie, we could have them fly ‘my’ heart to San Francisco!  Then, when they are ready, they could fly ‘my’ heart back.  Then, Tony, could come in and sing, “I thought I left my heart in San Francisco, But I was wrong, we brought it back on the plane!  When I wake up tomorrow morning, I bet I’m gonna feel a lot of pain!”). But, back to the story!  Sharon, I swear……  I got into that tunnel complex those people all talk about!  But there was no bright light in my tunnel.  There was a dim blinking light at one end, but I was headed for the other end that was like a dark black hole!  I never saw a soul. (I looked down and I couldn’t even see MY soul!)  But, I did think I heard a cell phone in the distance…..   Anyway, nobody had to tell me to go back.  I knew it was “NOT MY TIME!”  I opened my eyes and saw Freda.  Maybe she saw where I was.  Will you ask her!  I don’t want her to think I am crazy!  Thanks! Now, I am thinkin’ that there is more than one tunnel, depending on how ‘Near Death’ you really get!    But here is the question…  How do you get into the ‘good’ tunnel, the one where your people are, or Happy Pants is? And, do you really want to get into that one, anyway?  They might say, “Come on in and have a seat!”  And then you wouldn’t be ‘near death’, anymore, you’d be AT DEATH! This is what I call, “The True Riddle of the Tunnels”. Sincerely, Flat Like a Two Legged Dog on Zorn Avenue!  (I can’t seem to get that dog off my mind!) PS   Sizemore, will the ‘crazy check’ folks consider expenses for making a movie?  We got to look out for the best financial prospects!  (NOTE:  ERASE THE PS!) Replacement PS   Dang!  I know where I saw that tunnel before!  Mammoth Cave! (NOTE: Erase the word Replacement in the previous line!) PSS   Sizemore, this is too good!  I just got a call from a guy who says he took my heart outside the hospital on the night I had surgery!  Stay tuned!  I am going for the Guinness Book record for ‘Heart Out of Body Distance Record’!  Dang, Sharon, I got a real shot here!   I am thinkin’ 8 figures for this story!   Oh man, oh man!  Tell Ray to start lookin’ for a bigger RV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Real Poetry Critic  Dear Sharon, I told you I was gonna’ send this poem off to be checked by those ex-poetry expert guys!  So here is the news! _______________________ Dear Flat, A pleasure as always, friend!  We sent your stuff to the best and here is the official response.  I’ll let you know when it airs! As always, Buffy the Face!   CNNBC NEWS Ex-Poetry Analysis Spot: Hush Puppy Redbone, Ex-Poet Laureate, State of Mississippi University of Mississippi, ex-Professor of Poetry Doctoral Thesis:  Dog Poetry of the 2-Legged Sort: How Can They Hunt? A Tale of Two Two-Legged Dogs   1 Two-legged dog Hopped like a frog Jumped over a log And got lost in the fog! 2 Two-legged dog Hopped like a frog Jumped over my sign And got hit by a HOG!   -Tortilla Flat Hutchison  (after Steinbeck by a few years) 7/2002   “This is probably the very best of any and all the ‘two-legged dog’ poems ever written.  It purports to be a tale (tail?) of two, two-legged dogs, but in reality, I think there is only one two-legged dog.  In fact, the two dogs, each of whom purportedly had two legs, are actually one and the same one dog – one two-legged dog - not two two-legged dogs at all!   Ergo, the singular TALE (tail) and not TALES.  It also brings to mind that haunting famous film dog that was born with five legs and through a series of horrendous accidents was left with only two legs.  More’s the pity!  I cannot recall its name and that poor dog has probably gone to his DOG god (or dog GOD backwards) by now……  Palindromic perfection, I might add! That being said, we may ask, "Was the dog lost or not?" and, “How high might a two-legged dog jump?”  Yet, we have no clues as to the ‘foggy’ locale, or to the height of the log, or, in fact, the stature of the dog.  I do think the ‘frog’ allusion is a bit weak for a poem of this scope…  Yes, a kangaroo would have been a better comparison for a two-legged animal of any type, but why split fur hairs on such a magnificent dog poem?  And what could have been written on that sign?  IF DOGS COULD ONLY READ! Alas, it remains a mystery that will haunt me for many a long night……… Despite all the vagueness and murky illusion/allusion in this poem, the meaning of the last line is perfectly clear and smashes into one’s awareness with all the force of the machine that is truly a HOG, the Honda Goldwing!!!  And, it is a clear demonstration of why poetry goes straight to all people of good heart!” --------------- HPR Well, That is what he said, Sharon.  I knew, in my poetic soul, that I would be vindicated one day!  Thank all the Flat fans out there who stuck with me…….. Sincerely, Flat like an ex-two-legged creature on a Zorn Avenue Lane! PS I been re-readin’ that commentary again, Sharon.  Do you think that guy was sayin’ somethin’ bad about MY heart in that last line?  If he was then I will kick his ass!  MY heart is better than a lot of those guys they’re gonna’ send to Western Nebraska with me, I bet!  I got four new Holland Tunnels on MY dang heart (that’s an actual Flatline doctor quote!)!  I got a dang GOOD heart! By the way, that poetry guy’s name is Hush Puppy.  He likes dead dog poems and dead dogs, and I bet he has hushed a few puppies in his time!  And, I bet HIS heart vessels are narrow piss-ant deals like the places you have to crawl through in Mammoth Cave!  That danged hush puppy eatin’ fool!  How do you get to Mississippi from here?  I bet HE has never even seen a good two-legged huntin’ dog! PSS (NOTE: the sign I was holding on my spot read “DOG GONE, I will work for small gOlD coins and Old diamond rings, if you might havE some, please!”  But I think that dog read, ‘Go on to God’!  Dang!  Dogs just read what they want to read, I think!  Plus, a high percentage of ‘em are dyslexic, and, they don’t pay close attention anyway most of the time, so we got the A.D.D. thing goin’ on, too!)  Sharon, I swear, that two-legged bitch (official AKA term, by the way) vectored into that HOG like she was a stunt double in a 200 million dollar movie!  So, really, what can you do with a dyslexic, attention deficit dog who don’t care?  Plus, remember, I told you the franchise guy came up and scared her, too?  She was just, “DOG SOON GONE!” (We all see what we want to see!)  Near Death 2 Dear Sharon and Ray, Well, my friends, I am finally gonna' get the recognition that I deserve!   I bet you never thought you would meet a Guinness Book of Records’ holder in you lifetime did you?  But, you’d be really wrong on that one! Remember I told you about that guy who wrote me about taking my heart out of the O.R.????   Well, that guy was the real deal and here is proof! ____________________________ Testimony in the Case of Richard Hutchison’s (aka Flatline’s) Heart Record Sought:  Heart Out of Body Distance Record (Quadruple By-pass or Better-Urban Area-One Restaurant Plus) Heard by the Guinness Book Of Records Board & Staff  8/01/2002 Resolution and Distance Verified Statement:  Est. Due Date: December 2002 Events of 5/29/2001 attested to and transcribed herein and forthwith. Statement of Perry ‘Skinny Neck’ Jones P’SN’J:  I was goin’ to lunch in the middle of the quad by-pass procedure and I saw Rick’s heart layin’ on the table where the Doc put it while he was eatin’ lunch and doin’ the tie-in’s for the new heart configuration.  I wasn’t thinkin’ of a world record or nothin’, but then I thought, what the hell, Rick would probably say, ‘Go For It!”    We used to talk in the smoking area outside all the time and I knew him pretty good!  Hell, he was flat-lined anyway!  And besides, I planned to be back before they knew that thing was missin’. There was this cooler on the floor that they had just brought a donated heart in…..   I grabbed it and threw Rick’s heart in the cooler and headed down to the McDonald’s on the corner……… When I placed my order, they gave me a little ice to top off the cooler.  They are really nice down there and that chick behind the counter even knew Rick so I let her kind of look at the heart you know and she asked if she could like touch it so I said ‘yes’…… Anyway, I estimate that Rick’s heart was about 120 yards from the Operating Room. (You know, Rick was gettin’ senior priced coffee at that joint before he left the Hospital and he was only 53!)) ….. Then, as I was walkin’ out of McDonalds, a guy I knew who worked for EMS, named Pyro, honked at me as he was waitin’ on a light….  I asked him if I could hitch a ride down to the liquor store to pick up some smokes.  He said ‘ok’  ‘cause he needed to get some matches anyway and we took off…….  Then it hit me!  I left the dang cooler at Mickey D’s!!!!!!!!!!  Man, I freaked, but I got back there and the chick behind the counter told me they had the cooler in Lost & Found!  And she also told me that it was OK.    If I had not come back she was gonna' take the cooler home and keep it in her refrigerator overnight.  That made me feel a lot better, but I knew I had screwed up so I took real good care of that thing for the rest of the trip, man.  As a matter of fact, Pyro wanted to keep his six pack of beer in the cooler and I only let him put three beers in it cause I didn’t want to damage Rick’s heart, man.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot somethin’.  When me and Pyro was in the liquor store, Pyro told the guy we had a human heart in a cooler out in the truck.  The guy said, ‘No way, dude!’  I offered to go get the cooler and let the guy take a look so I went out to the truck to get it.  When I got back inside, the clerk had a camera, man, and he asked if he could take a picture of Rick’s heart.  I had to say OK, ‘cause of the record thing, you know.  Anyway, I opened the cooler and pushed the ice off the top of Rick’s heart.  Me and Pyro sort of posed on each side of the cooler with our arms crossed behind it.  I think that picture might be on the bulletin board down at the liquor store.  And, I’ll tell ya somthin’ else.  I think that was the first heart outside of a body that they ever had in that store!  And the fact that Rick was an ex-smoker made it really like special, man! Now the liquor store was about 500 yards north of the hospital. Then, I swear, we went right back to the hospital and when I got back in the OR, the Doc was still diggin’ and fishin’ around in Rick’s leg, so I sat the cooler down and opened the cooler to get Rick’s heart out.  Then I discovered that Pyro had forgotten his beer!  Well, I put Rick’s heart back on the table, and woke the Anesthesia Doc up. He and I had a couple of Pyro’s beers before we had to start on the operation again. So, anyhow, dependin’ on how you want to figure the distance, either furthest point from the OR, or, total distance heart moved from OR and back, I think you got a record here either way.  And, I tell you, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy than Rick!  That McDonalds chick and Pyro will back me up on this stuff, too, so let me know when you want to see ‘em! _____________________________  Sizemores, you know I am not the suspicious type, but there might be a little problem with the record, guys…….   I’m thinkin’ that Skinny Neck and Pyro might try to grab the record for themselves.  You see, they might try to claim that they get the record ‘cause I was not even aware of what was going on!  They might even try to cut that McDonalds waitress in on the deal! But ole’ Flat wasn’t born yesterday….  If they try anything funny then I am gonna' claim that while my heart was moving’ around town, I was havin’ a regular ‘OOBE’ (out of body experience) and was lookin’ at everything they were doing from ‘up above’.  Even though I was actually in that dark tunnel at the time, I am gonna' just say that I saw everything they did!  And, guess what?  I think they are dumb enough to believe it!  HAH! Sincerely, Rick Flatlined by Major Surgery 5/29/2001 but fortunate enough to have had OOBE most of the night! PS Sharon, you have worked in healthcare for a long time.  If my OOBE tactic fails, do you think we could sue McDonalds for a couple of hundred bucks?  I never gave that waitress permission in writing to touch my heart (I don’t think!).  Or maybe we could get like 50 Egg McMuffin coupons? PSS I just wish that Anesthesia Doc was awake when Skinny Neck got back, ‘cause he would have seen him carryin’ the cooler back into the OR.  Dang, that guy could’ve helped verify the record! PSSS Is Ripley’s Believe It Or Not!, the same company as Guinness? PSSSS I went down and looked at the route again this mornin’, Sharon and Ray, and I think that liquor store (by the way, that is where I got the two-legged dog!) is closer to 600 yards north of the hospital.   I am gonna’ ask Guinness to get a satellite GPS measurement on that thing! P5xS What do you think?  Do we have a movie here?  I’m thinkin’ I could be a retired baseball player in the movie…….  I volunteered at the hospital, so everybody knew the guy….   We could have scenes of ole’ Flat mouthing the words to the Pledge of Allegiance and the Star spangled banner…. in the future, so we can use all the new stuff I sent ya!  We could open the movie with a shot of my grand-daughter (on the day of my heart attack) at the school bus stop, poppin’ off a few sparrows for America!  Too powerful…..  and it hearkens to the opening scene of my all time favorite movie, Forrest Gump (except, there won’t be just one feather, there will be thousands!) 3:25:37 PM    Just say it!  []

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Saturday, November 05, 2005

The Four F's and West Nile Virus (The Old Bird Flu!) I guess I lost the e-mail I sent to Sharon on why I  thought that a good money deal would be writin’ a cook book…………  Everybody Loves Home Cookin’ Sizemore, After I get the money off my cookbook, I am going to get a cookin’ show on cable TV.... After I get famous from that I am going to get my own news show called:       "Flatline on the Frontline(s)" I hope I can get a show in Mississippi or Texas or Georgia or Arkansas, cause I want to use the 'sign-off' phrase (looking directly into the camera and speaking slowly):  "And for all you hunters out there, remember:  "It's always open season on Al-Qaeda!" I think I would get higher ratings less flack from viewers down there.......   Sincerely, The Future Famous Frontline Flat (The Four FFFF's)=Five F's PS  Ray and Sharon:  Just for the record, this is not the old four F joke that guys said about their draft status that got em out of the war and somehow included girls: "I'm 4F -- Find 'em, Feed 'em, Fuck 'em, Forget 'em.... This is the Five F signoff....... the Four FFFF's! PSS  By the way, I never found anybody who I fed, fucked, and forgot....  I don't think!  PSSS   But there was that one Formosan female with fifty feathers in her boa!  And I did feed her!  Or somethin' ..... PSSSS  HAPPY NEW YEAR! __________________ Dear Sharon, You’re in the medical field.  Why the hell does the media in this country rile the public up every time a little epidemic breaks out?  Dang!  They never just help figure out what to do and then look at the bright side of things  …….  It makes me crazy! Now, I know what you’re thinkin’, Sharon…….  Has ole Flat got a solution to this one?  YOU BET I DO AND IT DIDN’T TAKE ME BUT 4 MINUTES TO THINK OF IT! All we got to do is kill all the birds in the country!  They carry the disease and the skeeters that bite people get it from the birds, right?  So kill all the birds is what I say.  Hold on a second, S.  I know you are wonderin’ just how a few folks like you and I are gonna’ kill all the birds in the USA………….  The answer is….WE’RE NOT! I think the government ought to issue pump shotguns to every citizen in the US!  Kids, too!  Then they need to tell every citizen to kill 10 birds a day!  Think of it a second…..  Kids could knock off their quota while they wait on the school bus every mornin’!  (NOTE: This was tried with great success in China with houseflies.  Mao told everybody to get 10 a day or somethin’!  There were only 2 left when the swattin’ stopped, I heard. And, I think we are as good at killin’ things as China, for dang’s sake!) Plus, Sharon, with a ‘Flat’ good idea, you always get the important secondary benefits. For example: 1)      People won’t have to pay for bird seed anymore; 2)      There won’t be pigeon shit all over our national monuments; 3)      We will clear our endangered bird species list (‘cause they will all be dead); 4)      The gun sellers will have massive new markets (including designer shotguns and ‘wee’ pumps for kids); 5)      Bird radar developers will get a lot of free advertising; 6)      The Great American Bird Safari will be a ‘hot’ vacation activity; 7)      We’ll have one hell of a lot of trained marksmen to fight the ‘evil ones’ if they are stupid enough to show up here!  Now, we’re gonna’ have to make a few sacrifices to get these maximum benefits, Sharon. We’ll have to have places at every school for the kids to check their ‘pumps’.  We’re gonna’ take some flack, too, from anybody who uses feathers for anything (like Native Americans, pillow makers, quill makers, boa makers, feather jewelry makers, etc.), and those environmental types that would rather see dead humans than dead birds!  But what the heck, if people want to see birds, they can go to Canada or Mexico.  It’s not that far! And trust me on this, Sharon and Ray, common sense always prevails in the good old USA!   Forget PUMPIN’ IRON!  “PUMP ROUNDS FOR YOUR HEALTH!”. Guys, I am gonna’ try to get a government grant on this idea to see if I can estimate how long it will take to get rid of the virus in the US.   My thesis is: No birds, no virus!  Sweetest of the sweet! I hope I can rely on your help as always. Sincerely, Flatline on the Firing Line! PS Hey, that sounds like a good name for a TV show! PSS Does that Nile title make you suspicious of any little thing you can think of, Sharon? (CLUE:  River in a country where some people who do not like Americans could find some water to grow skeeters or lightning bugs in???????) PSSS Ask Ray if he wants to open a gun store with me.  I am thinkin’ we could specialize in ‘Pumps for Tots!’ – Guns for Kindergarteners.   Day-glo sawed-offs and matching ammo pouches.  We’ll make a dang fortune!  Watch the Birdie, kids!  PUMPS-R-US.  And video training games…… for Nintendo! PSSS I am using the word skeeter ‘cause I don’t know how to spell the long word for those bugs that suck the blood out of you in the summertime.  Flatlinin’ will do that to ya! PSSSS Now don’t tell anybody, Sharon, but I have got a guy in Hollywood interested in doing a remake of Hitchcock’s, The Birds! Yahoo!  We’re in for some real American type fun!  Good livin’ and good movies! 3:35:59 PM    Just say it!  []

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Flatline's Flag 3:18:32 PM    Just say it!  []

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A Better Pledge of Allegiance Sharon responded to my pledge letter by pointing out that I should pursue my ‘flag’ line of thinkin’. Pledge 2 Dear Sharon, You are a simple stone cold genius! You are the only person I have ever known who does not only lead a horse to water, but if it doesn’t drink, you kick it’s ass into the water cause you know that at least some water will probably get in it’s mouth or lungs! The last kick in the ass for me was that pledge comment you made……. Well I have an even better idea than what I sent you before. Do you know that there are over thirty different flags that the United States has had or used since the Revolutionary War?????? Not only will we change the ‘one Nation, under’ thing but we will let every person who makes the Pledge choose what flag they want to pledge to!!!!!!!! I’m thinkin’ most people are gonna choose the flag we got now since it so popular, but, this will also let that ‘South Gonna Rise Again’ bunch to pledge to the rebel flags we had, and that ‘Lone Star’ bunch in Texas, too, if they want to. There might even be a person or two who wants that Snake Flag! (And, by the way, we had two of ‘em! One was yellow and the other had red and white stripes!) Sincerely, Flat Bread Hutchison (like Blind Melon Jefferson) PS By the way, all this has given me an idea on that ‘In GOD We Trust’ motto problem on our money. I am applying for a government grant that will help me prove my thesis: The original money motto was supposed to say, ‘In GOLD We Trust’! We had the gold standard then, I think…. But the mint guys had a drunken party and screwed up the presses and stamps! I heard that from a professor guy down at the local history association a few years ago, and now I am wonderin’…… (you know I go down there on Tuesdays to try and find out why my family has never done too well in this country….. Government grant maybe? Thesis: Does bein’ raised ‘dirt poor’ mean you are ‘dirt’ for life? Answer: Yes!) Anyway, I am gonna prove beyond a doubt that the esteemed forefathers of this great country never meant for God to appear on our money at all! And that, dear genius, Sharon, wipes out our Church and State issues once and for all. PSS Except for that little 10 Commandment thing! And I tell ya somethin’, Sharon, I have something to say about that! PSSS Speaking of issues, Sharon, what am I gonna do with those 5 million cards I ordered? Please advise………… I need about a million dollars or so to pay for ‘em……. Have we got any hits about those guys we ‘dropped the terrorist dime’ on??? Do you think the NBA, NFL, or MLB would sponsor the cards for me? After all, I am just tryin’ to help their guys out so they will not look too stupid on national TV. Those network guys pay a lot of money for those productions, I think! (NOTE: Erase the PSSS!) PSSS I have attached the flag that I am gonna’ propose when I am President of our country, Sharon. I think it blends the best of the best, but you tell me! Modified Pledge Reference Card PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE I pledge allegiance to the ( Please State Your Flag Preference Here, or Disregard) flag (most recent USA flag),   Of the United States of America, And, to the Republic for which it stands, One Nation,  (here comes the part that everybody is pissed about,  Sharon) 1)              Under a Cloud/Under the Gun (till 2013 or so); 2)             Over the Hump (till about 2027 or so); 3)             At the End of the Rainbow; 4)            (Any statement a kid or professional athlete would like to make.   – Effective after: 1/1/2027.) 5)            Delete if you so wish. (Cause the original never had this anyway!) indivisible, With Liberty and Justice for all. (Flatline version: 2002 Revised) (The 2002 ‘Under God’ suit was a good deal.  It allows all of us the freedom to choose our future ‘under’ things! )   3:16:22 PM    Just say it!  []

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Friday, November 04, 2005

Virtual Occoquan You must read VO line-for-line and pic-for-pic and toon-for-toon this month, because it has become a MUST READ....  It's even made HARPO's list! http://www.voccoquan.com/ 5:43:38 PM    Just say it!  []

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Lightning Bugs, Pledges and Government Grants Dear Sharon and Ray, I don’t know about you guys but when June rolls around there is one thing I really look forward to…  beer and the return of the lightning bugs!  Some people call ‘em fireflies but those are mainly artsy-fartsy poet types that do that! You see, firefly is easier to rhyme than lightning bug. Now what was my point?  Oh yeah….This year we have had a bumper crop of those bugs.  They started about 6 weeks or so ago now and I attribute this LLBS (Long Lightning Bug Season) to the heavy rains we had in the Spring…….. Because I am so tuned in to this phenomenon (or should I say Annual Scientific Happening –ASH), I think the following story could only have happened to me…… I was sleeping on the couch in my living room with my feet toward the big picture window that looks out over my front yard.  (I might write you another letter about why sleeping on a couch is better than a bed after you nearly die and have suffered at the hands of surgeons who have ravaged your body without telling you first that you are not going to like the way you feel after you wake up from major surgery not to mention the rest of your life!)   Anyway, I woke with a start!  For no ‘apparent’ reason…… But then, Sharon and Ray, I looked out that window and saw a lightning bug whose light would not go out!  The first thing I thought was that you couldn’t really call it a Lightning Bug.  Now why would Flat say that??!??  Because lightning goes on and off sort of quick like…. This bug’s butt just stayed lit.  I would call it a Light Bug if I had to make that call!  And, I thank God I didn’t.  Anyway, I was mesmerized!  I couldn’t take my eyes off that thing!  It was like a slo-mo time lapsed movie!  I was startin’ to trip…….. But then I got to thinkin’, “Flat, (in my mind I just shorten Flatline to Flat) that bug’s life is probably gonna be shortened by at least half or 58% if that light don’t go out soon! Some bug eatin’ thing like a bat or a rabid raccoon or a lost bullfrog (no pond in my front yard) or my cat was gonna hone in on that thing and suck it right down!”  (My cat brought a bullfrog to my front yard once so I am right on target here!) It was then, guys, that my mind just snapped and I panicked.  I ran to the front door, opened it, and started yelling to any and all of his/her bug friends out there, “For God Sakes!  Please get your buddy that Light Bug to a Lightning Bug electrician.  And be damn quick about it!” Things got a little crazy at that point, guys….  All my neighbors turned on their outside lights and I lost track of the Light Bug!   I never saw that bug again…….  (But I know who all turned lights on and I know how to report “Suspected Terrorists”, by God!) As I sat on my couch reflecting on the event, it occurred to me that bugs probably don’t even understand English.  If that’s true, then my plea for help probably went unheeded and that little Light Bug never made it to an electrician.  He or she never had a chance.  I bet it flamed out less than a quarter mile from my house.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I decided to write a poem: Light Bug Elegy I woke and saw a bug whose light was ever on, But I knew it would never live to see the dawn! And till the day my grave is dug, I’ll not forget that Lightning Bug! If the Lightning Bug season ends today, I will not miss it! Sincerely, Flattest of the Flat PS I am foolin’ around with my new nickname! PSS This is the first time I have ever used the word shorten twice in the same sentence! You wait all your life for stuff like that!   Sharon sent me an e-mail and asked me what I thought of throwing the Pledge of Allegiance out of the classroom and what the heck did ‘indivisible’ mean.   The ISSUE of the PLEDGE Dear Sharon, I am so damned glad you brought this up, Sharon…  Where has the rest of America been on this one?  This “ISSUE” has gotten my Veteran of a Foreign War’s (VFW) blood goin’…….. By the way, indivisible means ‘able to be seen in Indy (Indianapolis, IN)’.  Like the Speedway, I think…..  Marketing is in every sacred little thing we got! Ever since I found out that 'under God' line wasn't in the original version of the Pledge of Allegiance, old Flat's wheels have been turnin'!  We got a great opportunity here I thought...... For the foreseeable future, we ought to say ' Under A Cloud or Under The Gun!  Then when we find all the terrorists and the stock market comes back around (about 2013), we ought to use, 'Over the Hump'.  Then when we are finally back to the optimism and innocence of the '1950s (about 2027), we ought to use 'At The End Of The Rainbow'!  I always thought that the end of the rainbow as a pretty good place to be, what with all the gold and little people around and such! Sincerely, Flatline (Standing at attention with hand over heart) PS See easy reference card attached.  I am having 5 million of them laminated to hand out to school kids and Professional Athletes (Those guys never seem to know the words to the Star Spangled Banner, so I am dang sure they won’t remember the new Pledge). PSS  You know what surprised me about this recent lawsuit, Sharon?  It wasn’t the asking why we have ‘under God’ in the pledge………   It was why they didn’t ask nothin’ about which flag we are pledging to……   I sure hope it ain’t that yellow snake flag they used about 300 years ago.  I have never been partial to snakes, although I will say they were right about one thing – you don’t want to tread (that means, step on, I think) on one! PSSS Sharon, do you think the ‘crazy check’ folks would help me pay for laminating all these cards.  The bill was a lot more than I expected!  Plus, if I am getting a ‘crazy check’, am I eligible for the DAV?  I hear they got cheap beer in those places.  Remember that one near our grade school?  I used to go in there in the summer, and that air conditioning was too nice….  I always said I was looking for my dad…..  I really was lookin’, cause he left us when us when I was two, and I had no idea where he was!   But the bartender always said, “I never heard of that guy, so get out of here!”  I never got a chance to ask what a beer cost, but by the number of guys that was always there and factoring in the number of bars in the area, I’d say it was pretty low!  Any guys that got that good a deal then, probably have a sweet deal goin’ to this day, what do ya think?  Ask Freda where I can get a DAV application will you?  They will never suspect her of any ulterior motive! (NOTE: Please erase the PSSS.)  Pledge Reference Card PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE   I pledge allegiance to the flag,   Of the United States of America, And, to the Republic for which it stands, One Nation, (here comes the part that everybody is pissed about,  Sharon) 1)              Under a Cloud/Under the Gun (till 2013 or so); 2)             Over the Hump (till about 2027 or so); 3)             At the End of the Rainbow; 4)            (Any statement a kid or Professional Athlete would like to make.   – Effective after: 1/1/2027.) indivisible, With Liberty and Justice for all. (Flatline version: 2002) (The 2002 ‘Under God’ suit was a good deal.  It allows all of us the freedom to choose our future ‘under’ things!)   Dear Sharon and Ray: The news is full of stuff about how a lot of Americans are OBESE or ‘clinically’ OBESE and how all this fat stuff is costing more than tobacco in health spending for America.  (At least, that is what the Tobacco Companies are sayin’.  And might I say I am on the side of BIG TOBACCO on this one!) I would like to ask you guys to write me a letter of reference to whoever in the government gives grants to do research on things.  I am going to apply for a grant to study whether or not people living in close proximity to a grocery store or fast food restaurant are fatter than people livin’ further away from said places! This is my thesis:  The closer you live to a grocery store, fast food restaurant, or all night gas station, the more likely you are to be over the government’s limit on weight for your height!  If my study finds that I am correct, then I propose the government do the following: 1)     Begin an immediate investigation into other potential ‘Fat Factories’ like the ones mentioned above; 2)     Bulldoze a 2 mile radius around the offenders; 3)     Relocate all ‘obese’ (by government guidelines – we’re not on a Witch hunt here) folks to Western Nebraska (not many fat factories there). 4)     Warn all the ‘skinny’ people to think twice about moving 2 doors from the neighborhood Kroger and the dangers of ‘midnight’ forays to the Deli Department; 5)     Fingerprint all Arabic looking men when you get the chance!  Better yet, get a retinal scan! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your assistance in this matter, Ray and Sharon.  We have a unique opportunity to positively impact the future of this country and the future of its heavier (but not for long) citizens! Sincerely, Richard Hutchison M.A. Area Studies (Areas Studied: Obesity and Western Nebraska) PS   Sharon, did you get that part about sendin’ the big ones to Western Nebraska?  We can use ‘em to guard the SOL (wink)!!!!!!!!!   By the way, I am over the weight guidelines so I’ll be headin’ to Nebraska if all this comes about!  If you want Freda to meet us then you better start force-feeding her mashed potatoes for the next 5 months!   We got to get her to 140 lbs., or, they will be really suspicious! (NOTE: Erase the PS) PS  I had to add that Arabic stuff cause the FBI Carnivore guys got their hooks into me!   But, they might be right! (NOTE:  Wait a minute, Sharon, be careful here:  SHUTDOWN YOUR COMPUTER! Reboot and open your browser.  Type:  FuckaBunchofFBICarnivores!  If you get arrested, I will try to get you out on bail money I get from the two-legged dog’s royalties!)  (NOTE:  REFORMAT YOUR HARDRIVE OR WE ARE GOING TO JAIL FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!  If you do not know how to reformat, then throw your computer in the river!  The Red River, in Texas!) PSS  By the way, that fat guy who sued McDonalds for makin’ him fat is screwed!  He’s gonna be livin’ in Western Nebraska for the rest of his short-ass life!  And I am gonna ask him every day just why he thought that ‘food’ tasted so dang good???!!!!! 5:35:09 PM    Just say it!  []

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Thursday, November 03, 2005

SOL on the SOL Dear Sharon and Ray, We have to mount a campaign to get the Statue of Liberty moved to Nebraska and we have to do it quick! Let me back up and start at the beginning here. In April, I was riding out in western Nebraska and I passed a place called Chimney Rock. When I saw it, I thought it reminded me of something..... THEN LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHTNING... it looked to me like a good place to put the Statue of Liberty! Now, you are thinking, ''What made Flatline think that?' I thought about it because the news was full of stories about that bunch of AQ (al-qaida/qaeda) thugs have been threatening to destroy our dear Lady! It's simple I thought .... We'll just dynamite the top off of Chimney Rock and put the Statue of Liberty in its place. It all made sense: 1) The property was already a national monument; 2) We could sell the Chimney Rock bits to finance the move; 3) It is nearer the middle of the country and more Americans would have a chance to see her; and, (and Ray and Sharon...this is the most beautiful part!) terrorists would stand out like a danged sore thumb in western Nebraska (if you have an accent out there, then you got a gun pointed at your head!). It is too sweet! Now, next question...why the hurry? Well, I discovered today that Statue of Liberty and Shit Out Of Luck have the same initials. We're going to be SOL if don't move our SOL to Nebraska is what I think! It is some wierd kind of Kharma Fate thing you think of because you have recently been brain dead....... Sincerely, Flatline PS When I was in Nebraska I had the presence of thought to make a concept drawing. It is attached. http://blogs.salon.com/0004367/images/2004/12/04/SOLaChimneyRockDrawing.jpg PSS There is one option that I have thought of on this plan. Swap the Statue of Liberty with the Top of Chimney Rock. It would be a lot more expensive but what the hell... the U.S. is spending like nuts now anyway! The appeal of this plan is that those AQ guys might hit Chimney Rock in New York Harbor, but they are only gonna get five virgins in heaven...not 70! Sharon, You remember how we are trying to get me a crazy check with all these letters? Well, I just re-read that one I wrote on the Statue of Liberty……. Sharon, it makes too much sense! If you show that to the authorities, they are gonna think, “Yes. This guy is crazy….. CRAZY LIKE A FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Then, two things are gonna happen: 1) They are gonna deny my crazy check; and 2) they are gonna steal my idea! Sincerely, Flatline PS Some clouds have silver and gold linings! I just thought of something…. Let’s just say they DO think I am CLAF…….. Let’s say they steal my idea……. But if you and I have a copy of this letter, then we can prove we thought of it first. Now, let’s say Osama Bin Laden heads out to western Nebraska to get the Statue of Liberty. Hah! Then he will be SOL and we will get 25 million dollars! PSS This is just wishful thinking, Sharon. That bastard is dead and rotting! The best we are gonna do is a couple of mil off one of his lieutenants who wanders into our trap! We’re still gonna have to work. (NOTE: Erase this note, BUT save a copy to put in a safe deposit box or under your mattress. We might still make more money off this than my crazy check!) Sharon, If men take those pregnancy tests they advertise on TV, 99.9% of them are gonna turn out negative! So what we really need is a test that will show if a guy got somebody pregnant… then we would have something really good! (Is that right? You’re a nurse, so let me know….) Sincerely, Rick a.k.a. Flatline PS That is the first time I have ever been a.k.a.! I have been almost DOA and I have been DUI. I was never AWOL but I have been on TDY to the RVM and to the PI. I really wanted to be BMOC at one time, but the best I did was AVP at FRC after I was in the USAF! In school, I was working on a Ph.D. but I only got an M.A., so WTF. PSS Wait a minute! A DNA test would ID the PERP, right? YAHOO! No need for a new test……. Sharon, I was sitting on my corner today with that two-legged dog I found, and the franchise owner came up to me and said he wanted his damn .46 cents! He was pissed about the gold and diamond shit, too! He was really pissed, Sharon….. Plus, it so happened that I was just getting set up and was a little short at the time when he got there…. I offered the guy my valuable dog…….. This dog was an ex-movie star…… she was in that ‘Bow Wow Sisterhood’ thing and that 'Milo and Toto’ thing , too, I think. So, I know that dog was worth more than the damn 46 cents I owed on the franchise. That guy did not want to discuss it… (my dog was barking like crazy at that guy, so I am not going to ask him to stay on as President of the company!) He was very loud and scared the dog! I swear, Sharon, that dog knew he was a crazy SOB who never watched dog movies, and, not wanting to be his dog, she took off across Zorn Avenue (that was my paid-for-franchise spot!), and threw herself into the path of an on-coming motorcycle. It was like some weird dog karma attraction…… she wanted to die a two wheeled (two-legged?) death! (The guy at the liquor store told me she lost her leg …the second leg in a motorcycle accident. That’s where I got her, the liquor store….. I forgot to ask where she lost her other leg………) But Sharon, now I am asking myself for real, ‘where could a dog lose a leg, besides in a motorcycle accident?’ I bet a Pit Bull chewed it off in a dog fight…….. (Her first leg I mean… the one that nobody wants to talk about….) Sincerely, Flatline PS Sharon, have you ever seen a two-legged dog run? Neither have I! Hah! (Sorry, that was a sick joke to ease the pain of seeing a Movie Star get flattened by a Honda GoldWing….) PSS The would-be WWFF (Will Work For Food) CEO looked at my dead one-legged dog and just walked away! I have a feeling he and his CFO are not animal lovers……… And they are not good money people, either, I bet! PSSS The Wednesday night Board of Director’s meeting is cancelled! PSSSS Every week end on ESPN Golf, we speak of Dog Legs…. But, yet, we will not speak of THIS dog’s leg……! 7:16:44 PM    Just say it!  []

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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

VO Commercial Break You must read VO line-for-line this month, because it has become a MUST READ....  It's even made HARPO's list! 5:22:14 PM    Just say it!  []

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Three Letter and a Franchise This is the original letter I sent to my friend Sharon, and her husband, Ray.  I had seen a news report on the government’s news request that we report suspicious goin’s on!  One of One  Sizemores,  We live in such a damn good country........   I am going to take advantage of G. W.'s new 'drop a dime on a friend' program......  I am going to accuse everybody I know and see of being a terrorist!  If I get one or two right a year, I will be a rich SOB!  Then I am going to make a movie.....  That is the best thing to do when you are a loser with a lot of money....... Then a book....how to write  'Real Resumes'....... so I use my past experience and cannot be accused of resting on my 'government monies and movie credits'......  This will be my real contribution to society.....  A 'Real Resume' (Trademarked of course!) for the Real World! My hope is that it will let the little people get a job...even if they are old like us or deaf or fucked up from drugs or wine or if they don't like their cat or their mother........  Maybe they can get a job if they just lie like hell (my book will have 'secrets for all you lying SOB's out there!')....  Rick    Sharon responded by telling me that I really was nuts and I might qualify for a government ‘crazy check’.    START  Sharon, You gave me a great idea!  I really could get a 'crazy check'...... I am going to send you a number of e-mails that you can testify that I am crazy in court with!   (NOTE: ERASE THE FIRST PART OF THIS MESSAGE!)   I loved my name Richard, until last year.  I always thought it meant Lion Hearted, but then I found out it really meant Flat-line Hearted!  Hah!  (Get it....I had a heart attack.....) You may think it is a joke but I have applied for a legal name change!  Sincerely, Rick PS Sharon, I will always sign my e-mails Sincerely.  That way, they think I am really crazy!  (NOTE: ERASE THIS PS!) PSS Sharon, Thanks so much for the great idea.....  I am working on future mail..... How many do I need for a big check?  (NOTE: ERASE THE PSS, TOO!)   And then, I really started thinkin’ and writin’……………   BEER Sharon,  Some people respond pretty well to alcohol consumption! You may ask me, "How do you know that, Flatline?" I might say, "Because I have had more beer than ever in my life and I can still think to send a note to my good friend, Sharon....... a woman of great strength and humor!" I also might say, "I had a beer with my good dog Willa on my patio tonight and she and I are going to collect a lot of money on the al-Qaida bastard that lives two doors down! Cheap beer is so damn American!  I rent it with confidence! Sincerely, Rick   Franchise Available Sharon, You will not believe the luck I had today! I saw one of those guys who sit on a street corner with a "Will Work For Food..." sign.  I stopped by the guy and asked if he was the owner of these businesses or a franchisee.   MAN!  HE TURNED OUT TO BE THE OWNER AND HAD ONE FRANCHISE TO SELL!  Sizemore, I got a deal! I bought it for less than the 5 bucks he wanted ....  all I had was $4.54, but he said I could bring the 46 cents to him later. Anyway, Sharon, I am just going to do this for a while until I can find a steady job.  But I have a great idea.  My sign is not going to say, 'Will Work For Food...".  My sign is going to say, "Will Work for Gold Coins Or Old Diamond Rings"!  I don't need the food anyway.  I gotta lose some weight. But the best part is that I expect to make a lot of fast money and go back and buy the owner out in about 3 weeks!  Then I will go 50/50 on the Food/Gold Diamond stuff. Maybe that guy will stay on as President of the company?????   Sharon, if all this comes to fruition, I hope you will consider being Chairman of the Board!  We won't be able to pay a lot at first but you'll definitely get a pack of bologna or a used diamond ring every now and then. Sincerely, Flatline PS  I almost forgot.....  I am combing every animal shelter in 100 miles for a three legged dog.  I think that will be great advertising and while we're sitting on our corner, I can teach it tricks or something.  4:20:24 PM    Just say it!  []

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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The Compleat Flat - Off To The Races! THE COMPLEAT FLAT                                              (All Flatline’s Letters, E-mails, Pomes, & Other Stuff) by HUTCHISON Fall 2004 Prologue After 9-11, I started watching cable news 24 hours day and it got me a little stirred up most of the time. I endured months of current events absorption. Then one day, a good friend of mine, Sharon (renegade nurse), after reading a drunken e-mail that I had sent to her, provoked me into writing a series of e-mails that I (we) hoped would result in the U.S. government awarding me a monthly check for being mentally incompetent or ‘crazy’. It was just a joke…….. Let’s get Rick a ‘crazy’ check…… But wait a minute…. I forgot to tell ya that I had a serious heart attack operation a few months before 9-11 and that is what forced me to watch TV all that time! Plus I was a Vietnam vet who might be nuts even before the fact! At first, old Sharon said I should apply for disability, but I figured I could still work. The jury is still out on that one, cause I never did get around to applyin’ for disabled status. But with no job, this crazy check idea seemed reasonable. And then, when I heard about the potential brain damage from heart operations, I figured a ‘crazy check’ might really be in order, since Sharon (a qualified medical professional with cardiac experience) said I was crazy…… You will see the proof in the first or the second e-mail she sent me (I can’t remember which one)…… I’ll tell ya one thing. Unemployment, alcohol, constant 24 hour news input, brain damage, creepin’ paranoia, possible bankruptcy, and that meandering Vietnam stress syndrome (with flashback version) don’t mix too good. But I figured that I might go to jail if I tried to get money for sayin’ I was crazy when I wasn’t. So ole Sharon, says she was gonna publish my letters in a book cause she thought they were pretty good and pretty funny. (I found it sad that a medical professional would think that my brain damaged and obviously tortured thoughts were funny, but I kept my mouth shut because I have known Sharon since I was a teenager.) But then Sharon forgot about me and my sad little funny letters cause she got a big money job somewhere in New England! I wrote her some more letters up there, but internet problems and the fact that she has not responded very much forced me to take another path. She’s gonna be comin’ home soon though, and maybe we can hatch out a new scheme! So that’s the story. And in the meantime, I am still tryin’ to get a job as a news commentator. --- Flatline DEDICATION Old Milwaukee Beer Stroh’s got too expensive and disappeared? Then I saw you on a shelf…… You make me think happy!’ You fire my writin’ engine’! You’re cheap and you taste a little sweeter than most beers I like! $5.99 a 12-pack and I always leave the penny on the counter. One question…. What year did you start? ___________________________________ Who is Flat?   Flatline is first and foremost, a survivor……….. He is a guy looking to make a livin’ ……… He is a guy who always has a new BIG MONEY idea….. He is in fact, desperate for money……… He is a patriot to a point……  He will never use patriotism as an excuse…. He is a veteran of a foreign war…. He has a son who is a veteran of a foreign war… He is for peace first…….  He is for war second…….  He is terrorist intolerant…….. He is a realist and does not cotton to bullshit or equivocation….. He gets to the point pretty fast…… He likes everybody who is friendly…..  He wins over people who are unfriendly….. He converses with dogs and other small animals……… He has no religion….  He loves all religions……  He knows a lot about many religions……. He is keen on quantum mechanics……. He was brain dead once, but he heard he will recover 5 years from his operation, so He is about 60% back……….. He learned to play one musical instrument……. He has music in his soul…….  He can sing pretty good……. He is a gun owner, for one specific reason…….  He is not nor will ever be a member of NRA…. He is a Guinness World Record holder…….. He is a poet……….  He is a fair artist in a ‘craft’ sense…………. He is a former healthcare manager…….. He listens to people because “everyone is pretty dang interestin’”.….. He speaks more than one language but he loves southern American English the best…… He is absolutely ‘set off’ by the news….. He is for Flat and Balanced reporting of the news…….. He thinks that news commentary is his next job………… He quit smokin’, but, he drinks way too much beer…… He is a bit paranoid……… He has recently made a personal commitment to learn Spanish and read the Koran…… He is a published author…… He is ‘into’ developin’ T-Shirt slogans…… He has albino and endangered species animals living in his neighborhood…… He could be a Rennaisance man if he could spell it! He has a mind that is younger than his body….. Errata: Nom de Plume = Flatline Nom de Guerre = Flatlion Nom de Breve = Flat 8:18:49 PM    Just say it!  []

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