10/04/2004
Sizemore,
I think I am about to be ground to dust in the ‘bowels of our good ole American Bureaucratic Democracy’! And that ain’t even the worst part of this deal cause I’m thinkin’ it could happen to any danged American with a health problem.
Did you know it was possible to get drafted into military service twice in this country? Well, nobody did, until they did an open heart surgery on me, a veteran of the United States Air Force. They did that surgery on me and then I made just one little dang mistake.
Did I tell you that I had to go on jury duty last month? (And, of course you know how I got that world record for out of body heart thing.)
Well I got to thinkin’ one day…. I was dead durin’ that surgery and then when they put my heart back in my chest, I was reborn, right? Well one day I decided to go downtown and see the folks at Muldoon Monuments on Broadway and asked em if they would design a special tombstone for me showin’ both of my names and birthdates, etc. At first they were like, “Flat, you can’t put two names for the same person and stuff on one danged tombstone. It ain’t ever been done before! Plus, it might even be illegal!”
But when I explained the ‘true’ ins and outs of open heart surgery, and told em about my world record and all, then they turned real nice and they worked me up a great danged stone. They’re still workin’ on the video holograms and sound presentation implants for it, but since I know you like pictures, I have included the concept mock-up drawin’ attached to this letter.
Now, Sharon, I was only tryin’ to get the first double-name, double-birth/double-death tombstone ever in the history of the world. Plus I thought an ’inside’ news story might make me a few bucks, but dang, nothin’ is simple, Sizemore, as you know well. It’s always red tape, red tape, red tape. Until you need red tape to slow things down and then there is suddenly NO DANGED RED TAPE in sight!
As I was sayin’, I was on jury duty. The first day there a Jury Duty lady asked me what my birthday was. I said, ‘First one or second one, ma’am?’ That gravestone info was fresh in my mind, and I wasn’t thinkin’ who I was talkin to, and because of one little slip of my tongue, that was the exact danged moment in time that my life went to hell in a bicycle basket!
Sizemore, I never knew this, but them Jury Duty people are the most powerful group of bureaucrats in all of America, and I am gonna tell you why! That Jury Duty lady looked at me kind of funny and said, “Would you just come with me, sir?” She took me to a small room right there in the so-called ‘Hall of Justice’ and in about three minutes, representatives of the Bureau of Vital Statistics, the United States Army, the Internal Revenue Service, the Voter Registration Bureau , the Social Security Administration, the Driver’s License Department, and a local hospital came in. There was also a squirrely lookin’ girl that I suspect is one of them Homeland Security bunch, or maybe she’s a danged FBI Carnivore mole.
Anyhow, once they all got situated in that dang tiny room, they all started yellin’ trick questions at me. Stuff like this from the Vital Statistic guy, “Mr. Hutchison, are you 57 years old or are you 3 years old?”
Just as I was about to explain how that could happen, the Army recruiter grabbed me by the arm and shouted, “You better be registered with the Selective Service, buddy, or you might just find yourself on a side street in Baghdad three months from now. That’s how long it will take to train your sorry old young ass!” I was just about to tell him how I was already a danged decorated veteran of a foreign war, when the Social Security lady jumped on me, and said, “Don’t think you are going to retire in a few years, sonny. You got about 62 years more to work the way we figure it!” The Voter Registration person told me, “You have to choose now and you better choose wisely.” Then the IRS guy verified my Social Security Number and left, the Driver’s License people took my license (invalid birth date) and the Jury Duty lady took my jury badge back and told me I was dismissed from Jury Duty because I was too young to serve on any jury, civil or criminal until this little bit of confusion was all cleared up. Now the squirrely girl didn’t say nothin’, Sizemore, and to tell you the truth, that worries me most of all! Who was that squirrel girl. (Hah! Another two word pome by accident!) On the way out of the ‘Hall of No Danged Justice for Flatline’, the hospital guy comes up and says they are experimentin’ with face transplants, and would I like one for free. He told me I was probably gonna need one since I looked too old to be 3. I told him I would let im know in about 15 years, cause “wouldn’t that be the age of danged consent under all these new patient privacy laws for dang’ sakes?” Danged fool had missed the point of the meetin’ entirely I guess.
Now after them Jury Duty folks had just spit me out on the streets of Louisville like a danged bent penny, Sharon, my head was in a spin like the one I had the day after my heart surgery, minus the morphine! It was like I was walkin the streets of a foreign country.
But it sure was a danged beautiful day, and I didn’t have to go back to work or nothin’, cause they all thought I was still doin’ my Jury Duty. So I walked down through the streets, and I started sortin’ out what had happened and what was goin’ to happen. I put together the followin’ chart in my mind so I could get a better angle on what was the heck was goin’ on. (Did I ever tell ya that ever since my surgery, I see charts pretty danged clear in my mind?)
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Flat At 57 Years Old
Retirement
Pluses: Retire in less than 8 years.
Minuses: Monthly amount: $1400
Flat thought: I worked all my life for this?
The Draft
Pluses: I can prove I served!
Minuses: None
Flat thought: I ain’t goin’ to Iraq this year.
Driver’s License
Pluses: 40 years drivin’ experience.
Minuses: My license was revoked.
Flat thought: 50% of Kentuckians have no
license, so I will keep on
drivin’.
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Flat at 3 Years Old
Retirement
Pluses: Monthly amount: $ 300,000
Minuses: Retire in 62 years.
Flat thought: I might not live that long?
The Draft
Pluses: Won’t go until 2019.
Minuses: I could get killed in Iraq!
Flat thought: Saddam was right. This is
the ‘Mother’ of all wars.
Driver’s License
Pluses: 40 years drivin’ experience.
Minuses: No license until 2017.
Flat thought: 50% of Kentuckians have no
license, so I will keep on
drivin’.
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Voter Registration
Pluses: I don’t have to choose
between two dipshits.
Minuses: I am disenfranchised.
Flat thought: Why vote?
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Voter Registration
Pluses: I can’t choose between
two dipshits.
Minuses: I am disenfranchised.
Flat thought: Why vote?
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As you can danged well see from this chart, Sizemore, whether I am 57 or whether I am 3, I got no good choices here. I have got myself into a dang situation that don’t appear to have any kind of logical way out. I can’t figure out what I’m gonna do! Plus, I just found out the Vital Statistic guy is gonna charge my poor mother posthumously with filin’ a false birth report in 1947!
What is gonna to happen to ole Flat now, Sharon? There is not a lawyer in this town that wants to take my case. I called every one of em and they all said the same thing, “Flat, we never studied any kind of precedent for this dang situation in law school. You’re shit out of luck!”
Western Nebraska is startin’ to look mighty bright to me!
Sincerely,
Flatline
Never To Get A Headline
PS What do you think that IRS guy is up to? (Erase this PS)
PSS I got no shot at a new record or an ‘inside’ news story now, cause the media think that I am damaged goods! Dang!
PSSS Remember how I told ya the Social Security lady told me they ‘figured’ I had to work for 62 more years? Now I am thinkin’ the government might have a new plot, and that is why all those guys showed up so quick.
I bet they are getting’ ready to declare heart surgery dates on all patients to be new birthdays and defer a shitload of money on Social Security and Medicare payouts. And once they get that deal through the courts, they are gonna make a case for any kind of major organ surgery or transplant! By 2019 (the year I will be getting’ drafted again) there won’t be but about 4 or 5 Medicare folks left in this country, and about 15 or 16 Social Security recipients. Dang, where are they plannin’ on spendin’ that money we have saved up? Or is it already gone? Sizemore, it this is even close to the truth, then Western Nebraska ain’t gonna be far enough for me to go!
(Erase this PSSS or PSS if you already erase the first one like I told ya. Thanks.)
7:07:21 PM 
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