10/10/2004
Dear Sharon,
You know how I have always been talkin’ about bein’ a newscaster lately? Well I am gonna go for it! But I don’t want to be one of them anchor guys. I just wanna be like a funny sidekick guy. (Besides, them anchor guys just drag folks down like anchors are supposed to do and that ain’t no fun.)
Well I read somethin’ on the internet about all this “Fair and Balanced’ reportin’ and who is the most ‘fair’ and who is the most ‘balanced’ and who is the ‘foxiest’. But, nobody is askin’ why you would even want to be ‘fair and balanced’ and what the heck does it really mean anyway! If you study on it for a minute, Sizemore, that ‘fair and balanced’ thing don’t hold water any better than a pregnant woman!
If you are fair, then you are probably not well balanced! And that is danged obvious from the get-go……..
I am sure you are grindin’ your teeth and askin’ yourself what the heck does this have to do with Flat, wantin’ to be a dang sidekick reporter, Sizemore. It has to do with it, cause I have decided that I want to work for a station that is for “Flat and Balanced’ reportin’.
See, FAIR is always just a relative dang thing after all. Don’t ya think? Fair sounds good, but that dog won’t hunt! Even if it has four legs it won’t hunt! Supposedly, it means unbiased, pure and all that stuff that is just the ‘opinion’ of the folks who are sayin’ it. They don’t have to prove it or nothin’. It has too many danged meanings to mean anything in particular. One of em is supposed to be honesty, but all the other meanings cancel that dang meaning out. It has other meanings too, like SPECIOUS. Now, Sharon, look me in the eye and tell me that you would want somethin’ specious to be a part of a dang important piece of news? Fair also means blond so there ain’t no folks of color gonna be listenin’ either!
But, FLAT just means flat. It’s fixed and exact. Flat is down, flat is level, flat is just danged flat, the unmistakable, the flat truth! Nobody agrees on fair, but everybody understands flat. It don’t change, from one end to the other! It is dull and has no color. There’s nothin’ else to be said. No debate. No matter who’s sayin’ it or why! And that is why ole Flat says flat is just dang flat better!
Think of it like this. You know that old phrase, “Life ain’t fair”. Well, some folks think it is. The ones that are doin’ just fine, think it’s fair. But, the short-end-of-the-stick guys don’t think it’s so danged fair. However, if you say, “Life ain’t flat”, then everybody is gonna agree, cause everybody knows life always has its ‘ups’ and ‘downs’.
And finally, dear Sizemore, you got to have somethin’ flat on which to balance somethin’. You’ve got to be on flat ground to tell if stuff is really balanced or not.
So ‘Flat and Balanced ‘reportin’ is the way to go, and that’s the way I’m goin’ as soon as I can find a station or program who practices it. I am so dang excited!
Sincerely,
Flatline
No byline, yet……
PS You see how I snuck ‘flat’ into that one sentence five times, Sharon!!!??? The sweetness of it, oh the sweetness…. I’ll do that on TV every chance I get. That way you’ll know whether they are lettin’ me write my own stuff or not.
PSS I hate bringin’ this up, Sizemore, but I was thinkin’ maybe I should just start my own news show. Do you think Freda would consider givin’ me one more chance?
(Erase this PSS. I don’t want folks to think I would try to take advantage of a saint!)
PSSS Any connection between the ‘Flat’ in ‘Flat and Balanced Reportin’ and my name is purely coincidental.
PSSS I had to say that in the last PS, Sharon, to make me look like a professional journalist/correspondent. Actually, my name is what made me think of it in the first place. Taglines: Flat with the Flat and Balanced Danged Truth! Flat and Balanced with ole Flatline. Flat is always sure to be Flat and Balanced. Flat and Balanced be the stuff of Flat! (Make sure you get rid of this one! I.e., erase this PSSS.)
7:27:09 PM 
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