A few years ago I penned this note to my good
friend Sharon ( a certified Registered Nurse) about the West Nile Virus threat. If the authorities
had heeded my sage advice, we would have NO concerns this year about
this Bird Flu scare! (Notice how those Southeast Asian countries have jumped on my idea?)
___________________
Dear Sharon,
You’re in the medical field.
Why the hell does the media in this country rile the public up every
time a little epidemic breaks out?
Dang! They never just help figure
out what to do and then look at the bright side of things ……. It
makes me crazy!
Now, I know what you’re thinkin’, Sharon…….
Has ole Flat got a solution to this one?
YOU BET I DO AND IT DIDN’T TAKE ME BUT 4 MINUTES TO THINK OF IT!
All we got to do is kill all the birds in the country! They carry the disease and the skeeters that
bite people get it from the birds, right?
So kill all the birds is what I say.
Hold on a second, S. I know you
are wonderin’ just how a few folks like you and I are gonna’ kill all the birds
in the USA…………. The answer is….WE’RE NOT!
I think the government ought to issue pump shotguns to every
citizen in the US! Kids, too!
Then they need to tell every citizen to kill 10 birds a day! Think of it a second….. Kids could knock off their quota while they
wait on the school bus every mornin’! (NOTE:
This was tried with great success in China with houseflies. Mao told everybody to get 10 a day or
somethin’! There were only 2 left when
the swattin’ stopped, I heard. And, I think we are as good at killin’ things as
China,
for dang’s sake!)
Plus, Sharon,
with a ‘Flat’ good idea, you always get the important secondary benefits. For
example:
1) People
won’t have to pay for bird seed anymore;
2) There
won’t be pigeon shit all over our national monuments;
3) We
will clear our endangered bird species list (‘cause they will all be dead);
4) The
gun sellers will have massive new markets (including designer shotguns and
‘wee’ pumps for kids);
5) Bird
radar developers will get a lot of free advertising;
6) The
Great American Bird Safari will be a ‘hot’ vacation activity;
7) We’ll
have one hell of a lot of trained marksmen to fight the ‘evil ones’ if they are
stupid enough to show up here!
Now, we’re gonna’ have to make a few sacrifices to get these
maximum benefits, Sharon.
We’ll have to have places at every school for the kids to
check their ‘pumps’. We’re gonna’ take
some flack, too, from anybody who uses feathers for anything (like Native
Americans, pillow makers, quill makers, boa makers, feather jewelry makers,
etc.), and those environmental types that would rather see dead humans than
dead birds! But what the heck, if people
want to see birds, they can go to Canada
or Mexico. It’s not that far!
And trust me on this, Sharon
and Ray, common sense always prevails in the good old USA! Forget PUMPIN’ IRON! “PUMP ROUNDS FOR YOUR HEALTH!”.
Guys, I am gonna’ try to get a government grant on this idea
to see if I can estimate how long it will take to get rid of the virus in the
US. My thesis is: No birds, no
virus! Sweetest of the sweet! I hope I can rely on your help as always. Sincerely,
Flatline on the Firing Line!
PS Hey, that sounds like a good name for a TV show! PSS Does that Nile title make you suspicious of any little
thing you can think of, Sharon?
(CLUE: River in a
country where some people who do not like Americans could find some water to
grow skeeters or lightning bugs in???????)
PSSS Ask Ray if he wants to open a gun store with me. I am thinkin’ we could specialize in ‘Pumps
for Tots!’ – Guns for Kindergarteners.
Day-glo sawed-offs and matching ammo pouches. We’ll make a dang fortune! Watch the Birdie, kids! PUMPS-R-US.
And video training games…… for Nintendo!
PSSS I am using the word skeeter ‘cause I don’t know how to
spell the long word for those bugs that suck the blood out of you in the summertime. Flatlinin’ will do that to ya!
PSSSS Now don’t tell anybody, Sharon, but I have got a guy
in Hollywood
interested in doing a remake of Hitchcock’s, The Birds! Yahoo! We’re in for some real American type
fun! Good livin’ and good movies!
7:03:37 PM 
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