Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The Compleat Flat - Off To The Races! THE COMPLEAT FLAT                                              (All Flatline’s Letters, E-mails, Pomes, & Other Stuff) by HUTCHISON Fall 2004 Prologue After 9-11, I started watching cable news 24 hours day and it got me a little stirred up most of the time. I endured months of current events absorption. Then one day, a good friend of mine, Sharon (renegade nurse), after reading a drunken e-mail that I had sent to her, provoked me into writing a series of e-mails that I (we) hoped would result in the U.S. government awarding me a monthly check for being mentally incompetent or ‘crazy’. It was just a joke…….. Let’s get Rick a ‘crazy’ check…… But wait a minute…. I forgot to tell ya that I had a serious heart attack operation a few months before 9-11 and that is what forced me to watch TV all that time! Plus I was a Vietnam vet who might be nuts even before the fact! At first, old Sharon said I should apply for disability, but I figured I could still work. The jury is still out on that one, cause I never did get around to applyin’ for disabled status. But with no job, this crazy check idea seemed reasonable. And then, when I heard about the potential brain damage from heart operations, I figured a ‘crazy check’ might really be in order, since Sharon (a qualified medical professional with cardiac experience) said I was crazy…… You will see the proof in the first or the second e-mail she sent me (I can’t remember which one)…… I’ll tell ya one thing. Unemployment, alcohol, constant 24 hour news input, brain damage, creepin’ paranoia, possible bankruptcy, and that meandering Vietnam stress syndrome (with flashback version) don’t mix too good. But I figured that I might go to jail if I tried to get money for sayin’ I was crazy when I wasn’t. So ole Sharon, says she was gonna publish my letters in a book cause she thought they were pretty good and pretty funny. (I found it sad that a medical professional would think that my brain damaged and obviously tortured thoughts were funny, but I kept my mouth shut because I have known Sharon since I was a teenager.) But then Sharon forgot about me and my sad little funny letters cause she got a big money job somewhere in New England! I wrote her some more letters up there, but internet problems and the fact that she has not responded very much forced me to take another path. She’s gonna be comin’ home soon though, and maybe we can hatch out a new scheme! So that’s the story. And in the meantime, I am still tryin’ to get a job as a news commentator. --- Flatline DEDICATION Old Milwaukee Beer Stroh’s got too expensive and disappeared? Then I saw you on a shelf…… You make me think happy!’ You fire my writin’ engine’! You’re cheap and you taste a little sweeter than most beers I like! $5.99 a 12-pack and I always leave the penny on the counter. One question…. What year did you start? ___________________________________ Who is Flat?   Flatline is first and foremost, a survivor……….. He is a guy looking to make a livin’ ……… He is a guy who always has a new BIG MONEY idea….. He is in fact, desperate for money……… He is a patriot to a point……  He will never use patriotism as an excuse…. He is a veteran of a foreign war…. He has a son who is a veteran of a foreign war… He is for peace first…….  He is for war second…….  He is terrorist intolerant…….. He is a realist and does not cotton to bullshit or equivocation….. He gets to the point pretty fast…… He likes everybody who is friendly…..  He wins over people who are unfriendly….. He converses with dogs and other small animals……… He has no religion….  He loves all religions……  He knows a lot about many religions……. He is keen on quantum mechanics……. He was brain dead once, but he heard he will recover 5 years from his operation, so He is about 60% back……….. He learned to play one musical instrument……. He has music in his soul…….  He can sing pretty good……. He is a gun owner, for one specific reason…….  He is not nor will ever be a member of NRA…. He is a Guinness World Record holder…….. He is a poet……….  He is a fair artist in a ‘craft’ sense…………. He is a former healthcare manager…….. He listens to people because “everyone is pretty dang interestin’”.….. He speaks more than one language but he loves southern American English the best…… He is absolutely ‘set off’ by the news….. He is for Flat and Balanced reporting of the news…….. He thinks that news commentary is his next job………… He quit smokin’, but, he drinks way too much beer…… He is a bit paranoid……… He has recently made a personal commitment to learn Spanish and read the Koran…… He is a published author…… He is ‘into’ developin’ T-Shirt slogans…… He has albino and endangered species animals living in his neighborhood…… He could be a Rennaisance man if he could spell it! He has a mind that is younger than his body….. Errata: Nom de Plume = Flatline Nom de Guerre = Flatlion Nom de Breve = Flat 8:18:49 PM    Just say it!  []

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