This is the original letter I sent to my friend Sharon, and
her husband, Ray. I had seen a news
report on the government’s news request that we report suspicious goin’s on!
One of One
Sizemores,
We live in such a damn good
country........
I am going to take advantage
of G. W.'s new 'drop a dime on a friend' program...... I am going to
accuse everybody I know and see of being a terrorist! If I get one or two
right a year, I will be a rich SOB!
Then I am going to make a
movie..... That is the best thing to do when you are a loser with a lot
of money.......
Then a book....how to
write 'Real Resumes'....... so I use my past experience and cannot be
accused of resting on my 'government monies and movie credits'...... This
will be my real contribution to society..... A 'Real Resume' (Trademarked
of course!) for the Real World!
My hope is that it will let
the little people get a job...even if they are old like us or deaf or fucked up
from drugs or wine or if they don't like their cat or their mother........
Maybe they can get a job if they just lie like hell (my book will have 'secrets
for all you lying SOB's out there!')....
Rick
Sharon responded by
telling me that I really was nuts and I might qualify for a government ‘crazy
check’.
START
Sharon,
You gave me a great
idea! I really could get a 'crazy check'......
I am going to send you a
number of e-mails that you can testify that I am crazy in court
with! (NOTE: ERASE THE FIRST PART OF THIS MESSAGE!)
I loved my name
Richard, until last year. I always thought it meant Lion Hearted, but
then I found out it really meant Flat-line Hearted! Hah! (Get
it....I had a heart attack.....)
You may think it is a joke
but I have applied for a legal name change!
Sincerely,
Rick
PS Sharon, I will always sign my e-mails
Sincerely. That way, they think I am really crazy!
(NOTE: ERASE THIS PS!)
PSS
Sharon, Thanks so much for the great idea..... I am working on future
mail..... How many do I need for a big check? (NOTE: ERASE THE PSS, TOO!)
And
then, I really started thinkin’ and writin’……………
BEER
Sharon,
Some people
respond pretty well to alcohol consumption!
You may ask
me, "How do you know that, Flatline?"
I might
say, "Because I have had more beer than ever in my life and I can still
think to send a note to my good friend, Sharon....... a woman of great
strength and humor!"
I also
might say, "I had a beer with my good dog Willa on my patio tonight and
she and I are going to collect a lot of money on the al-Qaida bastard that
lives two doors down!
Cheap beer
is so damn American! I rent it with confidence!
Sincerely,
Rick
Franchise Available
Sharon,
You will
not believe the luck I had today!
I saw one
of those guys who sit on a street corner with a "Will Work For
Food..." sign. I stopped by the guy and asked if he was the owner of
these businesses or a franchisee. MAN! HE TURNED OUT TO BE
THE OWNER AND HAD ONE FRANCHISE TO SELL! Sizemore, I got a deal!
I bought it
for less than the 5 bucks he wanted .... all I had was $4.54, but he
said I could bring the 46 cents to him later.
Anyway,
Sharon, I am just going to do this for a while until I can find a steady
job. But I have a great idea. My sign is not going to say, 'Will
Work For Food...". My sign is going to say, "Will Work for Gold
Coins Or Old Diamond Rings"! I don't need the food anyway. I
gotta lose some weight.
But the
best part is that I expect to make a lot of fast money and go back and buy the
owner out in about 3 weeks! Then I will go 50/50 on the Food/Gold Diamond
stuff.
Maybe that
guy will stay on as President of the company????? Sharon, if all this
comes to fruition, I hope you will consider being Chairman of the Board!
We won't be able to pay a lot at first but you'll definitely get a pack of
bologna or a used diamond ring every now and then.
Sincerely,
Flatline
PS I
almost forgot..... I am combing every animal shelter in 100 miles for a
three legged dog. I think that will be great advertising and while we're
sitting on our corner, I can teach it tricks or something.
4:20:24 PM 
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