Dear Sharon and Ray,
I don’t know about you guys
but when June rolls around there is one thing I really look forward to… beer and the return of the lightning
bugs! Some people call ‘em fireflies but
those are mainly artsy-fartsy poet types that do that! You see, firefly is
easier to rhyme than lightning bug.
Now what was my point? Oh yeah….This year we have had a bumper crop
of those bugs. They started about 6
weeks or so ago now and I attribute this LLBS (Long Lightning Bug Season) to
the heavy rains we had in the Spring……..
Because I am so tuned in to
this phenomenon (or should I say Annual Scientific Happening –ASH), I think the
following story could only have happened to me……
I was sleeping on the couch
in my living room with my feet toward the big picture window that looks out
over my front yard. (I might write you
another letter about why sleeping on a couch is better than a bed after you
nearly die and have suffered at the hands of surgeons who have ravaged your
body without telling you first that you are not going to like the way you feel
after you wake up from major surgery not to mention the rest of your
life!) Anyway, I woke with a start! For no ‘apparent’ reason……
But then, Sharon and Ray, I
looked out that window and saw a lightning bug whose light would not go
out! The first thing I thought was that
you couldn’t really call it a Lightning Bug.
Now why would Flat say that??!??
Because lightning goes on and off sort of quick like…. This bug’s butt
just stayed lit. I would call it a Light
Bug if I had to make that call! And, I
thank God I didn’t. Anyway, I was
mesmerized! I couldn’t take my eyes off
that thing! It was like a slo-mo time
lapsed movie! I was startin’ to trip……..
But then I got to thinkin’,
“Flat, (in my mind I just shorten Flatline to Flat) that bug’s life is probably
gonna be shortened by at least half or 58% if that light don’t go out soon!
Some bug eatin’ thing like a bat or a rabid raccoon or a lost bullfrog (no pond
in my front yard) or my cat was gonna hone in on that thing and suck it right
down!” (My cat brought a bullfrog to my
front yard once so I am right on target here!)
It was then, guys, that my
mind just snapped and I panicked. I ran
to the front door, opened it, and started yelling to any and all of his/her bug
friends out there, “For God Sakes!
Please get your buddy that Light Bug to a Lightning Bug
electrician. And be damn quick about
it!”
Things got a little crazy at
that point, guys…. All my neighbors
turned on their outside lights and I lost track of the Light Bug! I never saw that bug again……. (But I know who all turned lights on and I
know how to report “Suspected Terrorists”, by God!)
As I sat on my couch
reflecting on the event, it occurred to me that bugs probably don’t even
understand English. If that’s true, then
my plea for help probably went unheeded and that little Light Bug never made it
to an electrician. He or she never had a
chance. I bet it flamed out less than a
quarter mile from my house. Tears welled
up in my eyes and I decided to write a poem:
Light Bug Elegy
I woke and saw a bug
whose light was ever on,
But I knew it would never
live to see the dawn!
And till the day my grave
is dug,
I’ll not forget that
Lightning Bug!
If the Lightning Bug season
ends today, I will not miss it!
Sincerely,
Flattest of the Flat
PS I am foolin’ around with
my new nickname!
PSS This is the first time I
have ever used the word shorten twice in the same sentence!
You wait all your life for
stuff like that!
Sharon
sent me an e-mail and asked me what I thought of throwing the Pledge of
Allegiance out of the classroom and what the heck did ‘indivisible’ mean.
The ISSUE of the PLEDGE
Dear Sharon,
I am so damned glad you
brought this up, Sharon… Where has the rest of America been on
this one? This “ISSUE” has gotten my
Veteran of a Foreign War’s (VFW) blood goin’……..
By the way, indivisible
means ‘able to be seen in Indy (Indianapolis,
IN)’. Like the Speedway, I think….. Marketing is in every sacred little thing we
got!
Ever since I found out that
'under God' line wasn't in the original version of the Pledge of Allegiance,
old Flat's wheels have been turnin'! We got a great opportunity here I
thought......
For the foreseeable future,
we ought to say ' Under A Cloud or Under The Gun! Then when we find
all the terrorists and the stock market comes back around (about 2013), we
ought to use, 'Over the Hump'. Then when we are finally back to the
optimism and innocence of the '1950s (about 2027), we ought to use 'At The
End Of The Rainbow'! I always thought that the end of the rainbow as a
pretty good place to be, what with all the gold and little people around and
such!
Sincerely,
Flatline (Standing at
attention with hand over heart)
PS See easy reference card
attached. I am having 5 million of them
laminated to hand out to school kids and Professional Athletes (Those guys
never seem to know the words to the Star Spangled Banner, so I am dang sure
they won’t remember the new Pledge).
PSS You know what surprised me about this recent
lawsuit, Sharon? It wasn’t the asking why we have ‘under God’
in the pledge……… It was why they didn’t
ask nothin’ about which flag we are pledging to…… I sure hope it ain’t that yellow snake flag
they used about 300 years ago. I have
never been partial to snakes, although I will say they were right about one
thing – you don’t want to tread (that means, step on, I think) on one!
PSSS Sharon, do you think
the ‘crazy check’ folks would help me pay for laminating all these cards. The bill was a lot more than I expected! Plus, if I am getting a ‘crazy check’, am I
eligible for the DAV? I hear they got
cheap beer in those places. Remember
that one near our grade school? I used
to go in there in the summer, and that air conditioning was too nice…. I always said I was looking for my
dad….. I really was lookin’, cause he
left us when us when I was two, and I had no idea where he was! But the bartender always said, “I never
heard of that guy, so get out of here!”
I never got a chance to ask what a beer cost, but by the number of guys
that was always there and factoring in the number of bars in the area, I’d say
it was pretty low! Any guys that got
that good a deal then, probably have a sweet deal goin’ to this day, what do ya
think? Ask Freda where I can get a DAV
application will you? They will never
suspect her of any ulterior motive!
(NOTE:
Please erase the PSSS.)
Pledge Reference Card
PLEDGE
OF ALLEGIANCE
I pledge
allegiance to the flag,
Of the United States of America,
And, to the
Republic for which it stands,
One Nation,
(here comes the
part that everybody is pissed about,
Sharon)
1)
Under
a Cloud/Under the Gun (till 2013 or so);
2)
Over the Hump (till about 2027 or so);
3)
At the End of the Rainbow;
4)
(Any
statement a kid or Professional Athlete would like to make. – Effective after: 1/1/2027.)
indivisible,
With
Liberty and
Justice for all.
(Flatline
version: 2002)
(The 2002 ‘Under God’ suit was a good
deal. It allows all of us the freedom to
choose our future ‘under’ things!)
Dear Sharon and Ray:
The news is full of stuff
about how a lot of Americans are OBESE or ‘clinically’ OBESE and how all this
fat stuff is costing more than tobacco in health spending for America. (At least, that is what the Tobacco Companies
are sayin’. And might I say I am on the
side of BIG TOBACCO on this one!)
I would like to ask you guys
to write me a letter of reference to whoever in the government gives grants to
do research on things. I am going to
apply for a grant to study whether or not people living in close proximity to a
grocery store or fast food restaurant are fatter than people livin’ further
away from said places!
This is my thesis: The closer you live to a grocery store, fast
food restaurant, or all night gas station, the more likely you are to be over
the government’s limit on weight for your height! If my study finds that I am correct, then I
propose the government do the following:
1) Begin an immediate investigation into other potential
‘Fat Factories’ like the ones mentioned above;
2) Bulldoze a 2 mile radius around the offenders;
3) Relocate all ‘obese’ (by government guidelines –
we’re not on a Witch hunt here) folks to Western Nebraska
(not many fat factories there).
4) Warn all the ‘skinny’ people to think twice about
moving 2 doors from the neighborhood Kroger and the dangers of ‘midnight’
forays to the Deli Department;
5) Fingerprint all Arabic looking men when you get the
chance! Better yet, get a retinal scan!
I cannot tell you how much I
appreciate your assistance in this matter, Ray and Sharon. We have a unique opportunity to positively
impact the future of this country and the future of its heavier (but not for
long) citizens!
Sincerely,
Richard Hutchison
M.A. Area Studies (Areas
Studied: Obesity and Western Nebraska)
PS Sharon, did
you get that part about sendin’ the big ones to Western
Nebraska? We can use ‘em to
guard the SOL (wink)!!!!!!!!! By the
way, I am over the weight guidelines so I’ll be headin’ to Nebraska if all this comes about! If you want Freda to meet us then you better
start force-feeding her mashed potatoes for the next 5 months! We got to get her to 140 lbs., or, they will
be really suspicious!
(NOTE: Erase the PS)
PS I had to add that Arabic stuff cause the FBI
Carnivore guys got their hooks into me!
But, they might be right!
(NOTE: Wait a minute, Sharon, be careful here:
SHUTDOWN YOUR COMPUTER!
Reboot and open your
browser.
Type: FuckaBunchofFBICarnivores!
If you get arrested, I will
try to get you out on bail money I get from the two-legged dog’s
royalties!)
(NOTE: REFORMAT YOUR HARDRIVE OR WE ARE GOING TO
JAIL FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES! If you
do not know how to reformat, then throw your computer in the river! The Red River, in Texas!)
PSS By the way, that fat guy who sued McDonalds
for makin’ him fat is screwed! He’s
gonna be livin’ in Western Nebraska for the
rest of his short-ass life! And I am
gonna ask him every day just why he thought that ‘food’ tasted so dang
good???!!!!!
5:35:09 PM 
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