This is a list of the ten albums I would least want with me on a desert island.
1. Lou Reed, Metal Machine Music. There was a time I lived in a house, and every month or two, I had parties, and when three or four or five in the morning rolled around, and people still wouldn't leave...and I threw pretty good parties, so this actually happened...I would put on Metal Machine Music. This is an album composed entirely of distortion. That wouldn't clear out everyone, though. Then I put on the Rosanne Barr comedy album. Years before she sang the National Anthem, she sang on that. It cleared the room. I believe the Environmental Protection Agency put a stop to that album, however.
2. Bread, The Best of Bread. The horror! The horror!
3. Mac Davis, The Best of Mac Davis. This is sort of a cheap shot. "Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me" isn't a bad song, and some people like "In the Ghetto", but he's a terrible singer, and the songs don't bear repeated listens.
4. Coldplay, Parachutes. I don't understand how anyone can think a band that plays nothing but ballads is rock. If they were any limper, they would, in fact, be spaghetti.
5. Kris Kristofferson, The Essential Kris Kristofferson. He can write songs, but he sure can't sing them.
6. Cher, Believe. If I had the choice between being shot in the groin or seeing Cher live, I'd have to seriously consider my options.
7. Enya, The Best of Enya. Most of the times I've gotten a massage, I've had to listen to Enya. If I had to listen to her without getting a massage, I believe I would go insane.
8. Soundtrack, The Virgin Suicides. Listening to this soundtrack leaves one in absolutely no doubt why someone would want to commit suicide. There are some talented performers on this soundtrack, but I hate every single song on it.
9. Matchbox 20, Yourself or Someone Like You. I almost went with some metal or disco straw man, but I can't think offhand of any album in either genre that annoys me as much as this one. A bunch of boring, formulaic frat rock.
10. This is a tie between every album by anyone who's ever appeared on American Idol. The mainstream, mediocre music performed by non-offensive nonentities that this show champions is the stuff of nightmares.
