Wednesday, June 22, 2005

A New Hope   I received this email.  Unlike 99.9% of the "funny" emails I receive, this was actually worth reading.  I would credit the author if I knew who he or she is.  I pass it along without further comment.   Dear Red States...   We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California. To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.  We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties. By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.   Sincerely,   Author Unknown in New California 8:20:17 PM    comment []

Dick Durbin Right to Apologize   Senator Durbin is a deservedly obscure Senator; he's better than one more Senator joining the Republican majority, but has limited political skills, and a correspondingly poor ability to express himself.  Last week, he committed what is surely a cardinal sin of politicians, which is to compare those who he disapproves of to Nazis.  This is always a mistake, because everyone instinctively knows it's an unfair comparison.  You can compare the killers in the Sudan, in Bosnia, you can compare the Khmer Rouge to the Nazis; those aren't utterly unreasonable comparisons.  But that's about it.  Durbin's criticism of the Guantanamo prison camp was appropriate; the prisoners there have been, and, according to all reports from the military itself, continue to be, mistreated.  But when you compare someone to a Nazi, the discussion quickly becomes about calling someone a Nazi, and not at all about what that other person or people did.  Senator Durbin owed an apology to the majority of the soldiers at Guantanamo, who have done nothing wrong; he even owed an apology to those who have brutalized the prisoners, because they are still not as bad as Nazis; but he also owes an apology to the people who are as concerned as he is with the mistreatment of the prisoners, and most of all to the American soldiers who are dying abroad because of Moslem anger over our brutality toward Moslem prisoners (which is certainly the main reason for my concern over the matter), and our failure to treat the prisoners according to our own laws. He was trying to do something to save the lives of those soldiers, and to do something about that brutality, but by calling the brutes Nazis, he set back the cause. 3:26:36 PM    comment []

Ralph Reed Rally a Dud   Despite having the duelist Zell Miller and the dullard Sean Hannity, both popular figures among the ultra-right wing, at his rally, Ralph Reed's campaign rally drew only 1000 people Friday night.  No word on how many people agreed to pay $1000 for photographs with Miller and Hannity, so the number was probably anemic.  And, of course, there was the musical "entertainment", a musical act called the Right Brothers. They feature toe-tapping songs like "Hey Hollywood", which includes the lyrics, "Hey Hollywood./  We've heard your message and it don't [sic] sound good./  You're just running down our country with troops overseas."  "Tolerate This" has the witty lyrics "I believe in driving the biggest car I can".  On the money they make from song royalties, my best guess is it's a subcompact.  And then there's the inspirational "Trickle Down", which goes, "If you take away his revenue with taxes that are high/ Then he won't take the chance and put his money on the line." Doesn't it make you want to dance?  Next to such lyrical virtuosity, Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen ought to pack it in.  Why these guys aren't bigger than U2 is a real mystery to me.  8:55:59 AM    comment []

Quote for the Day, 6/22/2005   "It's not biologically natural for people to mate for life.  Animals don't mate for life.  Well...ducks do, but who the Hell cares what ducks do?"   -Scott Patterson (Luke Danes), Gilmore Girls, "Red Light on the Wedding Night" 4:13:03 AM    comment []