One More from the Wires: What Ever Happened to Injury by Scissors?
Oh, those Britons – such cut-ups! How I do so love their propensity for finding new and interesting ways to make me laugh. Most recently, I found myself chuckling at a new report by the British Department of Health outlining the many curious manners in which people come to injure themselves.
No, this list doesn’t harp on the more common of accidents (you know, those that occur while slicing bagels and such), but rather it highlights the peculiar… and, boy, am I a fan of peculiar!
Here’s just a taste:
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207 people needed treatment for rose-related accidents. (Coming into contact with plant thorns, spines and sharp leaves)
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138 people visited the hospital to return an unwanted parting gift from a prior visit. (Foreign items left in body following surgery)
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37 were admitted for injury befitting of Greek mythology. (Volcanic eruptions)
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22 were brought in for burns caused by really hot foreplay. (Ignition or melting of nightwear)
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9 were seen for unsuccessful forays into erotic asphyxiation (Accidental suffocation or strangulation in bed)
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1 was treated for injuries sustained while a stowaway on the International Space Station. (Prolonged stay in a weightless environment)
So, the BDOH report got me thinking about accidents, and how embarrassing the “right kind” of accident could actually be. For example, I never want to leave the hospital knowing that my admitting chart states that I had been seen for an injury by plunger. It just wouldn’t leave me with a very good feeling inside. In a slightly different way, a feather-related accident might pink-up my cheeks a bit, so I should be extra cautious when frolicking in the vicinity of waterfowl. Magazines, soft fruit, wax, Venetian blinds, cashmere, gas pumps, edible clothing --- ALL items that I would like to avoid mention on my ER chart.
One last thing to note, the injury categories are set by the United Nations' World Health Organization (WHO), so if you are planning any really crazy accidents in the near future, please run your masochistic ideas by WHO first to make sure you will get proper credit for your injurious folly.
2:01:04 PM 
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