Selfish, pt. 2.
All our acts, reasoned and unreasoned, are selfish.
~Mark Twain
And all at once, in the space of a week, I've been made shockingly aware of my ignorance, my heedlessness, my navel-gazing, and my own tragic lack of perspective. All it took was a movie, a church service, 15 websites, four discussions, one Sudanese man, a banquet with bad chicken, and 4 Ethiopian boys to show me how ignorant I truly am.
~Me (April 21/05)
I was feeling quite selfish earlier this week. Not in a proud, brassy kind of way, but in an "oh, I suck" kind of way. I don't usually feel like selfishness is a defining aspect of my personality, but I know it's creeping in.
The more thought I've given to it, the more I'm realizing that almost everyone else is selfish, too. I suppose I always knew that was the case, but, as of late, it seems to me to be more of an epidemic than a classic human condition.
We've all learned to live with selfishness as a part of the world around us, and as a part of who we are. Some of us embrace it, and figure that same selfishness is what enables us to survive and be successful. And it's true; self-preservation is a key biological imperative.
I do believe that, in a busy, demanding, harsh world, it makes sense to guard our time, our money, and our efforts, and apply them towards the things that matter to us. The problem comes when the only thing that matters to us is....us. Biological imperatives are simply not a justification of grandiose self-entitlement.
I'm tired of people who never give or do a damn thing because they don't stop thinking about themselves long enough to realize that an unselfish action might be a good idea.
And even if the notion does occur to them, most people figure unselfish actions are a) a waste of time ("what difference could I possibly make?"); b) not their responsibility ("I earned this, it's mine. People have to look out for themselves."); or c) beyond their capabilities ("I just can't afford it/can't spare the hours/can't see how it's feasible...").
Bullshit.
No one is asking you to be Ghandi or Mother Teresa. No one expects to see you in sackcloth and ashes. But odds are, you could be doing more.
Almost everyone has something worth giving/doing/contributing/sharing. You'll find that the people who possess the least are the most willing to share what they have, because they understand what it's like to have nothing, and what it is to be without hope. They realize how quickly things can change for the worse, and how integral it is to share with others when we possibly can. The more we have, however, the less we share. Possession becomes not only 9/10ths of the law, but 100% of our excuse not to spread the wealth around.
The reality is quite simple: if we're heedlessly and arrogantly confident in what we possess and the lives we lead, then we're lying to ourselves. No matter how secure we believe our situations to be, most of us are one disaster or a couple bad choices away from a nightmare. If we don't reach out to others in distress, then we have no right to expect support if our own lives fall apart.
We don't figure that will happen to us, though.
Pick up a paper, turn on the tv, go online, walk down the street....pain is there in bold, ugly colour. But somehow, miraculously, we manage to pretend it doesn't exist. We live on a planet in turmoil, where horror is such a commonality that we've stopped cringing when we see suffering. It's easy to flick the channel away from the carnage in Sudan or Iraq, and find a sitcom where the biggest issue at hand is finding a date or dealing with a nosy mother-in-law. It's easy to drive in parts of town where we won't be confronted with homeless people or evidence of poverty. It's not even remotely difficult to make our own lives so all-consuming and important that we become the sun. moon and stars in our own, tiny universe.
And that's where the most subtle selfishness comes in: selfishness of the heart. It's good to volunteer at a soup kitchen, or give to tsunami aid, or vote for someone with social responsibility, or buy a homeless guy some lunch. All of those things are useful in positive, productive ways, and they make a difference. But even the most charitable people I know struggle with selfish hearts and sometimes use 'good deeds' to cover up or justify a fairly bleak internal map. It could be said that any motive is a good motive if it causes you to do something good, but I have to use that word again:
Bullshit.
It's always shocked me how few people see the connection between our personal behaviours on a micro level, and the state of the world on a macro level. If you can't treat your neighbours with kindness, why the hell should neighbouring countries make the effort to do otherwise? Sure, they make their point with bombs, but the sentiment remains the same. If you can't discuss and resolve issues with respect, grace and open-mindedness in your communities, than why are you shocked that governments elsewhere squelch debate? They don't like being disagreed with any more than you do!
I won't even get into the myriad ways we mistreat our family and friends....that would make for a much longer post! I've heard exchanges between husband and wife (or parent and child) that make jihad propaganda sound like an Osmond tune. If we don't make some effort to get along with the people we love, then how do we expect others to exist peacefully alongside people they hate?
Our tempers, our sarcasm, our ingratitude, our justifications...they are the building blocks of the conflict we decry elsewhere. Just because we manage to act on those emotions and still live in a fairly peaceful environment doesn't make our exercise of them acceptable in the least.
My selfish heart is the thing I struggle with the most, and for all the tears I cry at global suffering, all the stuff I've given to charity, and all the hours I've volunteered at various non-profits, I know for a fact that I'm still a pretty disgusting person, deep down. Every judgmental, ingracious, strident, self-involved, mean-spirited, antagonistic, lazy, secretive bone in my body points to that truth.
And I hate it. I don't care if Mark Twain acknowledges it to be a normal thing, or if everyone's exactly the same as I am, or if my selfishness gets me what I want. I'm tired of grasping, closing down, turning my back, and pounding my fist on the table to ask for more. It doesn't matter how much I've given...I'm well aware that I take far more.
So this is where I've ended up...realizing that I need to do more with my hands and my heart to change myself, and the world I live in.
How am I going to do it?
Good question.
1:09:55 AM 
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