Erratica.
How do you know if a fish likes you or not? Dogs lick your face,
cats purr, horses nuzzle your neck, but fish -- just how do you know?
Does his mouth open a bit wider? Does he come to gaze at you longingly
through the aquarium glass? Does he leap up when you walk by? I want to
get a fish, but I'm worried I won't know if he loves me, or just wants
me for my multicoloured food flakes. And hello...I dated that guy
already.
With all cuisines, there is an expected aftermath. When you eat
Chinese food, you anticipate being hungry an hour later. When you eat
Mexican food, you expect a little bit of gas. When you eat Italian
food, you know your breath will reek of garlic for days. When you eat
McDonalds, you expect to die shortly of cardiac arrest. But has anyone
developed a theory for what results from the excessive intake of
Tootsie Rolls? Because I should know -- it's fairly urgent, actually. I
just ate nine of them. And if you tell me I'm just gonna look like
Dustin Hoffman in drag, well...
Universalities: everyone thinks they have good taste in books.
Everyone thinks they are generally a safe driver. More often than not,
we think we're right. Nobody likes a whiner, a quitter, a complainer, a
lazy ass, a tattletale, or a telemarketer. Do your best to avoid being
any one of those things.
If it comes on a stick, it's probably tasty. If it comes with extra
butter, it's probably tasty. If the kitchen staff gathers to watch you
eat it, I'd order something else.
Self-destructive behaviour can be defined as cutting the cheese off the mold.
I owned a pair of clamdiggers once. Damn lazy pants just sat in my drawer until I gave them away to Goodwill.
It's funny that, when you buy things on the Internet, you shop with
a browser. I hate shopping with browsers. If you haven't found one
thing to try on in two minutes, it's time to leave the store.
For fun, try asking the changing room attendants if you can get something "in another species".
If you try something on, and a part of you spills out, do not
purchase it. If there is something appliqued on it, wear it only around
your mother-in-law. And if an animal ever slept on it, peed on it, or
wore it at a party you threw, it's not okay to wear it to work.
People who have PayPal links on their blogs should be forced to tap
dance in chicken costumes to Ace of Base songs while children tossed
Nerf balls in their direction. At least I have some experience in this area.
If I were a piece of land, I would be a beach. If I were a song, it
would be by Ella Fitzgerald. If I were a party favour, I would be a
sparkler. If I were a time of day, I would be twilight. If I were a
drink, I'd be an Orangina. If I were a vegetable, I would be a jalepeno
pepper. If I were an item of clothing, I would be a pink ballgown skirt.
And if I were any more random, I'd be....happy.
9:53:36 PM 
|
