Things you just don't admit.
I just watched an Ashton Kutcher movie.
Now....before you scoff, or close this window ("Good heavens, I had no idea she was that kind of girl..."), I'd like to note that it wasn't 'Dude, Where's My Car' or 'Just Married'. It was a little thriller called 'The Butterfly Effect', and it made me think.
The whole title and plot of the movie comes from the portion of Chaos Theory that states the following:
"The flapping of a single butterfly's wing today produces a tiny change in the state of the atmosphere. Over a period of time, what the atmosphere actually does diverges from what it would have done. So, in a month's time, a tornado that would have devastated the Indonesian coast doesn't happen. Or maybe one that wasn't going to happen, does."
(Ian Stewart, Does God Play Dice? The Mathematics of Chaos, pg. 141)
I won't spoil it for those of you who have yet to have to find a decent film to quell those sudden Kutcher cravings (no, I've never had a Kutcher craving, although I have had cravings in the past for baumkuchen), but essentially, his character struggles thoughout the movie with the idea that one event can change the course of a life (or of a lot of lives).
I think I believe this on one level, but on another level, I'd like to think that I have more choice than to simply live my life as a reaction to a single moment. I know that I've had experiences that have impacted me dramatically over the years, but I also know that I was capable of better reactions to some of those things, and on the other hand, that I could have dealt with some things far more negatively than I actually did. In other words, my life is more subject to my reactions than it is to actual events.
I like this idea much better. Or I would, if not for the fact that I know I am capable of some pretty bad reactions to things, born of temper, insecurity, frustration, and confusion. I don't always wait for things to unfold before I respond to them in a problematic way, internally or externally. My reactions shape whole chains of choices and events that tend to seem somewhat irreversible (which they actually rarely are), whereas if I'd just stopped and taken the time to think before I spoke or acted....well, things might have gone differently.
Again, in other words...I have lots of choices, but I have a bad habit of not making the best ones. And I think that pattern, more than any one event, is what makes my life what it is.
But!
Fortunately, I am surrounded by gracious people who love me, and who have consistently made the choice to love me, even when I wasn't loveable, and had made their lives difficult.
Although!
Fortunately, sometimes I manage to figure out I'm making a bad choice just in time to save my own butt.
And!
I get better every year at not making those choices in the first place.
And and!
It's rarely too late to start doing the right thing in some small way.
So!
Butterflies can flap all they want...I'm learning how to stop my storms.
And besides...I don't like butterflies. I may be the only person on earth who doesn't like butterflies. But I see it like this: if you pulled the wings off a butterfly (and don't do that, it's cruel; just try and use your imagination), and all you had was their little black body, would you say, "Ahhh! Lovely!"?
No. You'd say, "Ahhhh, bug!"
As far as I am concerned, if you put a dress on a fat, hairy man, it doesn't make him any less a fat, hairy man, no matter how pretty the dress might be.
Same goes for butterflies. And their freakin' effect.
I know, I know...I lost the point. But what can you expect? I just watched an Ashton Kutcher movie, dude.
11:41:39 PM 
|
