there are ten things that are hard.
Well, sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren't. But mostly --
they are. And, of course, there are far, far more than ten. But that's
as high as I want to count tonight.
10. Letting go of something you really, really thought you wanted.
Sometimes you really do want it...it's not just that you
thought you did. But sometimes you need to let go of it, and that's
hard. Today, I saw a girl -- a pretty girl, well-dressed, kind-faced --
crying as she walked. You know the kind of crying: the "I'm not really
crying" crying, where you wipe each tear aggressively, and blink lots,
and pretend everything is fine. That's how I cry when I have to give
something up. I hate giving things up. Ideas, dreams, people --
anything.
9. Loving someone who doesn't love you back.
Oy. Yeah. Need I say more? It's not even necessarily that they're
unkind about it -- in fact, it would be easier if they would just tell
you off, or say something cruel, or ignore you, or give you the boot.
But more often than not, they don't even know. You do, though. It's
rough.
8. Trusting when your trust has been broken.
It's not even reasonable, usually, to keep trusting people who break
your trust. But you have to, sometimes, because everyone makes mistakes
and breaks promises on occasion. Not even necessarily the big promises,
either. Even little ones. It really goes against logic and evidence to
reinvest in them. It always feels foolish until you've healed.
7. Showing emotion in front of 'certain' people.
Crying at work? Yep. That never feels okay, unless you're an actor.
Crying when you've hurt yourself in a silly way? Yep. Crying over
nothing at all, spontaneously? Oh, yes. It's not easy when it happens
in front of people that you'd like to impress, or people that you'd
wish only to see your strength and not your weaknesses. But it can
happen, and when it does, you have to find a way not to beat yourself
up about it, because then you really can't stop blubbering.
6. Admitting you're wrong.
This one is easy for me, most of the time. I mean, I'm wrong fairly
often. But when my pride is on the line? Oh, gosh. No way. I'd rather
argue bad points than give in, on occasion. Usually when I feel
compelled to argue, then I truly know I'm really in error. When I'm
right, I'm usually just content to smile and know that that's the case.
Usually.
5. Trusting knowledge over sensation.
Ah! This is one of my worst, since I'm horrendously emotional and
impractical at the worst possible points. Sometimes I feel something so
incredibly strongly, it seems impossible to let it go. I'll put so much
stock in the state of my heart that I'll barely be able to see around
it to how things actually are. But. upon occasion, the facts are key,
and you have to give them the victory, even when your gut says no.
Nearly impossible, really.
4. Saying goodbye.
Does this need any elaboration?
3. Seeing yourself as others see you.
Now, with this, you can err too far in the wrong direction, for
sure. You can lose track of yourself by only looking at who you are
through others' eyes. But sometimes you can't see your forest for your
trees, so someone else has to do the surveying. And usually, you don't
want them to tell you what they see -- if it was that great, you'd have
seen it that way yourself all along, anyhow.
2. Changing.
Hell, for some of us, replacing the toilet tissue roll seems like too much of a hassle, let alone our lives.
1.Falling in love.
It's often much harder to hang on than to let go. I can't always get
the hang of letting my heart do what it will. Even when it feels
amazing, it's a loss of control on a grand scale.
Funny how half of these contradict one another, mmm?
No wonder we're so confused most of the time.
In the space of a day, I pass hundreds of people, and it would
appear that there is no set of standards that truly governs how we look
or behave as a society. For every dapper guy in a suit or young woman
adorned in the latest fashions, there is a harried soul with twenty
year-old shoes and a coat that is too warm for the weather.
I see arguments, negotiations, laughter, adoration, frustration,
numbness and passion. If you counted every freckle on my nose, my
shoulders, and my arms, you wouldn't even come close to the number of
things I see and feel and notice in a day.
Today, I saw a lot of unhappy people living out annoyances and
sadness and confusion in loud and quiet ways. Why were you all out
today? Why did I see you?
A couple, snarling at one another on a corner.
A mentally ill man yelling at someone who wouldn't give him change.
An old woman leaning on her walker, catching her breath with a grimace.
A round girl lagging just behind her lithe friends, eyes trained on the ground until they told her to hurry up.
A man taking small sips of his coffee, steeling his face not to show what was plainly evident in his eyes.
A young Korean woman being told to "learn the language of the f***** country you're in!" by someone she asked for directions.
A little boy watching his mom try and explain that she didn't have the money for the food she ordered.
You know what's hard for me? Not letting it all make my heart break
to the point where I cease to be of use. Not letting my soul cave to
cynicism. Not letting the world tell me that I can't do a damn thing to
change it all.
You know what else is hard for me?
Figuring out where to start.
But you know -- I figure I'm a bit of the way there if I see all these people, and don't look away.
It has been said that most people live lives of quiet desperation.
So in my desperation, I shall be noisy.
Because that, heaven knows, isn't hard for me at all.
12:48:55 AM 
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