Wednesday, October 26, 2005

miss anthropy. Well, that's not quite me. In fact, it's really not me at all. But lately, I've been accused of being a bit Pollyanna. A bit moonbeams and giggles. A bit smiley-face emoticon. A bit 'Love Is All You Need'. A bit 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'. A bit 'Happy Happy Joy Joy'. A bit 'Care Bears'. Not on my comments, noooo. Just via email and when I advocate for things like peaceful protest and grace on other blogs. I get it -- I get that I appear to believe that a good hug can cure all ills, pay all bills, swallow all pills, and pickle all dills. I know that I don't rage about politics or issues or events on my blog very often, and it can easily come to appear that coffee and babies and lip gloss are the most important things in my universe -- oh, yes, and the iPod. Well, maybe they are. Along with the issues and concerns and causes that I give my money, time, blood, sweat and tears to. Involvements I have no need to defend, since I've spend a good portion of my life going about the business of supporting them. Passions that would become clear if you knew my details, my beliefs, my hopes -- in the flesh. But so often, when I go to address those issues in my writing, I feel inadequate to truly represent what I think, what I hope, and what I desire. I fear that I'll get it wrong somehow, when others could express what I believe so much more thoroughly and convincingly than I could -- and they're doing it on their blogs. Or I fear that I will get so caught up in debating my point that I will abandon grace with great haste -- and that's always been a flaw of mine, not a goal. Believe me. That's why I stick with something I know better than anyone else on earth: my life. It's easier for me to make fun of myself or tell you about my random ideas than it is to dig into the parts of me that are vulnerable to a different kind of mockery or attack. Am I chicken? Or just wary? I've seen many, many people with good intentions make a mess of any number of salient points on their blogs, mostly because of unmitigated anger or a lack of logic or reason or research. I've seen people with lovely hearts make mindless attacks on people who were trying to grasp their words and somehow asked the wrong question in the process. It's rough to see. And I didn't want to be like that. I do know I need to get over it. I have just as much of a right to shake my emotional fist or fly my flag or stand up for my convictions as anyone else. I just need to believe I can manage it well enough to make it worth doing. All that being said, sometimes people are just annoyed at me because I seem so damn cheery all the time. Or so they say, because I think I rant often enough to give that rep a miss. Still, it comes up a bit too often in my correspondence for my taste. Again, if you knew me face to face, you'd know I had plenty of edges. Sharp ones. And the people that know me -- my friends -- can attest to that reality. So, I did just that. I asked them to attest. Here, according to assorted MegPals, is what Meg is like when she is annoyed, what annoys her, and other sordid details. So no more of this Pollyanna crap! Kristy, Meg's roommate and close friend: a) Things Meg complains about : receiving mixed messages : passive-aggressive behaviour : retiring her flip flops for the winter season b) The fact that Meg does have a temper : temper manifests itself in silence, but not the soothing kind, the kind that clearly forbids any further comment, insight or encouragement...one does not tread into these waters. c) What Meg is like when she is grouchy Quiet, speaks in monosyllables, doesn't really engage in conversation, needs to be alone. d) If Meg likes to argue/debate Yep...especially about politics, since she can talk circles around most people and quite eloquently as well. Must be the double major in English/Poli Sci. Usually sounds like she's knows what she's talking about...even when she doesn't have a clue. (I'm on to her now...I get the tricks) e) Things that obviously piss Meg off : injustice, especially towards children : Christian culture and behaviours that make Jesus look like a traditionalistic, legalistic jerk. : bad customer service, especially if it relates to coffee : water shortages (no clean clothes or showers...bad, bad, bad); definitely contributes to a temper tantrum. : inappropriate hockey pool posts : the hockey strike : missing the hockey pool draft : when my professor gives me negative feedback on an essay she has edited. Ashleigh, close friend: Well, I know that poor use of commas pisses you off, as well as really bad interior design (a la Trading Spaces). I also know that you have a temper because I've seen (and heard) how you respond to poor reffing at hockey games. And I know that you aren't afraid to tell the opposing team's fans just what you think of them too! Jennifer, close friend: Jaegen and I had invited you over for a barbeque at the cabin. You arrived talking loudly to Kristy and with a dog in tow. I knew something had to be up, because: you were late, and you aren't normally late; you didn't remember that the baby was sleeping as you came into the cabin; and you hadn't mentioned that you'd be accompanied by an animal. All of these things were/are very out of character for you, as you usually exemplify social grace (I'm serious). You then proceeded to"wolf", as my mother would say, a burger, retreat into a somewhat terse conversation with someone over the radio (editor's note -- I was a camp director at the time, on the island where their cabin was, and the radio meant emergencies --or my director hailing me back), and then vanish from the party, fairly snorting with rage. I know you were angry, but it was pretty funny to see...and, I never did get to find out what had so completely pissed you off. Meg's Mom: 1) Things She complains about and/or that piss her off: a. Her father and brother's conservative attitudes towards 'stuff' b. Taxes and exorbitant student loan repayments c. The carelessness and insensitivity of persons who claim a spiritual kinship d. Her own lack of self-discipline e. Her mother's multi-tasking, list-making, and 'let's get it done yesterday' attitudes f. Having to wear closed in shoes just to please other peoples' thermostats! g. Bare midriffs on most every one on the street, but not the beach h. People who can't tell the obvious difference between 'clean' and 'tidy' i. Why am having to do this with my less than adequate typing skills when she has ranted extensively for all the world to read about them on any number of occasions! 2) The Fact that she has a temper is a double edged sword. I could harm us both in the relating of this! She is longsuffering in an almost biblical sense. How do I explain that? We are alike in this respect: we will put up with a great deal in all loving relationships, but when we've had enough we lose our cool instantly, which is shocking because we have been patient for so long that no one even notices the patience anymore: it has become part of the rhythm of the relationship. It's accepted and while the other party knows on some level there is an inequity in the relationship that they have become careless about, they like the status quo. Put it this way: Meaghan has a temper but it is usually meted out on injustices, foolishness, carelessness, stupidity, greed, selfishness, crime, thoughtlessness, and all manner of evils and she is very noble -- except when she is being exactly like the rest of us and gets mad at stupid things even when she is the stupid thing! She can lash out at someone else, even when it's herself she[base ']s the most angry at. (dangle away, particple!) 3) Grouchy a. As a small, albeit verbally precocious, toodler (yes, toodler!) she would wake up in the morning and yell "Hey you guys! I'm awake now!" To which those who were wise would respond "Are you cheerful yet?" (we realize that we were doing irreparable damage to her psyche! But we had to live with her in the now!) to which she might reply NOT YET! or _____ (= silence), either of which would be followed by up to 20 minutes of what we called 'quiet chatting amongst herself', which for example meant stories she was making up, lectures she was rehearsing, all accompanied by a few tunes. Then would come the call: "I'm cheerful now!" in an obviously cheerful voice. Now that she is all grown up she doesn't feel any compunction about dealing with those of us in her immediate family in an honest and uncontrived manner at any time of the day or night! Which in turn frees me (her mother) from any guilt at having once tired to manipulate her into being less than honest in expressing her emotions at unearthly times of the morning! b. She would get after her brother when he had ticked her off by first tickling him -- not difficult, because he was instantly helpless -- then she would jump on him and pound him to a pulp (This means, in my mind that she is willing to use your weaknesses against you should that become necessary in order to win!) She did this because she was grouchy and had no idea that she was half his size. This is the model she created and uses to effect to this very day. Humor, with many shades and nuances has replaced tickling (which would be wrong on so many levels) as a preface to the serious discipline or correction which she has been required to exercise from time to time in her work in the recent past. (You can get someone helpless with laughter and then deal out a severe beating! Only now it's emotional and the recipient walks away grateful for the tickling and the ticking off!) c. She gets grouchy just like everyone else when she is overtired (except she has more stamina than most people and will only get over this with age like I did!), or when she's undernourished or underfueled in the immediate sense (ie. blood sugar levels and electrolytes), put upon, ignored, not taken seriously when she's serious, taken for granted, lied to or about) The next degree of response is anger for some of these causes if the catalyst is more malice than ignorance. 3) Arguing and Debating! Meaghan enjoys the odd argument or debate if the following elements are in evidence: a. Humor b. Complete ignorance of the facts needs to be remedied c. That facts manufactured out of thin air are accepted (she is good at this) d. No sulking or bullying e. Having the ability to know when to quit graciously f. Don't take yourself too seriously but don't abuse someone else's passion on a given subject when it turns serious g. When it's serious and earnest, lifeshaping and respectful, and a whole lot of other good things surrounding debate that I can't do because I wasn't allowed at an early age to express when it mattered. Meaghan was always allowed to speak her mind if her tone of voice was respectful and her choice of words was thoughtful -- as in, she had given them some thought. Not that they had always to be considerate, though that was also to be an element in expressing herself. And yes, with all those restrictions we did in fact still discuss politics! Though that would be when the rules were most apt to be bent. See? I'm a jerk! I hope this satisfies all my naysayers -- err... yaysayers? 11:57:01 PM    well, yes, but...  [] the undying weirdness of google So, on Salon's Top 100 Blogs, my old blog of two months in 2004 now gets around 100 hits a day for this link: http://blogs.salon.com/0003323/2004/02/28.html Not because it's a fabulous, mindbendingly cool post, but because of this image: Why? You can't find it anywhere else? Good grief. Let it go! 9:59:34 PM    well, yes, but...  [] does google REALLY know everything I am testing it, according to the Nancy method. It's easy to do: just type "(your name here) needs" into Google and see if the ubersearch engine can see into your heart. Here's what -- according to Google -- Meg needs: Meg needs new home urgent Meg needs mega purrs please Meg needs to learn to let go Meg needs to be of the same type as the calling Meg Meg needs a drink and to go to the Bahamas and find a man Meg needs to collect, use, retain, and disclose personal information Meg needs as much continuity as possible Meg needs to work hard to maintain the loyalty of fans Meg needs some physical activity to keep her mind off of John Meg needs a nudge Meg needs to stop doing romantic comedies (The last thing) Meg needs to be is sexy-smart Meg needs assistance Meg needs you so much these days Wow -- Google DOES know. But what do I WANT? Meg wants to continue to be able to perform common life tasks on her own Meg wants your advice Meg wants to continue working as the chef in a fancy New York restaurant Meg wants to keep working Meg wants to be a sheep farmer Meg wants to do the right thing Meg wants to be popular Holy cow. Well -- the sheep farming is a bit of a shock, but chef? Hell, yes! Finally, what do I love? Meg loves romance -- writing it, reading it, living it Meg loves a pink frisbee Meg loves her soft toys and plays with them for hours happily in the house Meg LOVES football Meg loves to have a laugh Meg loves to go for rides and eat Meg loves to compete in math events (uh...) Meg loves a problem Sigh. Google, what have you wrought? So, I had to look on Meggle -- the Meg search engine... Meg needs more sleep Meg needs more money Meg needs to buy shoes Meg needs to focus Meg needs to drink less coffee Meg needs to finish this post What do you think Meg needs? 8:32:49 PM    well, yes, but...  [] listen to your body, meg. It's trying to break up with you. Eh, I'm kidding, but my night of rest ended somewhere around 3 am with stomach pains that followed the pattern of my classic childhood anxiety response. I had to laugh -- I'm 31. Has my body not received the cards and presents I've been sending it yet? I've got a busy, stressful month ahead in a million respects, so I guess my stomach was telling me what it thought of that. It's a funny sensation, really: sharp pains followed by nausea, followed by a lull of nothing, at which point you think you can lie down and cease mock Lamaze breathing. But as soon as you are horizontal, your body cries OH NO NO NO SIT BACK UP OH NO and you start all over again. Sigh. Prior to 3 am, however, I had some very bizarre dreams that I credit entirely to eating curry right before I slumbered. I dreamt that I married Paul Sorvino and that he wouldn't stop singing. I dreamt that I had an extra ear that was covered by my hair at the back of my head. I'd go deaf if I wore a ponytail! I dreamt that my bed was made of that body-response foam (the stuff that molds to your body while you sleep), but that a child went to jump on it and the bed ate their legs. What? All I can say is that normalcy seems a distant hope -- at best. I'll not get the latte today -- things are a wee bit tight -- but I think I can scrounge up some drip coffee at work. Here's to idle thoughts of sleep-ins and tossing my bills into a fireplace and eating lunch at sidewalk cafes and walks in the snow and lying on the beach and as many sweaters and shawls and flip flops as one closet can hold. Not all in the same place at the same time, though. And who put this hole in my jeans?! 7:08:28 AM    well, yes, but...  []

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