Tuesday, December 13, 2005

seasonally effective. WINTER. honey, can you warm up the car? Some of you trembled when I said that. I can feel it from here. And not just because it's -45 in your basement. If you are not a winter-lover, you probably live your life in a conspicuous, paralyzing dread of shorter days, lower temperatures, leafless trees, and -- depending on where you live -- SNOW. I wish I could say I understood. I mean, intellectually, sure... I can acknowledge the very real impact of Seasonal Affective Disorders and avalanches and frozen pipes and Singing Christmas Trees. No one is going to be preposterous enough to say that such things are well or good. BUT... when I look at all the delights and blessings that December, January and Febuary (and seven other assorted months in North Dakota) bring me (and not just me, but many other winterloving folks, too), I am hard-pressed to bear the icy months any ill will. I sense your skepticism. I honour it, even. But I also come with a tobogganful of evidence to counteract your raised eyebrows and shivering limbs. I call it: THE CASE FOR WINTER. (a defense in five parts) it's cold? It's not dark outside, it's bright inside! One of the first indicators of seasonal change -- and classically, the first one that people mention as they peer out their office windows like squinty moles at the world outside -- is the natural and inevitable reduction of daylight hours through summer and fall into DOOM. People moan and grimace, pretending as though they would NORMALLY spend EVERY POSSIBLE HOUR outdoors after work until the sun set (rather than sitting inside watching sitcoms and eating Doritos, as is actually the case). They bemoan the walks they won't get to take (to the fridge and back), the games of Frisbee they won't get to play (though they don't own anything to throw to anyone besides an old tennis ball crusted with dog spittle), and the hours they won't spend floatin' in the ol' swimmin' hole (who do you think you are, Huck Finn?). For those of you that experience genuine depression at times like these, you are entitled to your frustration. And an extra cup of cocoa, too. The rest of you? GET OVER IT. There are a million things to appreciate about lightlessness! For one, you can stop working on that awkward farmer tan that you've been cultivating since June. No one is going to beg you to take your shirt off again (ostensibly because you're at the beach, but really only to laugh at the contrast between your rhubarb-coloured arms and your blindingly white chest). For another thing, no one is going to ask you to play Frisbee anymore. Which -- if you'd only admit it to yourself -- is the one activity in life that makes you feel like Mary Martin (without the feathered cap and theatre harness). just sayin' Children go to sleep more peacefully in winter than they do when the sun is still shining at 10 p.m. That red couch in your living room will fade less (though that coffee stain is here to stay) when the sun isn't rushing in to bleach it out. Not to mention the fact that people are more inclined to enjoy a night out when it's... well... NIGHT OUT. The lights from the stores and the cars and the houses twinkle like merry stars. that's pretty darn merry, if you ask me AND... you can make out in the dark, in your car, in front of your house at the end of dates without your roommates -- or your neighbour Rollerblading by in spandex tights -- peering at the sordid spectacle. If you do that kind of thing. Which I don't. Night is mystery! Night is glamour! Night is an excuse to light candles! You must embrace the darkness. Not in a Darth Vader-ish way, mind you, but in a "your black pants make you look thinner" way. That's right -- nighttime makes you look thin! There. Didn't I tell you it was a good thing? It's not colder, it's more fresh. Falling temperatures are the next big bellyache of the Summerlumpen and their goosebump-prone limbs. And I get it -- you're COLD. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Put on a sweater and get over it. COLD IS GOOD. Think about all the things in life that are cold -- things you love: Slurpees, Ben and Jerry's, Margaritas, Icy Hot, sushi, ex-girlfriends... so many magical things! The capacity for refrigeration is a sign of civilization, you know. Why, imagine if your freezer broke down tonight! Everything chilling there -- from the peas to the corn to the fish you caught seven years ago with Uncle Jedd -- would thaw to a room-temperature mush. I doubt you'd want to keep those items around much longer now, would you? doing his impression of a breaded cutlet (yes, he's fine) Cold kills germs. Hello, tropical disease, anyone? Not in winter. Cold freshens the air. Cold wakes you up. Cold makes you feel ALIVE! And it's a proven fact that people sleep better in cooler rooms. Why spend thousands of dollars on air conditioning to cool off when nature will gladly do it for you? That's right -- turn off that fan! Let the breeze ruffle your hair and blow down your power poles. Tis the season! You can't skate if the lake doesn't freeze over. You can't icefish if the lake doesn't freeze over. You can't fear the GIANT ICICLE OF CERTAIN DOOM looming over the front door if the temperature doesn't drop below -10. will it ever melt?!? What's life without a little excitement? Some of you will point at your perilously-frostbitten extremities, click your frost-covered lashes in a panicked sort of morse code, and protest the chill through blue lips. To you I say: stop whining! It'll go numb in a second! And furthermore: if it falls off, you probably didn't need it in the first place! Snuggle under a blanket. Put on your leg warmers. Rub at any portions of your skin turning an odd gray colour. Or, better yet, get someone to do it for you. Summer lovin'? Eskimo kisses! Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! So all the stores are sold out of shovels. So the drifts in the backyard have trapped your dog inside and caused it to pee in the kitchen. So your car pulls a Dorothy Hamill every time you pull out of your driveway. So what! Think about all the good things about snow: You can ski on it! You can sled on it! You can build igloos with it! You can get your team of Clydesdales to pull you through it in a pine-bough-covered wagon! You can give your children a carrot, a scarf, and some rocks and tell them to go build a friend in the front yard! Snow makes the world look like a postcard from the Alps (without the handknit sweaters and that odd German tourist in snowshoes and lederhosen). geez, wait up! Snow is snowball fights and snowblowers and sparkling skies and maple syrup drizzled on fresh powdery whiteness. But more than any of those things, snow is a cheap excuse not to go to work or school. Can I get an amen? Happy Freakin' Holidays! Speaking of excuses not to go to work or school, may I draw your attention to: Christmas Chanukah Kwanzaa New Year's Day Food poisoning Wait, that last one should be in a different section. BUT. For those of you with a faith tradition or cultural orientation that draws you into glorious, tinsel-draped celebration this time of year, winter brings a host of opprtunities to gather with family and friends (and those guys down at the bar) to commemorate the season. I am of the Christmas orientation, myself. Which means I do and love Christmas things. And for those of you without any orientation at all -- and I don't mean you, Michael Jackson -- it gives you a chance to commemorate the faith and traditions of others by watching football and eating all day. Haul out your candelabra -- your menorah, your kinara -- and light up that thing with your Santa Bic. Maybe even snog a glass of 'nog! I love carols, I love lights, I love wrapping paper, I love mulled cider, I love the smell of pine. Not the car air freshener kind, mind you, but the real kind you get from real boughs. And I even had a dreidel at one point, but it spun out the window. Oops. this one wasn't a jumper FINALLY... It's the Cutest Season Of All! Oh yes, yes it is. I don't even like the word cute, but I have to give it up for winter. I give up a lot of things for winter. Like flip-flops. Sometimes. You think spring is cute, what with all the flowers and baby animals? I BEG TO DIFFER. You want cute? Find some snow and some cold. Cuteness abounds. How do I know? Well, come on! Penguins Polar bear cubs The Christmas Google banner John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together Babies in snowsuits Elves Snow angels A Christmas Story Kids in holiday concerts A Peanuts Christmas Just to name a few. What lukewarm-hearted clod can turn a blind eye to sights like this... resistance is futile. Winter, man. I really dig it the most. 11:38:11 PM    well, yes, but...  []

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