Untitled Documentpost of posts pt. one
I have this little problem. This thing I do. It's not good. I tend to overcompensate. Did I forget to return your email? Here, let me make you dinner. Did I look grouchy this morning? Here, have some flowers. Did I accidentally breathe air that was allotted to you? Have my kidney. So, when I don't do a blog post on any given day -- and of course, I'm delusional enough to think that someone will be disappointed if I don't -- I feel the need to do a really super-duper post the next day. And when I say really super-duper, I mean long, erratic, and fairly overflowing with information.
And pictures.
And sounds. Not just, you know... a post. No. That would be normal.
I must do: THE POST OF POSTS. (a rhapsody in two parts)
So. Rapier Wit: I really couldn't think of anything that funny to say in the Post of Posts. Certainly nothing witty; that takes a fresh crop of brain cells, and I recently disposed of them by reading US Weekly at the checkstand. When I think of rapier wit, I think of cutting remarks. Wahahaha.
Do you get it?
Please tell me you do. I'm giggling. Sincerely. Really. Out loud and everything!
Okay. Moving on... (At this point, I realized there was a squirrel under my bed. Or so I thought. Stay tuned.) Flailing Rants: There are four things I'd like to rant about this evening. Are you ready? Let's proceed (and if you saw me right now, you'd see me flail):
Reality TV: You've gone too far, Networks (yes, I'm talking to you! And you, A&E! Traitors!). I can no longer tell the difference between what is sincerely occuring on the television (oxymoron alert) and what is a complete fabrication. And since I know that there are few things that ever sincerely occur on the television anyhow, I'm even more irked. I hate being taken for a ride. I change the channel if anyone is pretending to experience anything on a "verite" kind of level. I am not cut out for this genre. I thought I might be when I was watching Survivor to be in the Survivor Fantasy Pool in 2000, but as soon as the boy who was in it with me disappeared off of my romantic radar, so did the show. Now it seems like everyone from bad country music stars to mafia princesses to Flavor Flav has a reality show of their own. Is that not enough reason to NEVER WATCH THEM AGAIN? If you ever did in the first place. Which you should not admit to. Or I might laugh. Pharmaceutical advertisements: Am I the only one who is freaked out by the verbalization of the small print in televised pharmaceutical ads? It used to be that you could ignore the small print in the magazine versions. All you had to look at was the photos of the lovely, healthy people who no longer suffer from what you potentially suffer from on a chronic basis. But now? On TV? Gosh; one moment you're hearing about freedom from allergies and congestion and imagining a new, sniffle-free life with a golden retriever named Jake. The very next, you're curled up in a ball of fear because of the rapidly-voiced threat of hemorrhaging, cardiac arrest, and globular tumours that resemble cauliflower or Jay Leno's chin. I'd much rather deal with snot, thanks. CNN: Good lord, CNN is upsetting. I can't watch it for
ten minutes without feeling either a) entirely too lucky to be alive
and safe; or b) completely horrified and distraught at the state of the
world. Which is as it should be, but still. Forever and ever, I thought I was going to end up as a
journalist or foreign correspondent of some sort. Now I know I am far
too easily moved to stay objective and rational in the face of horror.
Sure, I can step in and care for people. But to stand to the side with
a microphone, taking it all in? In some coherent manner? Maybe if I
chill out a little. Maybe if I switch personalities with Anderson
Cooper. But I think I am far too Peace Corps for my own good. Give me a task, not a bureau. Well, okay, a bureau, too... but only if it's simple, with a relatively dark stain and good wood.
Vancouver Weather, '05-'06: Okay, what is the deal, Vancouver? Make up your
mind! Are you going to rain, or aren't you (oh, wait, you are, that was
silly...)? Are you going to be temperate, or aren't you? And should I bring
GoreTex or a puffy down coat or sixteen wool blankets or a bikini or a grizzly pelt
for my trip to work? I was trying to picture making the journey by
horseback and carriage today, but I couldn't reconcile it with iPod
ear buds dangling from my purse. I swear, though, given a good team, I could probably make it
to the office ahead of stupid BC Transit, especially in this spastic
weather.
Free Samples: That's right -- FREE! I probably couldn't charge for them anyhow. Though donations are welcome.
Here is a sample of how I sound when I'm washing dishes: And another one of what it sounds like when I watch hockey: Oh, and here's one of me singing in the shower: If you were expecting little packets of dishwashing liquid or, say, the kind of samples dealers give you to get you hooked, then I'm terribly sorry to disappoint. Or at least I'm sorry about the Palmolive. Go find your own crack. Okay, don't. Please. Especially not in public.
(update: the squirrel turned out to be a sock. a menacing sock, but a sock nonetheless.)
The art and science of giving a damn: Well, I'm not sure about you, but I am sincerely engaged by the possibilities of this project. We'll see what comes from their research. It could have a dramatic effect on the way relief efforts occur in the future -- if people pay attention. The reality is that tragedy doesn't just hit, it echoes. In ways big and small. In people big and small.
I, for one, refuse to let my heart gain distance.
If people don't pay attention to projects like this one and learn from them, then we'll have moved one step further in the direction of apathy. That's something none of us can afford, though it feels like we're doing it daily anyhow. Sorry... I know that one was actually serious. But still.
Here are the last ten songs that played on my iPod: And I'd suggest that you listen to each one AND buy the album on which you find it (I'm not doing all the work for you. That's why Google is your friend...)
- 'Fade Together' -- Franz Ferdinand
- 'Cannonball' -- Damien Rice
- 'Choked Up' -- Whiskeytown
- 'Trav'lin' Light' -- 'Billie Holiday
- 'Til I Gain Control' -- Blue Rodeo
- 'Basement Apartment' -- Sarah Harmer
- 'Everlasting Love' -- Jamie Cullum
- 'You And I Both (Live at Java Joe's)' -- Jason Mraz
- 'La La' -- The Polyphonic Spree
- 'A Woman's Worth (Live)' -- Alicia Keys
Sunrise, Sunset:
Me at one...
Me at two...
Me at nine...
And that's right about when I stopped being cute.
Fashion Tips For People With Awkward Figure Types:
When most people think of awkward body types, they think of large hips or disproportionate balance between torso and legs or too-broad shoulders that split coat seams wide open.
Or they think of me.
Bastards.
But when I'm referring to awkward body types, I mean really awkward.
So. Let me help you.
If your knees are larger than your hips, try wearing an A-line skirt to minimize the appearance of "dreidel leg". If you find that you are missing elbows entirely, try wearing sweaters or jackets with elbow patches to simulate the appearance of a joint. Then join the Buckingham Palace Guard. If you have no butt whatsoever, why not try a pair of assless chaps? If you are pregnant with a rare square baby -- and I don't just mean one that listens to Clay Aiken -- try using your belly as a TV tray or knicknack shelf until the big day comes. And then get a freakin' epidural, for the love of Pete. If you have a large gap where your torso should be and your upper body is magically suspended a foot above your legs via some complex reverse-magnetic force, try wearing a funky sheer shirt to accentuate your airy appeal! And avoid belts.
Dark Truths About Unpasteurized Cheese
Many people enjoy a good, earthy bite of beloved -- and unpasteurized -- cheese varieties like Roquefort, Gruyere, Fontina, Camembert and Brie.
Not sure if you're a fan? Find out here.
Some of my friends consider these cheeses the best cheeses that money can buy.
But here's the truth:
They smell like socks.
Backmasking revelations from Free's "All Right Now"
If you play this song backwards, you will distinctly hear the words, "We never realized this would happen. All we wanted to do was pick up chicks."
Pt. two... coming soon.
But no promises... and no deadlines.
And no cheese.
11:48:05 PM 
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