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Sunday, May 7, 2006
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do you ever wonder...... how making one or two decisions differently might have have led to a completely different life?
Most of my friends are pretty accepting of their lives. Sure, they have hard times, but if they changed those experiences or removed them altogether, would that take away some of the good stuff, too? The bad stuff is what makes the good stuff good, right? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, we learn from our experiences, yadda yadda, etc.
And another friend always says, "At the end of the day, you CAN'T change any of this stuff anyhow, so why wonder?"
Ah, yes. Practicality.
Most people I know are very practical -- if not in how they spend their money (because hello, who always gets that right?), at least in how they live their lives.
I'm really starting to wonder if I am.
Sure, I like cleaning and getting my finances in order and trying to work out my health concerns and being cheerful and helpful. I am a reliable person, for the most part. Well, I used to be reliable in some ways, and now I am reliable in different ways. That's a charmingly vague way of putting it. Ha!
But inwardly?
I still believe in really stupid love songs. I still hang onto fears from when I was little. I still want to spend my last $20 on shower gel that smells like coconuts. I still want to write ranty things on my blog. I still get shy and blather around attractive men. I still don't have a responsible pair of shoes. I still hate going to the doctor. I still have clothes folded on my floor. I still get horribly insecure about how I write. I still take things too personally. I still dream of lives and places and ways of being that are so far outside the realm of possibility that they will NEVER happen.
And I still wonder: if I'd done a couple things differently, would I be a grown-up by now?
Would someone love me?
Would I have more money?
Would my body seem to hate me as much as it does?
I know I can't go back. No one can go back. And as much as people advise me of this reality, the idea comes into my head and I dream on it a little and occasionally get sad.
Not often, mind you. Just when things pile up. Like now.
I'll probably go back and delete this entry in a couple of days when I am rolling my eyes at my own thoughts, comfortable in the knowledge that if I can't edit my life, I can edit my blog, and hey, that's a nice substitute, right?
Or maybe I won't.
Because this is me, too. And the more I make conscious decisions to accept who I am and to be real about my bumps and flaws, and to do it without worrying about appearing to be jolly and perfect all the time, well...
Let's just say if I'd done that ten years ago, my world would be a different place.
And ten years from now, God willing, it will be different, too.
And then I won't have to wonder anymore.
12:24:40 PM 
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© Copyright
2006
Meg Fowler.
Last update:
6/1/06; 11:12:13 PM. |
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