Michael Doughten: Gibberish

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 11:22:25 GMT

REAL MEN OF GENIUS

 voiceover:                Bud Light Presents Real Men of Genius

male lead vocal:               (Real Men of Genius)

voiceover:                Today we salute you Mr. Mettalica Tribute Band Guy.

male lead vocal:               (Mr. Mettalica Tribute Band Guy)

voiceover:                Most people would pick a good band, like the Rolling Stones, for a tribute.

female chorus:                  (Brown Sugar)

voiceover:                But no, you had to go for really lame and loud,  possibly to cover up for an extreme lack of ability.

female chorus:                  (shit, I’m deaf!!)

voiceover:                So put on that leather jumpsuit even though it’s 90 degrees out and you’re standing under 150 watt spots.

male lead vocal:                (sweatin’ my cubes off)

voiceover:                You’ve got the mullets and tribal tattoos to almost pull it off.

female chorus:                  (That’s some hair)

voiceover:                So crack open a Bud Light Mr. Mettalica Tribute Band Guy, because even though your amp goes 
 up to eleven, your talent only goes to two.

male lead vocal:               (Mr. Incredibly loud Mettalica Tribute Band Guy)

 *apologies to the Anheuser-Busch Brewing Company

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 03:42:15 GMT

Hi, my name is Mike and I don't like clowns. I am convinced that if you put a lot of clowns together it can only lead to trouble. Look at the White House for instance, but I digress. I mean clowns are evil. How can you put so many of them in one of those little cars if they didn't possess strange powers. I don't trust them. I think they want to take over the world (again, see the White House). They must be stopped. STAMP OUT CLOWNS!

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 00:09:35 GMT

Are you surrounded by annoying people? I know I am, hell I live in DC. Sometimes you've got to tell them how you feel, but in a nice way. Thank god for "The Happy Bunny"!

The fact that there are wacked people like this in the world just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 22:19:42 GMT

It's Friday so let's get stupid.......... Useless content is good content.

Great street signs ... whether they're real or not (those crazy Canadians).

And would somebody get this guy (?) off of my TV! I like to think I'm open minded but this guy (?) just totally oogs me out!

I think Frank Zappa wrote a song about this - "I am the slime from your video, moving around on your living room floor".
John Prine said it best - "Throw out your TV.." If it wasn't for "The Sopranos" I might consider it!

If it's Friday there must be quizzes!

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?

You are Pedro Sanchez and love holy chips.

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

What kind of Sixties Person are you?

You are a Folkie. Good for you.

What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 03:53:03 GMT

I give myself an award!

MYSTERY CARROT AWARD
for website adequacy

Fri, 13 May 2005 11:49:33 GMT

Don't know why .....
Just woke up feelin' kinda evil today. I blame bush, but then I always blame bush.

Fri, 06 May 2005 00:57:05 GMT

Based on what you've read here so far what kind of car do you think I drive?

1. Honda Accord
2. BMW 325i
3. Subaru Outback
4. Saab 900
5. Acura Integra
6. VW Passat

Sun, 01 May 2005 01:37:52 GMT

Emo redux ......

Remember the comedian Emo Phillips? My friend Bill brought him up and so I'm looking for good Emo quotes. Got any?

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash."

"...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 18:32:46 GMT

emo ....

Thanks to Snidge I now have a clue to what emo is and what it is is not me. I apparently am the antithesis of emo. I do wear an earring but my earring of choice is so not emo. That's about as close as I get. Everyone you've ever seen working at Tower Records looks emo, multiple piercings, multiple earrings , tattoos, black glasses, t-shirts (preferably black) with heavy duty graphics or long ago cartoon characters, gap jeans with the cuffs rolled up, canvas sneakers, etc. I am completely unfamiliar with the music associated with this style as well. You name a band associated with emo and I will have never heard of them, except for the Shins. I used to think I was fairly current culturally but I now realize that I am not even close. I have negative emo-osity. There is probably a law against being emo if you're over 30. Since I am way beyond that I would probably end up in jail or just be considered a complete asshole. emo people would never want to stand within 10 feet of me for fear that my non-emo vibe would rub off on them making them way less cool and a social pariah to boot, no longer able to set foot in the trendy clubs. We wouldn't want that to happen.

Here are some links Snidge sent for my education. See if you have any emo in you.

Take this quiz first:             quizilla.com/users/bob-a-roo/quizzes/
Here's a kit you can buy:    www.sykospark.net/emo/appearance.html
Here's how to dress emo for guys and girls:   www.dobi.nu/emo/

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 22:30:03 GMT

Snidge done stuck me!

What follows is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you).

Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three other bloggers.

Here's that list:

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a backup dancer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a midget stripper...
If I could be a proctologist...
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be a judge...
If I could be a Jedi...
If I could be a mob boss...

If I could be an innkeeper... I'd want to be one at a villa in Tuscany and of course I'd need to have a well rounded knowledge of the area's vineyards.

If I could be a musician... I would like to be a Richard Thompson like guitar wizard who writes great songs about bummer subjects.

If I could be a Jedi... I would be gettin' medieval on the forces of the Dark Side in DC.

If I could be a psychologist... then I wouldn't have to pay for one.

If I could be a TV-Chat Show host...I'd only invite Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, and Ann Coulter on and I'd spend the whole show mocking them with a Bill Maher like wit and not letting them get a word in ever.

If I could be a scientist... I'd, oh wait I am a scientist.

Batter Up:

Birdie because I think I know how she'd answer 2 of them, I could be wrong
Nancy because she likes quizzes
Katya because she's from Texas

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 11:05:00 GMT

Secrets of the Conclave revealed!

Fox "news" reports that the College of Cardinals actually do stare at a pizza in search of an image of the new Pope. The pizza is from the "Holy Pizza of Antioch Cafe". Said one Cardinal, It's just down the street and they deliver! Father Guido Sarducci could not be reached for comment.

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 22:26:48 GMT

POPE 2005 – Decision at the Vatican

Things appear to be getting ugly in the battle for Pope reports Fox "news".

Guido Sarducci (Italy) has been accused of reading "The DaVinci Code" and really liking it, calling it a "gripping page-turner". This has definitely hurt his credibility with the more hard line Cardinals. This story was reportedly leaked by someone known only as Monsignor Rove who works behind the scenes in the Christoph Schoenborn (Austria) camp.

Dionigi Tettamanzi (Italy) supporters have been reportedly using strong arm tactics and voter intimidation at the ballot box. There have been reports of Cardinals being told that they could be sent back to the hell-hole countries that they came from if they tried to vote.

Francis Arinze of Nigeria has been allegedly involved in the sending out of spam emails asking for help in moving $24 million belonging to his dead Uncle out of Nigeria and into the US. Monsignor Rove has been linked to this story as well.

Long shot Ted Crilly (Ireland) was reported to have placed a 50 Euro bet on himself with the Irish bookies at 1000 to 1 to become Pope. Cardinals were unsure whether this would disqualify Crilly from becoming Pope and whether he could be banned from the Vatican Hall of Fame.

As for some of the other non-European candidates one Cardinal was overheard saying “A Pope from South or Central America, yeah right, like that would ever happen.” As for Ivan Dias of India an unnamed Cardinal said “They’ve got over a billion people there, we had to at least pick a candidate for show.”

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 00:09:22 GMT

The scene – two fifteen-year olds meeting, about 15 years from now. (inspiration from Colleen)

Warning - This may not be appropriate for anybody!

#1: Dude!

#2: Hey dude, what’s up?

#1: Just thinking.

#2: What about?

#1: You know, life ‘n’ stuff.

#2: Dude, that’s deep.

#1: Yeah, guess cause I went to therapy today.

#2: So what, everybody goes.

#1: Found this book old of pictures. (sigh)

#2: Of what?

#1: My Mom.

#2: Cool.

#1: No man, it’s kinda weirding me out.

#2: No shit, let’s check it out.

#1: I don’t know.

#2: C’mon.

#1: Okay.

#2: You’re Mom was a singer?

#1: Yeah, can you believe it.

#2: Which one is she?

#1: The one with the snake.

#2: Dude, that’s fucked up! She’s kinda hot though!

#1: Fuck you asshole, it gets worse.

#2: Who’s the dork in the hat?

#1: Don’t know, I think it’s my father.

#2: You don’t look like him.

#1: Well Mom wasn’t sure. (sigh)

#2: Jesus, no wonder you’re in therapy dude.

#1: Bite me, it gets worse.

#2: Ugh! What the hell is that? Who’s the mutant?.

#1: Some perv.

#2: Man, I'm gonna have nightmares. You’re Mom hung out with a perv?

#1: I think just for this picture. He got his ass thrown in jail. From what I was able to find out he got into a fight in jail, somebody hit him and his face fell off.

#2: Gross!

#1: Yeah, I know, I think they killed him to put him out of his misery, besides he was a perv.

#2: Still.

#1: Weird. (sigh)

#2: Your Mom was a hooker too?

#1: Shut up asshole, those were her stage costumes.

#2: She still looks like a hooker dude.

#1: Yeah I know. (sigh)

#2: She had a navel ring!, dude, no one does that anymore. I can't believe she gave you shit about the tattoo!

#1: Yeah go figure.

#2: Can you wear one of those when you’re pregnant.

#1: I thought about that and decided I didn’t what to know.

#2: Hey how come her boobs are so much bigger in these pictures than in the other ones?

#1: Fuck you, you’re talking about my Mom!

#2: Sorry dude, weird.

#1: Yeah I know, weird. Wish I’d never seen this. (sigh)

* pictures from WireImage.com

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 01:35:45 GMT

BREAKING NEWS

Insiders at the Vatican say the leading contender for Pope is

Father Guido Sarducci

Said one Cardinal, "With the decline of Catholicism around the world we knew that what we needed was someone who the youth of the world could relate to, someone who could bring them back into the fold. The Rock critic for the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Father Sarducci, was just the ticket". "Catholics are getting old these days" the unnamed Cardinal said, "we need to reach out to the young." Father Guido is leaning towards Pope Mick I as his name or maybe Keith.

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 16:16:03 GMT

Makes Me Want To Sing.....

What a beautiful day it is, nice and warm, not a cloud in the clear blue sky. The magnolia and cherry trees are blooming and daffodils are everywhere. Ouzo and I had a great walk, everything seems perfect, almost too perfect. Hmmmm, better check. Yep, still a cynical bastard. Scared myself for a minute. "SNEEZE", now where's the damn Claritin?

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 04:55:23 GMT

The Last Word, Really!

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 02:48:16 GMT

One Last Word

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 23:12:34 GMT

Bumper Stickers

I was driving home today and I spotted these bumper stickers on the car ahead of me:
“Atheism Cures Religious Terrorism” and
“Religion – keeps the poor from murdering the rich”.
I think there’s a message he’s trying to get across. Don’t think dubya would approve.

Which is the perfect segue to The Pope! I was reading in the paper this morning that in Ireland (what great lads!) you can bet on who the new Pope will be and what name he’ll choose. I’m assuming it’ll be a he. The leading contender is an Italian, an Irishman is a 1000 to 1 shot, blast. Las Vegas bookies said they would not stoop to betting on such novelty. Good thing Vegas has such high moral values because remember, what happens in Vegas ……

I would like to see the Dali Lama chosen, he’s already a “His Holiness”, he’s a pretty good moral leader, has a good worldview, written a few good books, might be able to pull the Catholic church out of the 17^th century. There is that problem of him being a Buddhist and that his anti-materialistic views might cause him to want to sell off some of the church’s treasure in order to help the poor but we could work around that, besides he’s already got the robes and the pope hat would just be smashing. He’d need to have a name though, Pope Dali Lama probably won’t go over good. The Irish betting pool favors another John Paul but that’s been done, we need something new, “Pope George Ringo” maybe. Not getting that I’d settle for a Pope Ralph or a Pope Fred.