Dear Ouzo – The Advice Column for Dogs (and the occasional human). 
You want me up to do what!
Dear Ouzo,
I just can’t seem to get the attention of the Greyhound next store. I love the way he walks, so sleek and fluid, what a stud. He’s just so hot but I can’t seem to get the time of day with him. He’s always off looking at squirrels and stuff.
Frustrated Fluffy.
Dear FF,
Have you tried rolling in something that smells really bad? Otherwise I would suggest sniffing his butt or maybe peeing on a bush nearby.
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Dear Ouzo,
There’s this little Jack Russell Terrier that is driving me nuts. No matter what I do it won’t leave me alone, always yipping and running around in circles like an Freakin' Idiot. What do I do to get rid of this pest.
Worn out Weimaraner
Dear WoW,
Have you tried sniffing his butt. If that doesn’t work try stepping on him or maybe peeing on his head.
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Dear Ouzo,
I went to the vets the other day and I came back, I don’t know, different. I’m not sure what happened but I just don’t feel the same and when I lick myself something seems to be missing. I’m just not myself right now, what should I do.
Not So Great Dane
Dear NSGD,
Dude you’ve been tutored (apologies Gary Larsen). At least they could’ve given you prosthetic ping pong balls. Get used to it, the bitches aren’t headed your way anymore. Go sniff some butt, it’ll make you feel better.
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Dear Ouzo,
Should I let my dog determine the men I should date?
A Human
Dear A Human,
Yes. If your dog doesn't like them then dump 'em. But sniff their butt first if you’re not sure.
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Dear Ouzo,
What are the new fashions we'll be seeing on dogs this summer?
Another Human
Dear AH,
Buck naked and proud!
Send in your questions to "Dear Ouzo".
9:49:51 PM 
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