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Monday, May 23, 2005 |
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In pursuance of title nine of the US code regarding litigation and all the codes in accordance of the aforementioned it seems prudent that such matters discussed in your previous letter are now subject to the manner of the law in the state where you reside. However as you may be aware, section four, clause three of executive order 2180 regarding H.R. 3143 overrides archaic H.R. 230 which presently invalidates paragraph 18, sub-paragraph three in reference to your testimony presented at the Vista courthouse on the 3rd of April, 2005. Should you wish to save your dilapidated conviction on nullifidian's it is recommended that a good Samaritan would revoke such self-righteous comments until such time as that any hyperbole would not be reference in a court of law. Noticeably your paradoxical allusion to the foregoing remark was abominable and henceforth was the focal point of much emotional distress of said clientele.
Who can totally write law-sounding junk? I can. Hell yes. With of course a little help from a friend. |
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Sunday, May 22, 2005 |
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On thursday of last week my ex-girlfriend, Melinda called me (as I was waiting in line for episode III) and asked me for help regarding a video conferencing problem of hers. Now, this was strange in two regards: one, I know NOTHING about ichat (chatting software that comes with our macs), and two, we hadn't spoken on the phone or through any medium for almost eight months I think. I tried to help her with her problem but was unsuccessful in assisting her with her problem. On friday she instant messaged me and asked what I was doing on saturday and whether or not I should enjoy doing something with her.
Admittedly I was anxious to see her again and perhaps amend whatever little friendship we still had left. We agreed to see episode III again and that was that.
Saturday morning rolled around and I became Mr. Clean-up-things-I-have-never-cleaned-up-before. I really wanted to make a good impression so that she wouldn't think I didn't care at all about her and would perhaps not hate me (honestly, why she started to hate me I will never know). My room was clean when she finally came over and I made sure that I was dressed quasi-naice. I wanted to look casual but like I had dressed up some for her. I even wore my favorite/only pinstriped pants, how nice am I? I knew that she was coming over with her laptop to install Tiger (new apple OS) that I had previously gotten so I was expecting her to come with some sort of luggage. I was taken aback to find that her appearance was something less than what I remembered. Perhaps she was having a bad fashion day but it almost seemed like she had dressed down for me. However I did not show any disappointment at this first because it would have been childish to do so, and second because I really wanted her to think highly of me and really wanted us to be friends again.
We began installing Tiger in my room where it was clean and all the disks were already situated. We had a little chat about what each other was up too and she was being very nice and cheerful and was full of compliments. At about 6:30 we left for the movie and I took care to not show my fear of dying as she hurled along the freeway at speeds unsafe for that evening.
We arrived to find no line for the movie yet so we went to some chinese place for dinner. Now I didn't eat because I make it a point never to eat in front of other people unless I have too. I did however pay for her meal since she didn't have cash on her and they only accept cash. Our conversation was somewhat light over dinner and I was taken aback as time and time again she referred to her boyfriend and the things they did together. Not that I mind hearing about her life mind you, I just prefer not to know she was naked and looking for a shirt in front of her new boyfriend that morning. Particulary since she virtually dumped me to go out with him.
I tried to counteract her statements by telling her about some girl I was deeply in love by dropped that facade just as quickly as I had picked it up.
We took our seats in the theater and actually had a nice conversation with the marines in front of us until the movie started. I suppose I would have really enjoyed the movie had the kip next to not been crying, Melinda not been leaving to keep answering her phone and the kid behind me not kicking my seat.
By the time the night was over I got the sense Melinda didn't care about me really at all. I felt as though my efforts to please her had gone unnoticed and that the real reason she came over was just to get Tiger. Oh joy.
In a sadistic view I suppose I can take pleasure in knowing that she has put on weight. |
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Saturday, May 21, 2005 |
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Sexual fantasy's are perhaps something that is already common to most everybody who has sexual organs, and perhaps those who do not as well. We all know that they can be fun to think about entertaining to entertain the possibility of ever going through with them. But is it healthy to act upon these feelings? Can one even go further to ask whether or not they stay as fantasy's after they have been acted out at least one time in some manner?
I should think that only if you are in a relationship (depending upon your fantasy) should you ever even consider such an idea. Think of the harm, say a rape fantasy would do in the mind of someone not dating who could not control him/herself? Not only would such an instance be devastating to the victim but also potentially to the aggressor in the situation as well (emotional scars).
Disregarding a nonexistent relationship for a moment, what are the implications of wishing to act out a sexual fantasy when your partner does not? Can one possibly justify continuing with it then? Perhaps convince your partner or even take on an additional one to accomplish such a task? With no doubt the effects where would be as far reaching as those of the non-relationship sexual fantasy taker. |
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Thursday, May 19, 2005 |
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Having just recieved the most dreadful news this morning I am in a state of shock. Now, lets face it, I don't like myspace so I found this funny at the sametime as sick so I was feeling ambivalence there. In any case it seems as though ABC has determined that roughly 40% of all the users on myspace.com (blogs) are pediophiles and elderly men. How creepy is that? Yeah, I guess all those hot highschool "girls" you have been chatting with secretely have a little something extra to show you. eww. Also, Star Wars rocks. Yeah I saw episode III last night and waited for four hours outside to see it. It was so freaking worth it. I got rockawesome seats; you know, the kind where you don't sit in the crummy seats way up front but no one can sit in front of you. Oh yeah.
Finally, this week I have decided that I am not in a "girly" mode. In fact, I feel totally like a man right now. I don't know why. Perhaps thats because I am so sleepy, but lets face it, that doesn't explain the earlier part of the week now does it? |
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005 |
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A brief note before I immerse myself standing in line for over three hours to see the movie I have waited 17 and 11/12 years to see. F**k the idjit who decided it would be cool/funny to stand up my sister! What a jerk! Honestly, she's remarkably attractive, hilarious, intelligent, sexy, and available. What would make you want to stand up someone like that?! And I don't mean that she's attractive in that way I mean when I tell overweight people that they aren't overweight. She is really a stunning woman.
So thats your loss Dirk, Dick, or whatever the hell your name was. |
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005 |
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You're one of my favorite people Jonas (thats what I named myself here)
Anyway, back to my main title, I think I felt two distinct emotions today: love and longing. Longing for what I cannot have, and love for people who make this world such a wonderful place to be. |
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Monday, May 16, 2005 |
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Possibly one of the hardest things for me to do is accept criticism. No matter what it is for: spelling, dancing, homework, classwork, friends, you name it. A down fall of mine you could suppose. The only reason I brought up that comment about my shortcomings is that I also know I slouch, and I wish I didn't. I honestly make an effort not to but I can't seem to help it. Someone pointed that out to me today and said I would look 100% better if I just pulled back my shoulders when I dance. I am glad they told me so I know what to do, it just bothers me that I do it. I have been trying (off and on) for years to stop but I can't. Do you know why? It's because I am uncomfortable with how I look so I try to hide it by slouching. Honest truth right there. Its rather a superfulous action now being as that I am "trim". It's just an old habbit that drives me nuts.
In fact, I was doing it as I wrote this until I caught myself. |
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Sunday, May 15, 2005 |
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Goodness Gracious! I had entirely forgotten how utterly bizarre it feels to shave your legs! They feel so... naked. No kidding, it feels like my legs are naked even though I have on pants over them. I know from past experiences that today is not a good day to go to the beach (I don't have a swimsuit anyway and I have never liked the idea of nude beaches) because it stings on your legs. Why this happens I'll never know. Thats me for you! I could tell you all about Kepler's laws on plantery motion but I can't tell you why my legs feel naked or sting when I go into the ocean with them. Also, Just because I have never been to sure of this: are guys supposed to shave their armpits? A little? not at all? always? I never thought about it until quite recently actually and I have pondered it perhaps a tad too much.
It is also worth mentioning that while I can apperantly condone drinking beyond excess I cannot stop myself from throwing up. Granted I was able to stop for almost two full weeks I think, but I just did it again today. Maybe this was a fluke and won't happen again. I'm trying not too, but I am just so concerned that I will too large to make a sucessful transition into an approachable woman next year. |
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A sex change would be new something really unique but would it appropriate, for the shy and the meek?
I might go through with it
The feeling would be new
but what of me?
I like being me,
I could sit back |
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Gosh, I feel terrible in that: "I didn't update my blog yesterday and I was hoping to update it everyday for at least two weeks" way. Oh well, I guess we all need time off here and there. You know, while at Barnes and Noble the other day picking out books to read I was wondering if I pile on educational tasks so that I won't think about what I really want to be. I mean, I bought five books on Anthropology, philosophy , odd facts, and Latin. All of course in my favorite fields of study (is odd facts even an area of study?, I think not), but It does take up my time reading them. Well, reading them and immersing myself in a Star Wars video game on my computer if you want to get technical, and of course you do. the only times during the day I devote to thinking about what my heart calls for is whenever I update this blog, and late at night (usually around 12 or 1am). Then I try to justify this by reassuring myself that I was busy reading, eating, or doing some other lame and boring task. that just doesn't seem right to me now. I know that its great to learn all about the realationship in architecture between the Myan's buildings and those discovered at Tectihuacan, but in reality how is this going to make me a happy adult? Actually, I just think I think too much. Maybe this week I can try to shut off my brain (schools almost over anyway) and just concentrate on how I am feeling. Changing topics rather abruptly, is it healthy, or rather, common for people to be concerned about what others think about them to a large degree? I know that it shouldn't shape your life, but I feel as though my happiness can be tied to the happiness of those around me. Lets relate this to a sex change eh? Okay, say I go through with a sex change but still look at least in some regard male. I would never want to go through with a sex change then. That would be the biggest mistake fo my life, I know it would. and what would other think of me then? I would be shunned from respectable socitey and cast aside. I would be third rate citizen, a freak to many. What point would there be in going through a sex change then? Happiness that I have fulfilled my lifes dream? Ha! As if, I could never live with myself then. But say I don't go through a sex change and would I then regret it for the rest of my life? Probably. I suppose that I will never know until I try. But of course as I stated: The issue at hand is as to whether or not the ends here will justify the means. Why throw my life away now to a possible upsetting existence? You know, I think I should be more happy and upbeat with myself. People who know me in person always comment what I cheerful person I am, and if I could make myself as happy as I do others I would be estatic.
As I right in assuming that you're always your own harshest critic? I think so. |
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Friday, May 13, 2005 |
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est deus in nobis. I have found him, have you? Or should I say that I have realized his presence that has never left me, I only choose to ignore him for too long. Perhaps interfering in Gods will was not meant to be done? I have been an advocate pressing against Human cloning with the exception for preserving those already alive. Creating new life was not endowed to me, who is to say that I can act assuming I have such power? Perhaps becoming reborn would be a faux pas.
posse videor |
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Thursday, May 12, 2005 |
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The story will apparently have to wait as I, the procrastinator decides to wait a tad longer before he posts his riviting story. Bear with me on this people. I swear it will come ASAP. Right now I am just trying to understand a dance I learned the other that is so freakishly hard. No joke. You try learning over half of a hip-hop dance and dance it perfectly the next day. It just can't be done I tell you.
Cheers |
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005 |
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I sit across from her I math. One of those incredibly magical people in the world who are just beautiful to look at and who seem to brighten the room with their smiles. I do not know what she has to do to be the way she is but I envy her for it. I am not exaggerating when I say she has a body that some supermodels would kill for, she has an impeccable sense of style, she has a very feminine attitude, a charming smile, is brilliant at math even if it takes her a tad longer to grasp some concepts and is the sort of woman that any man would likely lust after. I suppose you could say I too lust after her but only in the sense that I think "wow, I could be like that someday". She is obviously very genuine and what you see is not all there is to her. She is brilliant in her own regard, and of that I am certain. She sits in class with her legs crossed just so and there is always a faint hint of a smile on her face even if none is present. I have never seen her upset and she always knows just when to laugh. Now, I think I know what you are thinking: "wow this guy is a total stalker" but that is simply not true. I simply observe what I see and that goes for all people. It is just impossible not to be impressed with her. In fact I sometimes wonder if it is even possible for me ever to look and act in a similar fashion to her. Lets face it right now I am totally laid back on my couch and in a wrinkly shirt after sitting like this for some time. I do not always have a smile on my face, I do not walk in a feminine manner, nor do I wear tight pants that accentuate my butt if you want to get technical. It is simply a great desire of mine to be just like this girl. She in my mind is the very image of what transgender people have when they think of what life might be like as a woman. Now that raises a question: What the heck happened to all those transgender people who now do not look like her? My only guess is that they did not work hard enough to achieve what they wanted to. I know some transsexuals who do look like her and who are indeed perfect in their own right and I know that someday I too can begin to look like them. I realize transitions like these take plenty of time and I am willing to wait at least a year before I notice anything that even begins to resemble the girl in my math class. That is why as of right now (well, actually six my time which is nine on the east coast, and in eighteen minutes) I will begin to take steps in that general direction. I will consciously make an effort to do things just a little less manly and will work on creating a very slightly feminine appearance on my outside (smile etc.). Who know, maybe by the end of the school year I might even notice these changing aspects myself.
Here's hoping the best! |
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The amazing thing about matrices. (yes even I can stray from the beaten path for a moment) Lets pretend that you are... like me! And you want to send someone a secret message (not a massage mind you) and you want to tell them you want to be a girl. Well now you can! Its so nifty and only takes a few minutes to learn even if you know nothing about matrices. Lets say I want to encode this message: "I want to be a girl". First things first: you make A=1, B=2, and so one making any space a 0. So the message now becomes this: 9,0,23,1,14,20,0,20,15,0,2,5,0,1,0,7,9,18,12,0,0. Now you put them into what is known as a 1x3 (or a one by three) which is a matrix in which it has one row and three columns to make: [9 0 23] [1 14 20] [0 20 15] [0 2 5] [0 1 0] [7 9 18] [12 0 0]. Now it gets simple. All you do is make ANY-yup you can make one up here- 3x3 matrix. This means that it has three rows and three columns and there are 9 numbers in it. For arguments sake I will mine looks like this: [[0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8]] Now I simply multiply each individual matrix by my 3x3 to get: [138 170 202] [162 197 232] [150 185 220] [36 43 50] [3 4 5] [135 169 203] [0 12 24] and guess what?! You cannot decode this message unless you have the inverse matrix and you can only get that by having the original matrix. That means no one else can ever know what you have written. It makes no sense to anyone at all without the original matrix. In tomorrows posting I will show you how to decode this matrix.
*I know my 3x3 doesn't look like it has 3 rows and three columns but in fact it should the weblog software wouldn't post it the way I wrote it. Just write it with the 3 starting a new row and the 6 starting a new row as well. |
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Why some days you feel like a woman and others you feel like a total guy I can never figure out. Right now I feel totally manly (well, as manly as I can be). And why that is... I have no clue. Perhaps its because I took a HUGE government test today (AP test) that took up almost 4 hours of my life. Phew! Glad that is over and done with. Or perhaps its because I have a headache right now? Your guess is as good as mine I am sure. Oh I know! It must be when I think an insane amount about math. Because I did do that today and in fact had a rather plesant conversation with my math teacher today about the future of Social Secureity (no joke there). But in all reality I have no idea why my thoughts on a sex change fluxate so wildly in one day as opposed to another.
Oh and for those of you who were waiting- A new story will be up either tonight or tomorrow morning! |
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Tuesday, May 10, 2005 |
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Hmmmmmmm. I just heard the most interesting upon interesting of news today. Unkown sources today have confirmed that a certain gentleman (not me!) member in one of my schools many dance classes has not one but two identities. The one everyone (well, most everyone) knows him by is Adam but a few others know him as Michelle as well. Allegedly he dresses up in womens clothes on the weekend and walks around LA. What is doing down there, I am not to sure, but I would hate to jump to any conclusions.
I feel bad for him because I do not believe that he is well liked, and in fact I know that he is not. Perhaps this is due to his odd behavior. Myself, I relaize why other people would find it odd, but I think its great that he can express himself so freely. I know others- such as myself- cannot because we are simply to shy to. So kudos to you Adam, and heres hoping that you aren't doing anything semi-illegal on these escapades! |
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To demonstrate just how similar all kinds of people are in their mannerisms; at least we all start off the same... sort of. It was a hot and humid Indiana summers day as the white, 1987 Subaru cruised down Monroe St. and turned onto College Ave. It was only my mother, sister (Ashley), and myself in the car being as that our parents had been through a rather unfortunate divorce earlier that year and we were now in our mother's custody. I attempted to stay cool by rolling down my window all the way but it was of little use. My butt stuck like glue to my Umbro shorts and they in turn stuck to all the McDonald's fries that had been in between the seats. The car didn't have AC; either it didn't come with it or it was broken- probably the latter, we had been in an accident just last week. Thankfully the hand crank on the windows still worked so I wouldn't sweat my life away in that car. I remember Ashley sat on my left and I had fun poking her too see her reaction. She didn't like it all that much. Ashley is two years and one month older than myself and she has always liked to make sure I knew she was older and stronger than me at all points in my life; so I would piss her off every chance I could get- and this was totally one of those moments. As I prodded and poked into my sisters side I hardly noticed as the car rolled into the parking lot of our local grocery store: Mr. D's. As we pulled into the parking lot it became painfully evident just how much I missed the wind slapping my face and in its place the heat began make the sweat drip off my forehead and on my hands. Can't say that I enjoyed it all that much. In fact it seemed as though no one did. Our mother began increasingly edgy as we pulled into a parking space and I knew she would not be taking us with her this time. Not that it was all that uncommon, mom often preferred to leave us alone for a few minutes instead of risking a fiasco by taking us both into a store with her. She parked and turned around to face us both "I want you both to behave yourself's ya'hear?" Yes, she still did have her southern accent back then. She then left the car to do a quick grab of groceries. Phew was I hot! The sun was convently placed on my side of the car and the heat just poured inside. I couldn't stand it any longer. I needed to take my own action or I knew I would never feel better.
I undid my seat belt that prevented me from doing anything that might endanger my life, but seeing as we were parked I didn't think we would get into any accidents. With my window down and my seatbelt off I stood up with the car and pulled down my pants ( I was only 6 mind you) and proceeded to stick my shiny white bum out of the car window.
"Come and look at my naked butt!" I coerced to anyone who might have been grateful enough to be in the parking lot as I did this. Needless to say it did not take long before it generated some attention. About three minutes my mother came storming out off the market and slapped my butt hardly as she got into the drivers seat and proceeded to reprimand me. It wasn't until later that I learned they broadcast my unfortunate episode over the stores intercom alerting all shoppers as to what I was doing in a white Saturn.
True, I did not enjoy the spanking that followed, but it sure made for some funny laughs down the road. |
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Monday, May 9, 2005 |
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Things are not always as they seem I have noticed in the past that after I have finished masturbating, I tend to have my greatest epiphanies and I want my sex change more after thirty minutes or so after I have finished. My question is: why is this so? My only thought is that the testosterone levels in my body are returning to normal and are possibly lower (maybe) after I am done masturbating? I have no idea honestly. Does anyone else have a similar experience?
Is there a doctor in the house? Is there perhaps a doctor out there who could answer my question?
Thanks |
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How Pretty Would You Be if You Got a Sex Change? Damn Sexy, thats what. But! Heres the thing: Are you thinking short term, long term, or some term in between. I'll will be honest with you and perhaps you will be honest with me. (thats right, I like comments! don't be shy!) when I think about my impending- wow sounds like an armageddon- sex change I am only looking maybe 30 years down the road at best. And it was my fault earlier in life for letting that stop myself. Lets face it, it shouldnt! Thirty years down the road is like forever! I have only been alive for 17 and 11/12 years; why should only looking 30 more years down the road frighten me? It really shouldn't any longer. True I think sagging breasts are disgusting (like those women who are 80 and have..well, never mind). The point is I don't care to know what I would be like when I'm 80 even if I were to stay a guy that entire time. But boy! what a waste of my life that would be if I didn't become a woman at some point eh? Lets review shall we my life plans for the next thirty years of my life? Yes, lets. Hmmm, nothing comes to mind which is my point exactly. The future is mine to write why be inhibited by it before it even comes? Granted some actions need to be taken more slowly than other but in general I plan to live life to its fullest. Speaking of my life, I shall be giving you all a written account of some of the most dearning/funny/worst/and all around amazing moments of my life so far starting tomorrow I think and I hope you all enjoy them. They will of course all be true and all of some signifance, even to you dear readers. Speaking of you my dear readers I would like to thank you for making my first five days here a total sucess! I appear to have a regular audience (no matter how small) and I have been touched by your visits.
Heres hoping you stay along for the ride!
-Rio |
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Japanese Indeed. Japan, one of the worlds most industralized countries does very little to promote women in the workforce and seems to be attempting to limit them as much as possible. Women hold an astonishing 9% of the workforce (compared with 45% in the US) and though constitutionaly considered equal with men have to adhere to an additional set of rules in the workplace. They are also on occasion fired for such reasons as pregnancy! Many women feel therefore the need to have an abortion and not risk losing their jobs! I was astounded to read up on these facts. After all its Japan- one of the most contributing countries in terms of financial aid. How backwards is that? It almost makes me scared to want to become a woman. After all, what place might their be for me? Not that I would even consider moving to Japan but it does bring to light the hard time women still have in the workforce around the world. And if a number of places would first accept the man, where in hell would a transsexual fall on that list? somewhere at the bottom I am sure. Thats a discouraging thought for sure.
Wait and get a job first before you ever get a sex change you may say? I thought about that but I will not go through with one if I am over 30 I have decided. After that age your body does not want to change at all and your change is much less likely to be convincing. That is why I want one relatively soon, If I could go through this change before I am twenty then I would virtually be all set to ensure that people only saw an attractive (or not, who knows?) young lady, not some 40-something man in drag. |
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Its that time of month again, the time when everyone talks about when they first realized who they were. My realization hit me when I was eight years old. My homeroom class was watching a (the?) Power Rangers movie because it was raining outside and not really enjoying it I might add. I was not entertained by it until I saw the pink power ranger. I know now it just sounds funny but I was amazed, I certainly wasn't falling in love with her, I wanted to be her! Every single day for years after that it crossed my mind at least once a day that I wanted to be a girl. Most of the times I only thought about it at night, but quite often as well I would find myself daydreaming about it at school.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not I made a mistake. Lets face it, it's a serious thing to be thinking your transsexual and perhaps I taking it too lightly? But knowing me I am only second guessing myself; I have a habit of doing it really. The way I view it is that if I am going to think I wanted to be a girl for ten years now, that would probably imply something there. That's even what I told my counselor a while ago as well. Before I changed my mind for a while that is. |
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Sunday, May 8, 2005 |
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Name change: $50; SRS (sex reassignment surgery): $10,000; Getting your birth certificate changed: priceless. "The United States law on this issue varies from state to state, since the issuance of birth certificates and the recognition of marriages are largely state matters. Several courts have come to the conclusion that sex reassignments are not to be recognized for the purpose of marriage, including courts in Ohio, Texas and New York. Other courts (including courts in Kansas and New Jersey) have recognized the reassignments. Most U.S. states permit the name and sex to be changed on a birth certificate, either through amending the existing birth certificate or by issuing a new one. But Idaho, Ohio and Tennessee refuse to permit a change of sex, and Florida will not even change the name. California will amend birth certificates only for California natives currently living in California. However, on August 2, 2003, California joined Minnesota, Rhode Island and New Mexico (as well as New York City) in expanding legal protection from discrimination to include gender identity or expression, which may aid transsexuals in future cases in these jurisdictions." Makes me happy and proud that I live in California. You know I just got back from the movies with a friend of mine and was pondering just how much importance I put into ones appearance. Probably more than I should, but for me it is of the most importance. Why I ask you, would you go though a sex change if people could still tell that you were once male? As for me, I would plan on being so damn convincing I could fool my own mother. Well, actually I would be happy to just fool my father and others, my mom notices everything.
And then when I think about issues like these I think I could never be convincing and almost give up on it entirely. Lets face it, who in their right mind would ever want to go out with someone like me if I went through a sex change? I dunno. Maybe I just need some endorphins from chocolate. I heard they make you feel better. |
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I made my mother a very nice card today for mothers day and I also got her one of my favorite books of all time. I try to give gifts that really mean something, especially if the person receiving the gift has been of the utmost help to me. So I suppose that I would just like to take this minute to give a nice word out to my mother. Without her, well... I mean I suppose that I never would have been born, but what I am trying to say is that my mother has been there with me at every turn and I love her sooooo much for it.
I love you Mom! |
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You just don't get it, do you? I must have told a total of ten (10) people that I am considering becoming a transsexual, and I was stunned at each ones reaction. The reaction was one of mild surprise, but no concern, or empathy. Their reactions are akin to me saying: "I'm gay but I prefer straight women". No one cares because nothing is apparently at risk; your reputation and your life are safe. But when you are questioning your sexual identity such as myself, you realize that people like you are killed because of who you are. I realize that there are gay hate crimes committed on practically a daily basis, but it regretfully overshadows the fear, and discrimination that a much smaller group faces in a more dangerous way. To often have I been pulled aside to have comments such as: "you fucking fag, you're nuthin but a damn little pansy". It's really not fun, and yes words do hurt, even when you don't know why the idiot pulled you aside to say them to you. You ask yourself what you ever did to him and you come up blank. It just scares me to know that in comparison by numbers of the sizes of groups, transgender people are killed way to often. As far as I am concerned, once is too often. I like life and I intend to keep on living it. I swear I would never coax you into having sex with me; I can't even have sex now I'm too scared to have it. To let you in on a little secret I became queasy every time I became physical with my last girlfriend; I mean that I got sick to my stomach and would almost throw up. She was nice in my book to stay with me during that (I would keep it on the down low though, that I became sick I mean- she never really found out about it).
If I keep my distance from you and would never do anything under false pretences, why am I, and people like me hated for what we are? |
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Saturday, May 7, 2005 |
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By defination, sissy means effeminate or cowardly. As an adjective it can also mean feeble. So then why do a plethora of porn sites refer to transsexuals as "sissies" used of course in conjuction with several explicatives? It seems to me that the defination of the word has been changed through popular usage to mean something than otherwise would normaly be intended. I know that the word also fits in some way to the senario in which it is used, but I still hold the thought that the word is not being used right. Does anyone else agree with me on this matter? Or should I start looking at my cat (who is named sissy) in a more provactive manner? I really don't want too, but I don't want to be accused of using words wrongly either- after all one of my aspirations is too be an english teacher later in life. That or a historin, I really can't decide. * I feel the need to add that I can't stand those self-proclaimed porn stars who become "she-males" in order to promote their promiscuous behavior. I feel as though they give actual transgender people a harder time in life because now they give a reason for a straight/or even gay person to formulate an opinion about people like me before they even meet us. Added on top of that, can an educational institution discriminate based opon someones sexual identity? I won't be applying to Brigham-Young University or another religious school to teach so you can rule those out, but what of State Universities? Also, with college being next year I had thought that the possibility of starting a new life so to speak would be great; and at the very least if I decided that I didn't want to live as a woman could say I tried it and would know in my heart that it wasn't right for me and never poner the question of whether or not I sould have spent time living as my desired sex. Plus then I could use the old cliche "don't knock it 'till you've tried it". However, within its own right this raises several questions: the first being of course where would I stay? I had thought the dorms before, but that seems somewhat unlikely if I would be trying to pass myself off as a woman. I know that if I go off to college where my dad is he would make me stay in the dorms and that would just be a fiasco in itself, especially if he were ever to see in in...different clothing than he might be used to. Plus, lets add in here the costs of clothes; I am not the richest person in the world and while I may be somewhat well off, I do know if I can afford an entire new wardrobe. Maybe I can try to get some cash out of my mom for this matter. For the record my mother and sisters are the only members of my family who know about my true feelings and nature so if you were wondering why my father doesn't understand me better, that is why. Also, for those of you new to the idea of someone changing their sex, it is more complicated than just putting on a skirt and shirt and walking around in 4" heels. Unless you look like a woman to begin with chances are you would fall when you first started walking in those heels and you would look much too masculine and would be spotted for what you are right away. You need hormones to change your appearance, therapy even before that, and of course a more feminine way of acting towards others. I have been to a therapist and was offered hormones almost 6 months ago but I refused them at the time, I was just too darn scared to go through my change at that time. So I waited and now I am thinking that I want them again so that I can be ready to pass myself off as a woman in college. As for feminine mannerisms, I am confidant that with time I can aquire some; right now the best I can do is a half-assed gay man impersonation when I want to be a smart ass in front of my friends. As I write this, a thought occurs: Is it possible that I could have some female clothes and in college wear them when my roomate is not around, and in between classes? I have a pretty good idea of where my father is on occasion and I could try to be on the opposite side of town that he is on. So, for those of you in college, is that a possibility that is just crazy enough to work?
One final question as well: are people in college nice enough that most would be at least somewhat understading of myself do you think, or would have the common sense to not harass me if they ever found out? Or are they like people in high school? |
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Mothers day weekend, where the need to spoil our mothers silly for all the things they have ever done to us comes to mind. Myself, I am behind as usual with buying my mother her gift but needless to say I will think of the perfect gift and make sure that I have gotten it by this evening. Speaking about mothers day makes me question my own future. What about kids for me? I have no idea; I have never liked kids all that much when I am constantly surrounded by them, but I may want them someday. That leaves some interesting thoughts and choices for me. If I ever went through with this radical change, would I have frozen my sperm before hand so that I could potentially marry a woman and have children? But what is to say that a woman with lesbian tendancies (obviously the woman who I would end up marrying) would even want kids, let alone having her own as opposed to adoption? Adoption I know is a great thing to do but I have never been to partial to the idea myself, I always thought that if I was going to have them I might as well have my own. So then what happens if I marry a guy?! Adoption is my only option unless we do that 'give his sperm to someone else to have our kid' thing. Even if the kid issue were not one that I was considering, who is even to say that marrying a transgendered person is even within the realm of reality for so many people? I could certaintly not expect anyone else to be comfortable with the idea when I find it a tad awkard myself. Wow, I get as squeamish on this issue as I do with with dissecting a frog, how fun.
But as long as I am talking about babies, I will tell you that I love the name Jonas and would like to name my first boy that, and as for the first girl, I suppose it would have to be Sandra, but it is unfortunate that neither of those names fit with my last name. |
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My ex-girlfriend (as of almost one month ago now) called me late last evening to talk to me about my health and general well being. If I actually liked talking about this sort of thing to others I might have really been touched by her concern, however all I mainly was, was upset that I had to sit through another lecture from her. I know that sounds terrible that I can't accept help or advice even from my friends but its the truth. I have this great need to do everything on my own and only accept help if I have to or if it suits my interests at the time. While she was talking to me I was very careful to show no signs of being upset and was very nice and responsive on the tele. But jesus! she just would not believe me when I said I could work through my issues. No, she had to bring up everthing I said I did not want to talk about! Generally speaking I am very open with people, in fact I could tell an almost total stranger most of my history if they just asked, but on some subjects I like my privacy. And she just kept prying and prying into them! Added on top of that she would get even more upset when I was reluctant to tell her some things about my personal actions after I am finished eating (I was once throwing up after I ate- see first post). I know that it was just concern but conversations like those only get me worked up to the extent where I do actions like throwing up. She does not seem to understand that though. Perhaps she does not realize how much stress I have been through after our breakup (I say "our", but in fact I broke up with her). Every time I have spoken to her its now feels like I just get more and more worked up and I only started throwing up after we broke up. Partly because I feel as though I cannot tell her how I really feel about myself, our last relationship, and most everything else. Am I just over reacting here or what? To what end is it even common nay natural to feel like this after you break up? I did not do these things after my break up with Melinda, so why now? |
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Friday, May 6, 2005 |
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What a fur filled day I would attest to the notion that my day today was like a dream deferred. It was not exciting, was full of disappointment, and was not rewarding in the least. A very much downer of a day if I do say so myself. And I do. My dance class was, unlike almost every other day not much fun at 'tall. I was in such pain from a screwed up ankle that I had a dickens of a time dancing towards the end of class. Such is life though. The only thing that kept me dancing was that my heart was filled with warm thoughts about the love of my life. That in itself raises another interesting question: If I ever decided to opt for the full sex change would I be a lesbian, bi, or be straight (for a woman that is)? I cannot decide. I think I would be bi, but maybe not. It's a hard thing to figure out. And how pray tell affect any future relationships of mine?
Ugh, straight people secure with their sexual identity have it so easy. |
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Dates, Girlfriends, and the odd thing out. Part II: (its still true!) The womans name I learned was Sheela though of course this had to been made up at the time. I gave my name to them as my own. In reality it is spelled in the womens manner anyway so I really didn't think it made any difference. Plus my name is a unisex name to begin with so I am all covered. The meeting was by far one of the oddest things I had ever been to in my life up to that point and possibly since. Not one person there was even remotely close to my age and that was a dissapointment within itself but beggars can't be choosers eh? The meeting turned out to be everyone introducing themselves and sharing a story whether it be funny, sad, ironic, whatever if they so desired. I of course did not share any stories at the time and instead just sat in my chair watching others eat and I kept on shifting unfortably while my butt grew numb. I left the second the meeting was done and resolved never o go back there again. I was petrified of being associated with these kind of people. Do not get me wrong they were as nice as they come, just odd, very odd in their mannerisms. Getting back to the subject at hand: I called Melinda when I arrived back at my house (roughly 11) and told her how it went and the likes. Our conversation was different though, her one obvious compassion in her voice ws replaced with a slighly cynical tone. Not wishing to hear her in this way I made up some excuse for leaving and ended up retiring to bed only a few minutes later.
Every conversation that we ever had there after always had some small argument embedded in it and our relationship failed just over two weeks after I had gone to the self-help group. I cried and cried after she left me; it was all surreal: the girl of my dreams had just walked out of my life and I did not want to stop loving her though it was apparent that she had stopped loving me. As though I needed to be punished further I found that she became romantically involved with another guy very shortly after we broke up, the same bloke who she had spent every day with sonce our breakup. I think that she possibly left me to go out with Ben, but I would hate to think she would do that. So I didn't, I blamed myself and said I was too freakish to date anyone until I knew just who the flip I was.
That ended the beginning of July, even before the July fourth. Ah what a bummer eh? |
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Thursday, May 5, 2005 |
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What it is like to date when your girlfriend can't make heads or tails out of you: (everything here actually happened and is as I say, the gospel truth) Well, I suppose it would be prudent to first let you know it is a probable cause as to the reason the last two relationships of mine were doomed to start. I met my first girlfriend Melinda (not her real name) last year around late May and we hit it off instantly. It was comical in many respects because up until that point I would have told you I was gay for sure. Then bam! we were hitting it off like a pack of un-neutered dogs. We had to have been some of the most physically attracted people to one another. I loved to be with her, talk to her, and be physical with her (no intercourse). About a month into the relationship, perhaps a tad sooner I felt the timing was perfect to tell her about my questions about sexual identity. She took it rather well and I found out that she was bi-sexual! Not that is bothered me one bit, I was all the more proud that she picked me to go out with. I was honestly delighted beyond belief that we shared so much in common and that we seemed to have insight into one another. "Come on Jonas, I won't judge you. You know that" Her voice echoed with soft compassion and I knew that Melinda was speaking the gospel truth. "oh, alright, but[sigma]it's just hard" And it was; telling Melinda about my identity issues was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. "you know how some people want to be different when they grow up?" She nodded "well, I want to be entirely different, I kinda always wanted to be a... girl" She quiet for quite some time before she responded "I know just how you feel, I wanted to be a guy when I was younger" I couldn't believe it, I would have wet my pants if I actually had to go. The woman of my dreams understood me! No one else in my life had ever given me that feeling of understanding before and I relished in it for as long as I could. She in fact had given me more than the understanding I asked from her, he also gave me the confidence to go to a support group by allowing me to know I wasn't a freak for these feelings of mine. Unfortunately our relationship would last for about as long as my confidence in myself would: just another month. To this day I question her motives for breaking up with me but I could only assume that they were in part to my gender identity issues. And who could blame her for that? After I told her of my crisis, I began attending a self help group for people like me (and by "attending" what I mean is that I showed up for one meeting, was scared senseless and never went back). I went about two weeks after my talk with Melinda and got myself all worked up before hand as well. I really wanted to make myself feel like I belonged there with people who were going to be dressed in drag, had probably already undergone a sex change, and who were probably in my stage too so I put on my sexiest thong, a pair of jeans for American Eagle, and a maroon t-shirt. My nails were also painted but it was a light purple so you really couldn't tell, it just looked as though my hands were cold and my nails had turned purple. My mother said she would drive me downtown to the hotel where the meeting was to be. Ah, bless my mother, possibly the nicest and most compassionate woman in the world, and has always been there supporting me along the way (good lord! I totally sounded Scottish there!) Anyway, when I arrived at the hotel and my mother went to the local Barnes and Noble to browse the books, I almost turned away to sit in the lobby reading some magazine until my mother would come back for me. I was convinced that I could not go and meet these other "freaks" as I had dubbed them at the time. I spent an easy ten minutes in the cool night air just breathing and trying to calm myself down. Amazingly I worked up the courage to ask the attendant at the front desk where the meeting was being held. "Down the hall on your left, first conference room. You can't miss it" He smiled in a friendly way as he said this and his words too helped my ever decreasing confidence. Before I could stop myself I found that I was walking down the hall towards the room I had been scared out of my mind off. I teetered in front of the door for just a moment while feeling the comfortableness of the thong I was wearing and walked straight in. As I entered the room I was astonished to find only an elderly couple at one of the five round tables in the room (each sat around seven or eight). I thought that I must have been in the wrong room and promptly left. However on my way out I saw a rather large gentleman who was most likely in his 50's wearing a womens dress and chatting quite camly with the guy with a large chest on his right. I was flabbergasted and stopped right in my tracks.
"A guy, wearing womens clothes, and being all nonchalant about it?! He must be nuts! He isn't even that convincing and could have only passed off as a woman to my grandmother with terrible vision and hearing" I was so awe struck that I hardly noticed myself entering the conference room again directly behind this... lady. Before I could prevent myself I was drawn into a conversation by the very gentleman who I had followed back into the room. |
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Rio, though not being my birth name is simply a name I choose because I know the most amazing woman in the world by this name and for those people I admire, I am willing to spread their name across the world (in a fashionable way I should add). This blog is the true life account of a man-well, young man actually- who is searching for his true sexual Identity. Thus far I have yet to make any headway on knowing who I am. I may be in a state of continuous confusion, but I can assure you that the things I have seen, the places I have been, and the culmination of all my experiences is enough to keep anyone entertained with all the true stories one could possibly stomach. I should think that such matters would concern me very little being as that I live in a state of relaxation, or more commonly known as California. My family is bizarre and wacked out in my mind: (all true) my mother is a nut who is currently working on her second novel, my father is a construction worker, my sister is a law-studying lesbian, and my step-father works for a small company and builds mucial instruments in his spare time. Myself, I am a high school senior who has no idea where he will go to college next year, suffers part-time from Bulimia Nervosa, and masturbates probably more than I should. On the outside I have been told that I am a "trim" handsome young man who is very polite. On the inside I think I am pudgy, find my hands to be among my best attributes, and think about what my life would be as a woman in my spare time. I read erotic stories about men who have been forced to go through femminization (a sexual fantasy of mine I will admit). Since the age of 6 years I have questioned my sexual identity and have in the past taken underwear from various women who live in my household. but ssh- they would not be pleased to know that.
The reason I have opted to write this blog is to give insight into the mind of a fairly normal young adult who questions his sexual identity on a regular basis. I would be honored to know that sometime in the distant future my blog helped another like me to become more confident with themselves as I also hope that writing this blog will help me to better understand myself. I hope in earnest that you will all enjoy my stories to come about true events that happen to me, my thoughts of various matters, and what it is like being a dancing fool. |
Last update: 5/23/05; 9:47:00 PM .
