Thursday, May 5, 2005

What it is like to date when your girlfriend can't make heads or tails out of you: (everything here actually happened and is as I say, the gospel truth) Well, I suppose it would be prudent to first let you know it is a probable cause as to the reason the last two relationships of mine were doomed to start. I met my first girlfriend Melinda (not her real name) last year around late May and we hit it off instantly. It was comical in many respects because up until that point I would have told you I was gay for sure. Then bam! we were hitting it off like a pack of un-neutered dogs. We had to have been some of the most physically attracted people to one another. I loved to be with her, talk to her, and be physical with her (no intercourse). About a month into the relationship, perhaps a tad sooner I felt the timing was perfect to tell her about my questions about sexual identity. She took it rather well and I found out that she was bi-sexual! Not that is bothered me one bit, I was all the more proud that she picked me to go out with. I was honestly delighted beyond belief that we shared so much in common and that we seemed to have insight into one another. "Come on Jonas, I won't judge you. You know that" Her voice echoed with soft compassion and I knew that Melinda was speaking the gospel truth. "oh, alright, but[sigma]it's just hard" And it was; telling Melinda about my identity issues was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. "you know how some people want to be different when they grow up?" She nodded "well, I want to be entirely different, I kinda always wanted to be a... girl" She quiet for quite some time before she responded "I know just how you feel, I wanted to be a guy when I was younger" I couldn't believe it, I would have wet my pants if I actually had to go. The woman of my dreams understood me! No one else in my life had ever given me that feeling of understanding before and I relished in it for as long as I could. She in fact had given me more than the understanding I asked from her, he also gave me the confidence to go to a support group by allowing me to know I wasn't a freak for these feelings of mine. Unfortunately our relationship would last for about as long as my confidence in myself would: just another month. To this day I question her motives for breaking up with me but I could only assume that they were in part to my gender identity issues. And who could blame her for that? After I told her of my crisis, I began attending a self help group for people like me (and by "attending" what I mean is that I showed up for one meeting, was scared senseless and never went back). I went about two weeks after my talk with Melinda and got myself all worked up before hand as well. I really wanted to make myself feel like I belonged there with people who were going to be dressed in drag, had probably already undergone a sex change, and who were probably in my stage too so I put on my sexiest thong, a pair of jeans for American Eagle, and a maroon t-shirt. My nails were also painted but it was a light purple so you really couldn't tell, it just looked as though my hands were cold and my nails had turned purple. My mother said she would drive me downtown to the hotel where the meeting was to be. Ah, bless my mother, possibly the nicest and most compassionate woman in the world, and has always been there supporting me along the way (good lord! I totally sounded Scottish there!) Anyway, when I arrived at the hotel and my mother went to the local Barnes and Noble to browse the books, I almost turned away to sit in the lobby reading some magazine until my mother would come back for me. I was convinced that I could not go and meet these other "freaks" as I had dubbed them at the time. I spent an easy ten minutes in the cool night air just breathing and trying to calm myself down. Amazingly I worked up the courage to ask the attendant at the front desk where the meeting was being held. "Down the hall on your left, first conference room. You can't miss it" He smiled in a friendly way as he said this and his words too helped my ever decreasing confidence. Before I could stop myself I found that I was walking down the hall towards the room I had been scared out of my mind off. I teetered in front of the door for just a moment while feeling the comfortableness of the thong I was wearing and walked straight in. As I entered the room I was astonished to find only an elderly couple at one of the five round tables in the room (each sat around seven or eight). I thought that I must have been in the wrong room and promptly left. However on my way out I saw a rather large gentleman who was most likely in his 50's wearing a womens dress and chatting quite camly with the guy with a large chest on his right. I was flabbergasted and stopped right in my tracks. "A guy, wearing womens clothes, and being all nonchalant about it?! He must be nuts! He isn't even that convincing and could have only passed off as a woman to my grandmother with terrible vision and hearing" I was so awe struck that I hardly noticed myself entering the conference room again directly behind this... lady. Before I could prevent myself I was drawn into a conversation by the very gentleman who I had followed back into the room. 9:54:03 PM     comment []

Rio, though not being my birth name is simply a name I choose because I know the most amazing woman in the world by this name and for those people I admire, I am willing to spread their name across the world (in a fashionable way I should add). This blog is the true life account of a man-well, young man actually- who is searching for his true sexual Identity. Thus far I have yet to make any headway on knowing who I am. I may be in a state of continuous confusion, but I can assure you that the things I have seen, the places I have been, and the culmination of all my experiences is enough to keep anyone entertained with all the true stories one could possibly stomach. I should think that such matters would concern me very little being as that I live in a state of relaxation, or more commonly known as California. My family is bizarre and wacked out in my mind: (all true) my mother is a nut who is currently working on her second novel, my father is a construction worker, my sister is a law-studying lesbian, and my step-father works for a small company and builds mucial instruments in his spare time. Myself, I am a high school senior who has no idea where he will go to college next year, suffers part-time from Bulimia Nervosa, and masturbates probably more than I should. On the outside I have been told that I am a "trim" handsome young man who is very polite. On the inside I think I am pudgy, find my hands to be among my best attributes, and think about what my life would be as a woman in my spare time. I read erotic stories about men who have been forced to go through femminization (a sexual fantasy of mine I will admit). Since the age of 6 years I have questioned my sexual identity and have in the past taken underwear from various women who live in my household. but ssh- they would not be pleased to know that. The reason I have opted to write this blog is to give insight into the mind of a fairly normal young adult who questions his sexual identity on a regular basis. I would be honored to know that sometime in the distant future my blog helped another like me to become more confident with themselves as I also hope that writing this blog will help me to better understand myself. I hope in earnest that you will all enjoy my stories to come about true events that happen to me, my thoughts of various matters, and what it is like being a dancing fool. 7:29:07 PM     comment []