Saturday, May 7, 2005

By defination, sissy means effeminate or cowardly. As an adjective it can also mean feeble. So then why do a plethora of porn sites refer to transsexuals as "sissies" used of course in conjuction with several explicatives? It seems to me that the defination of the word has been changed through popular usage to mean something than otherwise would normaly be intended. I know that the word also fits in some way to the senario in which it is used, but I still hold the thought that the word is not being used right. Does anyone else agree with me on this matter? Or should I start looking at my cat (who is named sissy) in a more provactive manner? I really don't want too, but I don't want to be accused of using words wrongly either- after all one of my aspirations is too be an english teacher later in life. That or a historin, I really can't decide. * I feel the need to add that I can't stand those self-proclaimed porn stars who become "she-males" in order to promote their promiscuous behavior. I feel as though they give actual transgender people a harder time in life because now they give a reason for a straight/or even gay person to formulate an opinion about people like me before they even meet us. Added on top of that, can an educational institution discriminate based opon someones sexual identity? I won't be applying to Brigham-Young University or another religious school to teach so you can rule those out, but what of State Universities? Also, with college being next year I had thought that the possibility of starting a new life so to speak would be great; and at the very least if I decided that I didn't want to live as a woman could say I tried it and would know in my heart that it wasn't right for me and never poner the question of whether or not I sould have spent time living as my desired sex. Plus then I could use the old cliche "don't knock it 'till you've tried it". However, within its own right this raises several questions: the first being of course where would I stay? I had thought the dorms before, but that seems somewhat unlikely if I would be trying to pass myself off as a woman. I know that if I go off to college where my dad is he would make me stay in the dorms and that would just be a fiasco in itself, especially if he were ever to see in in...different clothing than he might be used to. Plus, lets add in here the costs of clothes; I am not the richest person in the world and while I may be somewhat well off, I do know if I can afford an entire new wardrobe. Maybe I can try to get some cash out of my mom for this matter. For the record my mother and sisters are the only members of my family who know about my true feelings and nature so if you were wondering why my father doesn't understand me better, that is why. Also, for those of you new to the idea of someone changing their sex, it is more complicated than just putting on a skirt and shirt and walking around in 4" heels. Unless you look like a woman to begin with chances are you would fall when you first started walking in those heels and you would look much too masculine and would be spotted for what you are right away. You need hormones to change your appearance, therapy even before that, and of course a more feminine way of acting towards others. I have been to a therapist and was offered hormones almost 6 months ago but I refused them at the time, I was just too darn scared to go through my change at that time. So I waited and now I am thinking that I want them again so that I can be ready to pass myself off as a woman in college. As for feminine mannerisms, I am confidant that with time I can aquire some; right now the best I can do is a half-assed gay man impersonation when I want to be a smart ass in front of my friends. As I write this, a thought occurs: Is it possible that I could have some female clothes and in college wear them when my roomate is not around, and in between classes? I have a pretty good idea of where my father is on occasion and I could try to be on the opposite side of town that he is on. So, for those of you in college, is that a possibility that is just crazy enough to work? One final question as well: are people in college nice enough that most would be at least somewhat understading of myself do you think, or would have the common sense to not harass me if they ever found out? Or are they like people in high school? 3:42:05 PM     comment []

Mothers day weekend, where the need to spoil our mothers silly for all the things they have ever done to us comes to mind. Myself, I am behind as usual with buying my mother her gift but needless to say I will think of the perfect gift and make sure that I have gotten it by this evening. Speaking about mothers day makes me question my own future. What about kids for me? I have no idea; I have never liked kids all that much when I am constantly surrounded by them, but I may want them someday. That leaves some interesting thoughts and choices for me. If I ever went through with this radical change, would I have frozen my sperm before hand so that I could potentially marry a woman and have children? But what is to say that a woman with lesbian tendancies (obviously the woman who I would end up marrying) would even want kids, let alone having her own as opposed to adoption? Adoption I know is a great thing to do but I have never been to partial to the idea myself, I always thought that if I was going to have them I might as well have my own. So then what happens if I marry a guy?! Adoption is my only option unless we do that 'give his sperm to someone else to have our kid' thing. Even if the kid issue were not one that I was considering, who is even to say that marrying a transgendered person is even within the realm of reality for so many people? I could certaintly not expect anyone else to be comfortable with the idea when I find it a tad awkard myself. Wow, I get as squeamish on this issue as I do with with dissecting a frog, how fun. But as long as I am talking about babies, I will tell you that I love the name Jonas and would like to name my first boy that, and as for the first girl, I suppose it would have to be Sandra, but it is unfortunate that neither of those names fit with my last name. 11:35:43 AM     comment []

My ex-girlfriend (as of almost one month ago now) called me late last evening to talk to me about my health and general well being. If I actually liked talking about this sort of thing to others I might have really been touched by her concern, however all I mainly was, was upset that I had to sit through another lecture from her. I know that sounds terrible that I can't accept help or advice even from my friends but its the truth. I have this great need to do everything on my own and only accept help if I have to or if it suits my interests at the time. While she was talking to me I was very careful to show no signs of being upset and was very nice and responsive on the tele. But jesus! she just would not believe me when I said I could work through my issues. No, she had to bring up everthing I said I did not want to talk about! Generally speaking I am very open with people, in fact I could tell an almost total stranger most of my history if they just asked, but on some subjects I like my privacy. And she just kept prying and prying into them! Added on top of that she would get even more upset when I was reluctant to tell her some things about my personal actions after I am finished eating (I was once throwing up after I ate- see first post). I know that it was just concern but conversations like those only get me worked up to the extent where I do actions like throwing up. She does not seem to understand that though. Perhaps she does not realize how much stress I have been through after our breakup (I say "our", but in fact I broke up with her). Every time I have spoken to her its now feels like I just get more and more worked up and I only started throwing up after we broke up. Partly because I feel as though I cannot tell her how I really feel about myself, our last relationship, and most everything else. Am I just over reacting here or what? To what end is it even common nay natural to feel like this after you break up? I did not do these things after my break up with Melinda, so why now? 9:25:52 AM     comment []