sex change anyone?

Tue, 24 May 2005 04:45:52 GMT

In pursuance of title nine of the US code regarding litigation and all the codes in accordance of the aforementioned it seems prudent that such matters discussed in your previous letter are now subject to the manner of the law in the state where you reside. However as you may be aware, section four, clause three of executive order 2180 regarding H.R. 3143 overrides archaic H.R. 230 which presently invalidates paragraph 18, sub-paragraph three in reference to your testimony presented at the Vista courthouse on the 3rd of April, 2005.
Should you wish to save your dilapidated conviction on nullifidian's it is recommended that a good Samaritan would revoke such self-righteous comments until such time as that any hyperbole would not be reference in a court of law. Noticeably your paradoxical allusion to the foregoing remark was abominable and henceforth was the focal point of much emotional distress of said clientele. Who can totally write law-sounding junk? I can. Hell yes. With of course a little help from a friend.

Sun, 22 May 2005 18:03:50 GMT

On thursday of last week my ex-girlfriend, Melinda called me (as I was waiting in line for episode III) and asked me for help regarding a video conferencing problem of hers. Now, this was strange in two regards: one, I know NOTHING about ichat (chatting software that comes with our macs), and two, we hadn't spoken on the phone or through any medium for almost eight months I think. I tried to help her with her problem but was unsuccessful in assisting her with her problem. On friday she instant messaged me and asked what I was doing on saturday and whether or not I should enjoy doing something with her.
Admittedly I was anxious to see her again and perhaps amend whatever little friendship we still had left. We agreed to see episode III again and that was that.
Saturday morning rolled around and I became Mr. Clean-up-things-I-have-never-cleaned-up-before. I really wanted to make a good impression so that she wouldn't think I didn't care at all about her and would perhaps not hate me (honestly, why she started to hate me I will never know). My room was clean when she finally came over and I made sure that I was dressed quasi-naice. I wanted to look casual but like I had dressed up some for her. I even wore my favorite/only pinstriped pants, how nice am I? I knew that she was coming over with her laptop to install Tiger (new apple OS) that I had previously gotten so I was expecting her to come with some sort of luggage. I was taken aback to find that her appearance was something less than what I remembered. Perhaps she was having a bad fashion day but it almost seemed like she had dressed down for me. However I did not show any disappointment at this first because it would have been childish to do so, and second because I really wanted her to think highly of me and really wanted us to be friends again.
We began installing Tiger in my room where it was clean and all the disks were already situated. We had a little chat about what each other was up too and she was being very nice and cheerful and was full of compliments. At about 6:30 we left for the movie and I took care to not show my fear of dying as she hurled along the freeway at speeds unsafe for that evening.
We arrived to find no line for the movie yet so we went to some chinese place for dinner. Now I didn't eat because I make it a point never to eat in front of other people unless I have too. I did however pay for her meal since she didn't have cash on her and they only accept cash. Our conversation was somewhat light over dinner and I was taken aback as time and time again she referred to her boyfriend and the things they did together. Not that I mind hearing about her life mind you, I just prefer not to know she was naked and looking for a shirt in front of her new boyfriend that morning. Particulary since she virtually dumped me to go out with him.
I tried to counteract her statements by telling her about some girl I was deeply in love by dropped that facade just as quickly as I had picked it up.
We took our seats in the theater and actually had a nice conversation with the marines in front of us until the movie started. I suppose I would have really enjoyed the movie had the kip next to not been crying, Melinda not been leaving to keep answering her phone and the kid behind me not kicking my seat.
By the time the night was over I got the sense Melinda didn't care about me really at all. I felt as though my efforts to please her had gone unnoticed and that the real reason she came over was just to get Tiger. Oh joy.
In a sadistic view I suppose I can take pleasure in knowing that she has put on weight.

Sat, 21 May 2005 23:46:19 GMT

Sexual fantasy's are perhaps something that is already common to most everybody who has sexual organs, and perhaps those who do not as well. We all know that they can be fun to think about entertaining to entertain the possibility of ever going through with them. But is it healthy to act upon these feelings? Can one even go further to ask whether or not they stay as fantasy's after they have been acted out at least one time in some manner?
I should think that only if you are in a relationship (depending upon your fantasy) should you ever even consider such an idea. Think of the harm, say a rape fantasy would do in the mind of someone not dating who could not control him/herself? Not only would such an instance be devastating to the victim but also potentially to the aggressor in the situation as well (emotional scars).
Disregarding a nonexistent relationship for a moment, what are the implications of wishing to act out a sexual fantasy when your partner does not? Can one possibly justify continuing with it then? Perhaps convince your partner or even take on an additional one to accomplish such a task? With no doubt the effects where would be as far reaching as those of the non-relationship sexual fantasy taker.

Thu, 19 May 2005 21:54:46 GMT

Having just recieved the most dreadful news this morning I am in a state of shock. Now, lets face it, I don't like myspace so I found this funny at the sametime as sick so I was feeling ambivalence there. In any case it seems as though ABC has determined that roughly 40% of all the users on myspace.com (blogs) are pediophiles and elderly men. How creepy is that?
Yeah, I guess all those hot highschool "girls" you have been chatting with secretely have a little something extra to show you.
eww. Also, Star Wars rocks. Yeah I saw episode III last night and waited for four hours outside to see it. It was so freaking worth it. I got rockawesome seats; you know, the kind where you don't sit in the crummy seats way up front but no one can sit in front of you. Oh yeah. Finally, this week I have decided that I am not in a "girly" mode. In fact, I feel totally like a man right now. I don't know why. Perhaps thats because I am so sleepy, but lets face it, that doesn't explain the earlier part of the week now does it?

Thu, 19 May 2005 02:49:22 GMT

A brief note before I immerse myself standing in line for over three hours to see the movie I have waited 17 and 11/12 years to see. F**k the idjit who decided it would be cool/funny to stand up my sister! What a jerk! Honestly, she's remarkably attractive, hilarious, intelligent, sexy, and available. What would make you want to stand up someone like that?! And I don't mean that she's attractive in that way I mean when I tell overweight people that they aren't overweight. She is really a stunning woman. So thats your loss Dirk, Dick, or whatever the hell your name was.

Tue, 17 May 2005 23:59:04 GMT

ambivalence You're one of my favorite people Jonas (thats what I named myself here)
Now if you ignore the fact that my face turned bright red here, I was so touched that the most amazing person that I have met told me this today. Wow! Nothing else could make my day like that could. It made me wish I was in my early twenties so that I could tell her how wonderful she is with more gusto and not end up sounding like an immature schoolboy. Anyway, back to my main title, I think I felt two distinct emotions today: love and longing. Longing for what I cannot have, and love for people who make this world such a wonderful place to be.

Tue, 17 May 2005 03:57:51 GMT

Possibly one of the hardest things for me to do is accept criticism. No matter what it is for: spelling, dancing, homework, classwork, friends, you name it. A down fall of mine you could suppose.
The only reason I brought up that comment about my shortcomings is that I also know I slouch, and I wish I didn't. I honestly make an effort not to but I can't seem to help it. Someone pointed that out to me today and said I would look 100% better if I just pulled back my shoulders when I dance. I am glad they told me so I know what to do, it just bothers me that I do it. I have been trying (off and on) for years to stop but I can't. Do you know why? It's because I am uncomfortable with how I look so I try to hide it by slouching. Honest truth right there. Its rather a superfulous action now being as that I am "trim". It's just an old habbit that drives me nuts. In fact, I was doing it as I wrote this until I caught myself.

Sun, 15 May 2005 23:45:29 GMT

Goodness Gracious! I had entirely forgotten how utterly bizarre it feels to shave your legs! They feel so... naked. No kidding, it feels like my legs are naked even though I have on pants over them. I know from past experiences that today is not a good day to go to the beach (I don't have a swimsuit anyway and I have never liked the idea of nude beaches) because it stings on your legs. Why this happens I'll never know. Thats me for you! I could tell you all about Kepler's laws on plantery motion but I can't tell you why my legs feel naked or sting when I go into the ocean with them. Also, Just because I have never been to sure of this: are guys supposed to shave their armpits? A little? not at all? always? I never thought about it until quite recently actually and I have pondered it perhaps a tad too much. It is also worth mentioning that while I can apperantly condone drinking beyond excess I cannot stop myself from throwing up. Granted I was able to stop for almost two full weeks I think, but I just did it again today. Maybe this was a fluke and won't happen again. I'm trying not too, but I am just so concerned that I will too large to make a sucessful transition into an approachable woman next year.

Sun, 15 May 2005 20:17:54 GMT

A sex change would be new
something really unique
but would it appropriate,
for the shy and the meek?
I might go through with it
and wear a little skirt
put on a little makeup
and hope my high-heels don't hurt
The feeling would be new
and bring me to a point of elation;
I would remark to its feelings
an' write you an evaluation
but what of me?
lost in the mold?
all because I took one too many hormones
and now my male life's gone cold?
I like being me,
but I want to be you more
I'm determined to not have my dreams
be the product of only fork-lore.
I could sit back
and not do one thing more
but I've done that for years
and not anymore.

Sun, 15 May 2005 18:39:27 GMT

Gosh, I feel terrible in that: "I didn't update my blog yesterday and I was hoping to update it everyday for at least two weeks" way. Oh well, I guess we all need time off here and there. You know, while at Barnes and Noble the other day picking out books to read I was wondering if I pile on educational tasks so that I won't think about what I really want to be. I mean, I bought five books on Anthropology, philosophy , odd facts, and Latin. All of course in my favorite fields of study (is odd facts even an area of study?, I think not), but It does take up my time reading them. Well, reading them and immersing myself in a Star Wars video game on my computer if you want to get technical, and of course you do. the only times during the day I devote to thinking about what my heart calls for is whenever I update this blog, and late at night (usually around 12 or 1am). Then I try to justify this by reassuring myself that I was busy reading, eating, or doing some other lame and boring task. that just doesn't seem right to me now. I know that its great to learn all about the realationship in architecture between the Myan's buildings and those discovered at Tectihuacan, but in reality how is this going to make me a happy adult? Actually, I just think I think too much. Maybe this week I can try to shut off my brain (schools almost over anyway) and just concentrate on how I am feeling. Changing topics rather abruptly, is it healthy, or rather, common for people to be concerned about what others think about them to a large degree? I know that it shouldn't shape your life, but I feel as though my happiness can be tied to the happiness of those around me. Lets relate this to a sex change eh? Okay, say I go through with a sex change but still look at least in some regard male. I would never want to go through with a sex change then. That would be the biggest mistake fo my life, I know it would. and what would other think of me then? I would be shunned from respectable socitey and cast aside. I would be third rate citizen, a freak to many. What point would there be in going through a sex change then? Happiness that I have fulfilled my lifes dream? Ha! As if, I could never live with myself then. But say I don't go through a sex change and would I then regret it for the rest of my life? Probably. I suppose that I will never know until I try. But of course as I stated: The issue at hand is as to whether or not the ends here will justify the means. Why throw my life away now to a possible upsetting existence? You know, I think I should be more happy and upbeat with myself. People who know me in person always comment what I cheerful person I am, and if I could make myself as happy as I do others I would be estatic. As I right in assuming that you're always your own harshest critic? I think so.

Sat, 14 May 2005 00:55:16 GMT

est deus in nobis. I have found him, have you? Or should I say that I have realized his presence that has never left me, I only choose to ignore him for too long. Perhaps interfering in Gods will was not meant to be done? I have been an advocate pressing against Human cloning with the exception for preserving those already alive. Creating new life was not endowed to me, who is to say that I can act assuming I have such power? Perhaps becoming reborn would be a faux pas. posse videor

Fri, 13 May 2005 02:00:03 GMT

The story will apparently have to wait as I, the procrastinator decides to wait a tad longer before he posts his riviting story. Bear with me on this people. I swear it will come ASAP. Right now I am just trying to understand a dance I learned the other that is so freakishly hard. No joke. You try learning over half of a hip-hop dance and dance it perfectly the next day. It just can't be done I tell you. Cheers

Thu, 12 May 2005 00:44:24 GMT

I sit across from her I math. One of those incredibly magical people in the world who are just beautiful to look at and who seem to brighten the room with their smiles. I do not know what she has to do to be the way she is but I envy her for it. I am not exaggerating when I say she has a body that some supermodels would kill for, she has an impeccable sense of style, she has a very feminine attitude, a charming smile, is brilliant at math even if it takes her a tad longer to grasp some concepts and is the sort of woman that any man would likely lust after. I suppose you could say I too lust after her but only in the sense that I think "wow, I could be like that someday". She is obviously very genuine and what you see is not all there is to her. She is brilliant in her own regard, and of that I am certain. She sits in class with her legs crossed just so and there is always a faint hint of a smile on her face even if none is present. I have never seen her upset and she always knows just when to laugh. Now, I think I know what you are thinking: "wow this guy is a total stalker" but that is simply not true. I simply observe what I see and that goes for all people. It is just impossible not to be impressed with her. In fact I sometimes wonder if it is even possible for me ever to look and act in a similar fashion to her. Lets face it right now I am totally laid back on my couch and in a wrinkly shirt after sitting like this for some time. I do not always have a smile on my face, I do not walk in a feminine manner, nor do I wear tight pants that accentuate my butt if you want to get technical. It is simply a great desire of mine to be just like this girl. She in my mind is the very image of what transgender people have when they think of what life might be like as a woman. Now that raises a question: What the heck happened to all those transgender people who now do not look like her? My only guess is that they did not work hard enough to achieve what they wanted to. I know some transsexuals who do look like her and who are indeed perfect in their own right and I know that someday I too can begin to look like them. I realize transitions like these take plenty of time and I am willing to wait at least a year before I notice anything that even begins to resemble the girl in my math class. That is why as of right now (well, actually six my time which is nine on the east coast, and in eighteen minutes) I will begin to take steps in that general direction. I will consciously make an effort to do things just a little less manly and will work on creating a very slightly feminine appearance on my outside (smile etc.). Who know, maybe by the end of the school year I might even notice these changing aspects myself. Here's hoping the best!

Wed, 11 May 2005 23:56:38 GMT

The amazing thing about matrices. (yes even I can stray from the beaten path for a moment) Lets pretend that you are... like me! And you want to send someone a secret message (not a massage mind you) and you want to tell them you want to be a girl. Well now you can! Its so nifty and only takes a few minutes to learn even if you know nothing about matrices. Lets say I want to encode this message: "I want to be a girl". First things first: you make A=1, B=2, and so one making any space a 0. So the message now becomes this: 9,0,23,1,14,20,0,20,15,0,2,5,0,1,0,7,9,18,12,0,0. Now you put them into what is known as a 1x3 (or a one by three) which is a matrix in which it has one row and three columns to make: [9 0 23] [1 14 20] [0 20 15] [0 2 5] [0 1 0] [7 9 18] [12 0 0]. Now it gets simple. All you do is make ANY-yup you can make one up here- 3x3 matrix. This means that it has three rows and three columns and there are 9 numbers in it. For arguments sake I will mine looks like this: [[0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8]] Now I simply multiply each individual matrix by my 3x3 to get: [138 170 202] [162 197 232] [150 185 220] [36 43 50] [3 4 5] [135 169 203] [0 12 24] and guess what?! You cannot decode this message unless you have the inverse matrix and you can only get that by having the original matrix. That means no one else can ever know what you have written. It makes no sense to anyone at all without the original matrix. In tomorrows posting I will show you how to decode this matrix. *I know my 3x3 doesn't look like it has 3 rows and three columns but in fact it should the weblog software wouldn't post it the way I wrote it. Just write it with the 3 starting a new row and the 6 starting a new row as well.

Wed, 11 May 2005 21:54:28 GMT

Why some days you feel like a woman and others you feel like a total guy I can never figure out. Right now I feel totally manly (well, as manly as I can be). And why that is... I have no clue. Perhaps its because I took a HUGE government test today (AP test) that took up almost 4 hours of my life. Phew! Glad that is over and done with. Or perhaps its because I have a headache right now? Your guess is as good as mine I am sure. Oh I know! It must be when I think an insane amount about math. Because I did do that today and in fact had a rather plesant conversation with my math teacher today about the future of Social Secureity (no joke there). But in all reality I have no idea why my thoughts on a sex change fluxate so wildly in one day as opposed to another. Oh and for those of you who were waiting- A new story will be up either tonight or tomorrow morning!

Wed, 11 May 2005 02:00:17 GMT

Hmmmmmmm. I just heard the most interesting upon interesting of news today. Unkown sources today have confirmed that a certain gentleman (not me!) member in one of my schools many dance classes has not one but two identities. The one everyone (well, most everyone) knows him by is Adam but a few others know him as Michelle as well. Allegedly he dresses up in womens clothes on the weekend and walks around LA. What is doing down there, I am not to sure, but I would hate to jump to any conclusions. I feel bad for him because I do not believe that he is well liked, and in fact I know that he is not. Perhaps this is due to his odd behavior. Myself, I relaize why other people would find it odd, but I think its great that he can express himself so freely. I know others- such as myself- cannot because we are simply to shy to. So kudos to you Adam, and heres hoping that you aren't doing anything semi-illegal on these escapades!

Tue, 10 May 2005 14:05:57 GMT

To demonstrate just how similar all kinds of people are in their mannerisms; at least we all start off the same... sort of. It was a hot and humid Indiana summers day as the white, 1987 Subaru cruised down Monroe St. and turned onto College Ave. It was only my mother, sister (Ashley), and myself in the car being as that our parents had been through a rather unfortunate divorce earlier that year and we were now in our mother's custody. I attempted to stay cool by rolling down my window all the way but it was of little use. My butt stuck like glue to my Umbro shorts and they in turn stuck to all the McDonald's fries that had been in between the seats. The car didn't have AC; either it didn't come with it or it was broken- probably the latter, we had been in an accident just last week. Thankfully the hand crank on the windows still worked so I wouldn't sweat my life away in that car. I remember Ashley sat on my left and I had fun poking her too see her reaction. She didn't like it all that much. Ashley is two years and one month older than myself and she has always liked to make sure I knew she was older and stronger than me at all points in my life; so I would piss her off every chance I could get- and this was totally one of those moments. As I prodded and poked into my sisters side I hardly noticed as the car rolled into the parking lot of our local grocery store: Mr. D's. As we pulled into the parking lot it became painfully evident just how much I missed the wind slapping my face and in its place the heat began make the sweat drip off my forehead and on my hands. Can't say that I enjoyed it all that much. In fact it seemed as though no one did. Our mother began increasingly edgy as we pulled into a parking space and I knew she would not be taking us with her this time. Not that it was all that uncommon, mom often preferred to leave us alone for a few minutes instead of risking a fiasco by taking us both into a store with her. She parked and turned around to face us both "I want you both to behave yourself's ya'hear?" Yes, she still did have her southern accent back then. She then left the car to do a quick grab of groceries. Phew was I hot! The sun was convently placed on my side of the car and the heat just poured inside. I couldn't stand it any longer. I needed to take my own action or I knew I would never feel better. I undid my seat belt that prevented me from doing anything that might endanger my life, but seeing as we were parked I didn't think we would get into any accidents. With my window down and my seatbelt off I stood up with the car and pulled down my pants ( I was only 6 mind you) and proceeded to stick my shiny white bum out of the car window. "Come and look at my naked butt!" I coerced to anyone who might have been grateful enough to be in the parking lot as I did this. Needless to say it did not take long before it generated some attention. About three minutes my mother came storming out off the market and slapped my butt hardly as she got into the drivers seat and proceeded to reprimand me. It wasn't until later that I learned they broadcast my unfortunate episode over the stores intercom alerting all shoppers as to what I was doing in a white Saturn. True, I did not enjoy the spanking that followed, but it sure made for some funny laughs down the road.

Tue, 10 May 2005 04:52:41 GMT

Things are not always as they seem I have noticed in the past that after I have finished masturbating, I tend to have my greatest epiphanies and I want my sex change more after thirty minutes or so after I have finished. My question is: why is this so? My only thought is that the testosterone levels in my body are returning to normal and are possibly lower (maybe) after I am done masturbating? I have no idea honestly. Does anyone else have a similar experience? Is there a doctor in the house? Is there perhaps a doctor out there who could answer my question? Thanks

Mon, 09 May 2005 23:49:50 GMT

How Pretty Would You Be if You Got a Sex Change? Damn Sexy, thats what. But! Heres the thing: Are you thinking short term, long term, or some term in between. I'll will be honest with you and perhaps you will be honest with me. (thats right, I like comments! don't be shy!) when I think about my impending- wow sounds like an armageddon- sex change I am only looking maybe 30 years down the road at best. And it was my fault earlier in life for letting that stop myself. Lets face it, it shouldnt! Thirty years down the road is like forever! I have only been alive for 17 and 11/12 years; why should only looking 30 more years down the road frighten me? It really shouldn't any longer. True I think sagging breasts are disgusting (like those women who are 80 and have..well, never mind). The point is I don't care to know what I would be like when I'm 80 even if I were to stay a guy that entire time. But boy! what a waste of my life that would be if I didn't become a woman at some point eh? Lets review shall we my life plans for the next thirty years of my life? Yes, lets. Hmmm, nothing comes to mind which is my point exactly. The future is mine to write why be inhibited by it before it even comes? Granted some actions need to be taken more slowly than other but in general I plan to live life to its fullest. Speaking of my life, I shall be giving you all a written account of some of the most dearning/funny/worst/and all around amazing moments of my life so far starting tomorrow I think and I hope you all enjoy them. They will of course all be true and all of some signifance, even to you dear readers. Speaking of you my dear readers I would like to thank you for making my first five days here a total sucess! I appear to have a regular audience (no matter how small) and I have been touched by your visits. Heres hoping you stay along for the ride! -Rio

Mon, 09 May 2005 22:26:19 GMT

Japanese Indeed. Japan, one of the worlds most industralized countries does very little to promote women in the workforce and seems to be attempting to limit them as much as possible. Women hold an astonishing 9% of the workforce (compared with 45% in the US) and though constitutionaly considered equal with men have to adhere to an additional set of rules in the workplace. They are also on occasion fired for such reasons as pregnancy! Many women feel therefore the need to have an abortion and not risk losing their jobs! I was astounded to read up on these facts. After all its Japan- one of the most contributing countries in terms of financial aid. How backwards is that? It almost makes me scared to want to become a woman. After all, what place might their be for me? Not that I would even consider moving to Japan but it does bring to light the hard time women still have in the workforce around the world. And if a number of places would first accept the man, where in hell would a transsexual fall on that list? somewhere at the bottom I am sure. Thats a discouraging thought for sure. Wait and get a job first before you ever get a sex change you may say? I thought about that but I will not go through with one if I am over 30 I have decided. After that age your body does not want to change at all and your change is much less likely to be convincing. That is why I want one relatively soon, If I could go through this change before I am twenty then I would virtually be all set to ensure that people only saw an attractive (or not, who knows?) young lady, not some 40-something man in drag.

Mon, 09 May 2005 14:06:11 GMT

Its that time of month again, the time when everyone talks about when they first realized who they were. My realization hit me when I was eight years old. My homeroom class was watching a (the?) Power Rangers movie because it was raining outside and not really enjoying it I might add. I was not entertained by it until I saw the pink power ranger. I know now it just sounds funny but I was amazed, I certainly wasn't falling in love with her, I wanted to be her! Every single day for years after that it crossed my mind at least once a day that I wanted to be a girl. Most of the times I only thought about it at night, but quite often as well I would find myself daydreaming about it at school. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I made a mistake. Lets face it, it's a serious thing to be thinking your transsexual and perhaps I taking it too lightly? But knowing me I am only second guessing myself; I have a habit of doing it really. The way I view it is that if I am going to think I wanted to be a girl for ten years now, that would probably imply something there. That's even what I told my counselor a while ago as well. Before I changed my mind for a while that is.

Mon, 09 May 2005 02:46:15 GMT

Name change: $50; SRS (sex reassignment surgery): $10,000; Getting your birth certificate changed: priceless. "The United States law on this issue varies from state to state, since the issuance of birth certificates and the recognition of marriages are largely state matters. Several courts have come to the conclusion that sex reassignments are not to be recognized for the purpose of marriage, including courts in Ohio, Texas and New York. Other courts (including courts in Kansas and New Jersey) have recognized the reassignments. Most U.S. states permit the name and sex to be changed on a birth certificate, either through amending the existing birth certificate or by issuing a new one. But Idaho, Ohio and Tennessee refuse to permit a change of sex, and Florida will not even change the name. California will amend birth certificates only for California natives currently living in California. However, on August 2, 2003, California joined Minnesota, Rhode Island and New Mexico (as well as New York City) in expanding legal protection from discrimination to include gender identity or expression, which may aid transsexuals in future cases in these jurisdictions." Makes me happy and proud that I live in California. You know I just got back from the movies with a friend of mine and was pondering just how much importance I put into ones appearance. Probably more than I should, but for me it is of the most importance. Why I ask you, would you go though a sex change if people could still tell that you were once male? As for me, I would plan on being so damn convincing I could fool my own mother. Well, actually I would be happy to just fool my father and others, my mom notices everything. And then when I think about issues like these I think I could never be convincing and almost give up on it entirely. Lets face it, who in their right mind would ever want to go out with someone like me if I went through a sex change? I dunno. Maybe I just need some endorphins from chocolate. I heard they make you feel better.

Sun, 08 May 2005 17:35:25 GMT

I made my mother a very nice card today for mothers day and I also got her one of my favorite books of all time. I try to give gifts that really mean something, especially if the person receiving the gift has been of the utmost help to me. So I suppose that I would just like to take this minute to give a nice word out to my mother. Without her, well... I mean I suppose that I never would have been born, but what I am trying to say is that my mother has been there with me at every turn and I love her sooooo much for it. I love you Mom!

Sun, 08 May 2005 15:04:21 GMT

You just don't get it, do you? I must have told a total of ten (10) people that I am considering becoming a transsexual, and I was stunned at each ones reaction. The reaction was one of mild surprise, but no concern, or empathy. Their reactions are akin to me saying: "I'm gay but I prefer straight women". No one cares because nothing is apparently at risk; your reputation and your life are safe. But when you are questioning your sexual identity such as myself, you realize that people like you are killed because of who you are. I realize that there are gay hate crimes committed on practically a daily basis, but it regretfully overshadows the fear, and discrimination that a much smaller group faces in a more dangerous way. To often have I been pulled aside to have comments such as: "you fucking fag, you're nuthin but a damn little pansy". It's really not fun, and yes words do hurt, even when you don't know why the idiot pulled you aside to say them to you. You ask yourself what you ever did to him and you come up blank. It just scares me to know that in comparison by numbers of the sizes of groups, transgender people are killed way to often. As far as I am concerned, once is too often. I like life and I intend to keep on living it. I swear I would never coax you into having sex with me; I can't even have sex now I'm too scared to have it. To let you in on a little secret I became queasy every time I became physical with my last girlfriend; I mean that I got sick to my stomach and would almost throw up. She was nice in my book to stay with me during that (I would keep it on the down low though, that I became sick I mean- she never really found out about it). If I keep my distance from you and would never do anything under false pretences, why am I, and people like me hated for what we are?

Sat, 07 May 2005 22:42:05 GMT

By defination, sissy means effeminate or cowardly. As an adjective it can also mean feeble. So then why do a plethora of porn sites refer to transsexuals as "sissies" used of course in conjuction with several explicatives? It seems to me that the defination of the word has been changed through popular usage to mean something than otherwise would normaly be intended. I know that the word also fits in some way to the senario in which it is used, but I still hold the thought that the word is not being used right. Does anyone else agree with me on this matter? Or should I start looking at my cat (who is named sissy) in a more provactive manner? I really don't want too, but I don't want to be accused of using words wrongly either- after all one of my aspirations is too be an english teacher later in life. That or a historin, I really can't decide. * I feel the need to add that I can't stand those self-proclaimed porn stars who become "she-males" in order to promote their promiscuous behavior. I feel as though they give actual transgender people a harder time in life because now they give a reason for a straight/or even gay person to formulate an opinion about people like me before they even meet us. Added on top of that, can an educational institution discriminate based opon someones sexual identity? I won't be applying to Brigham-Young University or another religious school to teach so you can rule those out, but what of State Universities? Also, with college being next year I had thought that the possibility of starting a new life so to speak would be great; and at the very least if I decided that I didn't want to live as a woman could say I tried it and would know in my heart that it wasn't right for me and never poner the question of whether or not I sould have spent time living as my desired sex. Plus then I could use the old cliche "don't knock it 'till you've tried it". However, within its own right this raises several questions: the first being of course where would I stay? I had thought the dorms before, but that seems somewhat unlikely if I would be trying to pass myself off as a woman. I know that if I go off to college where my dad is he would make me stay in the dorms and that would just be a fiasco in itself, especially if he were ever to see in in...different clothing than he might be used to. Plus, lets add in here the costs of clothes; I am not the richest person in the world and while I may be somewhat well off, I do know if I can afford an entire new wardrobe. Maybe I can try to get some cash out of my mom for this matter. For the record my mother and sisters are the only members of my family who know about my true feelings and nature so if you were wondering why my father doesn't understand me better, that is why. Also, for those of you new to the idea of someone changing their sex, it is more complicated than just putting on a skirt and shirt and walking around in 4" heels. Unless you look like a woman to begin with chances are you would fall when you first started walking in those heels and you would look much too masculine and would be spotted for what you are right away. You need hormones to change your appearance, therapy even before that, and of course a more feminine way of acting towards others. I have been to a therapist and was offered hormones almost 6 months ago but I refused them at the time, I was just too darn scared to go through my change at that time. So I waited and now I am thinking that I want them again so that I can be ready to pass myself off as a woman in college. As for feminine mannerisms, I am confidant that with time I can aquire some; right now the best I can do is a half-assed gay man impersonation when I want to be a smart ass in front of my friends. As I write this, a thought occurs: Is it possible that I could have some female clothes and in college wear them when my roomate is not around, and in between classes? I have a pretty good idea of where my father is on occasion and I could try to be on the opposite side of town that he is on. So, for those of you in college, is that a possibility that is just crazy enough to work? One final question as well: are people in college nice enough that most would be at least somewhat understading of myself do you think, or would have the common sense to not harass me if they ever found out? Or are they like people in high school?