Saturday, May 21, 2005

Top 6 things that must go wrong for your severed finger to end up in food 6. machine and/or co-worker must cut, smash, or pull off one of your fingers 5. neglect to put "retrieve severed finger" on 'to-do' list 4. co-workers and boss indifferent to the profusion of blood and screams at your work station 3. product still marketable after the introduction of blood and knuckles 2. quality control unwittingly staffed by cannibals 1. customer must be an "eat first, sue later" American (inspired by: man finds severed finger in custard) 8:46:57 PM    comment [] Politics - Schwarzenegger for president? Why, you'd have to change the rules for that too... Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, says he did not do it for the "Terminator," but his proposed bill would allow foreign-born citizens such as actor Arnold Schwarzenegger to run for president of the United States. "I believe the time has come to address the antiquated provision of the constitution that requires our president to be a natural-born citizen," said Hatch, according to the Herald News of Fall River, Mass. "It has long outlived its original purpose." Sweet. I can just see it now, Republicans change the constitution with visions of the Terminator as president... Democrats see visions of George Soros as president. Both will be disappointed (though the neo-cons will foribid the rest of the GOP from admitting it) when a member of the Saudi Royal family fast-tracks their way to citizenship and the presidency. By this time, the barrier between church and state will have been lifted, so the Saudi presidnt will be able to impose a Koran-only curriculum for America's public schools using the slogan "same religious fundamentalism, different uniforms". The Saudi President's inaugural speech will contain only two English words "Thanks, Diebold!" 3:36:46 PM    comment [] The Two Americas There are two Americas. One America likes the idea a duffle bag filled with enough head-banger wigs for everyone in the elevator plus a boombox with Bohemian Rhapsody queued to the guitar solo following "Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me..." F*ck the other America. 12:09:10 PM    comment [] Culture - SUVs SUVs just keep getting bigger and bigger. Some like the Escalade and Armada are so big they might as well be yellow and filled with retarded kids. I'm still not sure about mini-vans. Which comes first - the purchase of the mini-van or the lobotomy? 11:54:06 AM    comment [] Top 6 - downsides to immortality 6. no retirement 5. you think you're in debt now? Just wait until you can take out a 300 year loan. 4. chances of unwittingly committing incest virtually guaranteed 3. 200 trillion Chinese 2. odds are, you still won't make anything of yourself 1. emperor for life, Jeb Bush 11:46:54 AM    comment [] Rules of Etiquette - Staring Ladies, if you don't want men to stare at your chest, don't wear a t-shirt with words1. Gentlemen, it shouldn't take you more than 20 seconds to read "JCrew"2. _______________________________ 1 This goes doubly for t-shirt that would fit snugly on an infant. Gentlemen, the 'Nike Swoosh' symbol is not a word. 2 Even if it is stretched illegibly over $20,000 worth of "engagement silicone" that appear less like naturally occurring glands than siamese bowler hats dueling for oxygen. 11:46:22 AM    comment []

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