Veterans, Boy Scouts, and Kidd Rock jailed
Washington - More than 10,000 fugitives from justice have been captured
in a nationwide, pre-dawn dragnet involving federal, state, and local
authorities, said the U.S. Marshals service, which led the effort. Operation 'Iraqi Distraction' marks the largest number of arrests ever recorded during a single operation. Of
priority: suspects wanted for flag burning, flag descretion, flag
wearing, incorrect flag orientation, and mumbling the pledge of
alliegience.
"We will use all of our nation's law-enforcement resources to serve and
protect innocent flags everywhere" Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
said.Among those arrested in the raids were members of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, Elks Lodge, Marine Corps Honor Guards, and sobbing Boy Scouts. "These criminal organizations have been engaged in ritual flag burning for years," said Gonzales.
A spokesman for the VFW said "First, Section 8k of the flag ettiquette states
when the flag is no longer fit for display, it should be destroyed in a
dignified way, preferably by burning. Second, the proposed Amendment must first be passed by the Senate and then ratified by 38 states before it can be enforced. These arrests aren't even legal!"
Gonzales dismissed the criticism, explaining that the constitution has never
stopped the White House from from doing what's right. He further added
that the "new paradigm" in the war on flag terrorism "renders obsolete
the [constitution's] quaint protections of [freedom of speech]."
Also included in the government sweeps were Kid Rock and hundres of US olympics athletes, including Mary Lou Retton. 
A spokesman for the Justice Department replied "Section 8d clearly
states that the flag should never be used as apparel. Olympic uniforms
are no exception."Responding to the arrest of Mary Lou Retton, a
Justice Department spokesman added "Hollywood liberals may call her
'America's Sweetheart', but at the Bush White House she's just another
'flag descretating terrorist.'"
Also arrested were thousands of private citizens, shop owners, and
stadium managers for incorrectly displaying the flag. "If you hang the
flag for display" said one FBI informant, "the
blue section with stars must be positioned at the top left corner.
Otherwise, you might as well be hanging it upside down. Friggin'
commies."
"The flag was hanging correctly when viewed from inside" explained one
anonymous shop owner. "But the men in the flag enforcement van didn't
see it that way. Next thing I know, they're shooting tear gas and water
cannons. We surrendered after they started blaring Christian rock."
When asked to explain the need for the law, Rep. Randy (Duke) Cunningham, R-Calif explained it was a question of leadership, values and priorities."Ask the men and women who stood on top of the (World) Trade Center. Ask them and they will tell you: pass this amendment." When asked, the men and women who stood on top of the World Trade Center said "actually, we'd like to keep the federal aid promised for health related problems associated with inhaling toxic substances despite government assurances
it was safe." They added "a flag amenment ranks in importance
with painting the fire trucks yellow and flea-dipping Spot."
Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch said the likelihood of Senate approval was
"excellent [...] This year shows we have the best chance we've ever
had.""The flag is our national symbol," Hatch said in an interview.
"We have young men dying and young women dying over in Iraq and
Afghanistan as we speak. We're fighting for the principles that flag
represents". God, Country, Republicanism, Halliburton, and hyping a non-existent crisis for cheap political gain.The
bottom line, Hatch explained, you cannot wrap yourself in the flag if
people are setting fire to it. "Unless" he said after a long pause "we
start making them out of Kevlar!"
Flag makers, however, opposed the law. "Burn all the flags you want"
said one textile manufacturer, "our sweatshops will make more!"
12:49:38 AM 
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